VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[headlining]

[He lets out a short laugh.]

Well, the majority of them, yes. But sometimes there are a few diamonds in the rough, so really, they're not all that bad.

[moneyballer]

[Asher wrinkles his nose at that, more out of curiosity than any kind of disgust or purely negative emotion. So! He doesn't hate everyone. Maybe Keats is just the cranky, snooty sort.

He says nothing about it now, but he wants very badly to mean something to this person, to all of his teammates.

To be in a special, elite group of people, on his own merit for once...]

Huh!

I guess there's hope for ya after all, beardo.

[headlining]

Ah, thanks - wait, what? Beardo?

[IT'S NOT EVEN A BEARD]

[moneyballer]

Yeah.

[Asher cocks his head to the side and lifts an eyebrow simultaneously. It's clear from his playful expression that, despite the nature of their initial exchange, he doesn't mean any harm by what he's about to say.

Gesturing to his own chin, he continues.]

Beardo! 'Cause, y'know.

You got a beard.

[headlining]

I have a name. It's Keats.

[He lets out a sigh, though he doesn't look all that offended.]

Besides, it's a goatee, and I haven't had the chance to shave.

[He says, as if he doesn't know he's had this scruff on a permanent basis for the last ten years.]

[moneyballer]

[His face contorts significantly, nose wrinkling yet again. Asher's voice drips with disdain.]

Ugh.

[guess who doesn't dig facial hair]

Even worse.

[headlining]

How is that bad? [He quirks an eyebrow.] What do you have against facial hair?

[moneyballer]

[He opens his mouth to say something, but quickly shuts it. Telling Keats that a goatee serves as the universal fashion statement of potheads and pedophiles might not be such a great idea.]

I was just messin' around.

[At least he's learned...]

Learn how to take a joke, man! Jesus.

[Asher clicks his tongue, winking at the other. The alien he's been entrusted to care for is getting hungry.]

Hasta la vista, beardo.