VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[moneyballer]

Yeah? I dunno, that's kind of awesome, dont'cha think?

Like! I-D-K man-

[Asher blinks on his end of the feed, wrinkling his nose. There's something pleasant about Loki's accent. Asher isn't familiar with enough English-speaking foreigners to discern the origin, but it sounds vaguely European. He digs it.]

I've always wanted to travel. Get out there, y'know?

Meeting people from different places... That's kinda like that! Traveling.

[selfimage]

[ there's a distinct way all his vowels sound softer, if anyone listens carefully. the cadence, the way he weaves the words, that's all something unique to him. it's easier to convince someone of something if they like what they hear. ]

Ah—well, the worst thing to happy in any of the realms is being stuck in one place. If you wanted to travel, well, then ... I suppose you'll get your wish.

Perhaps a theme song for each mission?

[ no encouraging him. ]

[moneyballer]

[It's pleasing to the ears, whether Asher consciously realizes that or not.]

Whoa! Damnnn, Gina.

[loKI NO!]

That's a good idea.

[nO IT IS NUT!!!!!!!!!!]

[selfimage]

[ it absolutely is. ]

Please further gift us with your nineties-type jingles.

1/?

[moneyballer]

Man, I wonder what would be a good jam for this one...

"Baby-making?"

2/???

[moneyballer]

[He closes his eyes, grimacing, realizing how that sounds-]

Ohp, no.

No, no, no.

3/?

[moneyballer]

Baby... Daddy? Daddy dom-

[daddykink???? daddying, daddy-o]

4/4

[moneyballer]

I'm...

[Asher, now truly ashamed of himself, holds his head in his hands.]

I'm an idiot.

[selfimage]

You were on a roll.

[ don't stop there. ]

i'm gomen

[moneyballer]

[Asher rubs the back of his neck. Something about!!! the chill™dren u read me my dawg]

"The Kids Are Alright?" Nah.

That's not really original, I guess. I'll try and think of something!

You into music, bruh?

im not

[selfimage]

[ like he's surprised. ]

Ah—me?

Well, I dabble here and there. I'm sure no one in these realms has heard of Dazzler.

[moneyballer]

[Is that-]

So... Showtunes?

[gay????]

[selfimage]

You know Les Mis?

[ a pause. ]

Everyone always loves a good score.

[moneyballer]

[Les Mis, huh... That's the one about French people, right? The one where they all die, and are sad, and shit.

Admittedly, Asher isn't one for musicals.]

Hells yeahhhh.

[Cue that douchey, fuckboy grin.]

Everybody loves a good score, am I right?

[wink wonk]

[selfimage]

[ Asher he knows that face. ]

...

Wrong score, but better, in retrospect.

oh gOOOOOD

[moneyballer]

I-D-friggin'-K, maaaaang!

[Mang?! Who even say that anymore...]

I'd take a helping of some funky fresh punani over some showtunes anyday, but hey! That's just me.

[gROSS]

why

[selfimage]

[ those are not things that are mutually exclusive, Asher. ]

...

Er—"funky fresh"?

[ this is the most important. ]

[moneyballer]

[Ah, he realizes his mishap.]

Ehhhh, fresh? Clean? I dunno.

I mean, they all smell funny.

[aSHER!!!!!!]

[selfimage]

Is that really the first thing you think of when it comes to the heat between someone's legs? How it smells?

[ tbf, he's never really focusing on that. ]

jESUS

[moneyballer]

Honestly?

[With an air of nonchalance:]

I kinda dig it.

these are your decisions

[selfimage]

Then I wish you well in the endeavor of sniffing the punani, if that's what you mortals do.

[ or, you know, whatever it is that you do, Asher. ]

[moneyballer]

[wait a minute]

You're-

[gay?]

Immortal?

[selfimage]

[ it's the sound of jazz hands. ]

Surprise!

[moneyballer]

Oh my god.

[WHAT IF-]

How old are you?

[selfimage]

Ah—hm ... I don't know.

[ actually, he has to think about this one. ]

Twenty ... ish?