[ He struggles because he never learned how to live in the first place. He doesn't know how to balance a life he never had before with the existence he's known for millenia. It is not possible, in his mind, to enjoy what life is supposed to be and be a counter guardian at the same time. The two are diametrically opposed to one another, and the only way he could function as a cleaner was to cut off his emotions -- to be a machine, efficient and deadly in every aspect. Otherwise, his bitterness and self-loathing would have become something far worse than it had.
When he opens his eyes, he looks down at his hands. There's blood on them, he's steeped in it, and there's nothing that can change that. ]
I am not like you, Rin.
[ He is not a human any longer, that he can be as flexible as someone with an actual future. Change does not come easily to him, and he's been this way for too long. ]
If I must be something, I will be a Servant before anything else.
no subject
When he opens his eyes, he looks down at his hands. There's blood on them, he's steeped in it, and there's nothing that can change that. ]
I am not like you, Rin.
[ He is not a human any longer, that he can be as flexible as someone with an actual future. Change does not come easily to him, and he's been this way for too long. ]
If I must be something, I will be a Servant before anything else.