VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[moneyballer]

Yeah?

[Asher is a lot less condescending with nod of his head that follows, laughing but not derisively.

It's okay, Rhys.

He understands how that feels.]

Well, good luck to ya.

[plz don t wink

not after u just said "daddy?"]

Do or die, bruh. I hope you make it.

[dbag]

[ He pauses for a second, looking like he doesn't know how to respond. A small of genuine human kindness??? What is that, how does one react in this situation. ]

—Oh. Uh. [ He clears his throat awkwardly, coughing a little into his robotic hand to stall for time so he can look less friendliness-deprived. This is fine, people are nice to him all the time, he's a super popular guy!!!!! ] Thanks. That— yep, uh, me, too. I also hope I make it. Otherwise, that's a... lot of wasted ass-kissing. Hah.

o no wtf they r so cute. they hav no friends

[moneyballer]

[Asher recognizes that face, mostly because it's like looking in a mirror.

In this regard, Rhys has won his attention, and potential solidarity. Even though he hates to admit it, Asher is most likely in the same boat here. Still, he hides his uncomfortable anxieties behind a vulgar joke.]

If you're really having that much trouble climbing the ladder, man-

[n o no NO]

You might wanna do more than just ass kissing, y'know what I'm saying?

[He opens his mouth and waggles his tongue lewdly, before laughing out loud, snorting even.

Gross.]

sad lonely solidarity...

[dbag]

[ Okay, this kind of cancels out the niceness. He's heard worse! He can't even be surprised, he works at Assholes: The Company. Assholes in the figurative rather than literal sense. There's just a sense of resigned acceptance of the joke instead of the usual offense he'd take to one; it's a douchey joke, he's used to douchey jokes. ]

Yeah, so, I know what you're saying, but I think I'm... gonna choose to disregard it. [ He is Not That Kind Of Boy, how dare you. ] I think I actually have something that'll get me up the ladder without filling me with unending shame, so I'm gonna go with that instead. But thanks for the suggestion.

[moneyballer]

[Ah, ambition.

Another familiar thing.]

You gunning for CEO, or somethin'? Ready to be the big bawssss?

[that was painful

writing that was painful]

[dbag]

Actually? Yeah.

[ Clearly he doesn't want anyone to call him daddy, he wants them to call him Mr. President. Way more respectable. I CAN B UR CEO. ]

Yeah, I am. That's kind of the dream. If I've gotta kiss some asses of... some assholes to get there, then okay. [ As if this is very wise and also something he made up and isn't just parroting: ] A man makes his own destiny.

[moneyballer]

[It's easy to see that Rhys is trying to sound """cool,""" but Asher knows how that is, so he chooses not to address it. For all his disgusting, boorish tendencies, Asher does truly want the best for his new friend. At the very least, they are both ambitious.

And lonely, too.]

Huh! Can't argue with that, homeboy.

Maybe the next time I see ya, you'll be farther up the ladder.

[A genuinely kind wish.

He would like to see Rhys succeed.]

[dbag]

Hah. [ He scratches at his head, neglecting to mention that he actually keeps going down the ladder; his company wants to fire him, if by fire you mean actually set him on fire. They want him dead, that's the joke. He's technically still an employee and company property, you can't quit Hyperion, but he's basically the lowest someone could possibly get on the ladder. He's barely even on the ladder.

Asher's being weirdly nice for someone whose username is I CAN B UR DADDY — his feeble little heart immediately latches onto the friendliness, his talons are so in Asher now, they're gonna be friends forever — and Rhys wants to impress him, or at least not depress him. He wants Asher to think he's cool! He wants to be liked! Sue him. ] You're serious. That's... new. Not bad, though, I could get used to that.

[moneyballer]

[Asher recognizes that glint of loneliness in Rhys' face, because he too knows what it's like to yearn for while floundering about in a proverbial shark tank. Still, he is flabbergasted that not one kind person in this place has wished Rhys well regarding his ambitions.

While it would be wiser to be suspicious of such a fellow, Asher's expression only softens. There is sincerity in his voice and eyes, and he even bows his head as he speaks just so Rhys knows that he really was listening.]

No, totally, yeah! Hells yeah.

[He inhales sharply.]

I was serious about that. I hope things work out for you.

[dbag]

Well, thanks. Me, too.

[ A pause. ]

I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm just, like. Sooo busy and important. So. I'll see you around?

[moneyballer]

[Asher offers Rhys a slow eyeroll at that last statement, before turning to the side to smile and scoff, his profile visible.

Still, there's a little fondness in the gesture, even though it's somewhat derisive.]

Yeah! You will.

[He looks into the camera again, and the smile that appears on Asher's face right before the feed turns off is sincere, subtle even. A quaint little thing.

Congratulations, Rhys. it seems as though you've really made a friend today.]

[dbag]

[ DEAR DIARY TODAY I MADE A FRIEND ]