video; username: 82736775

[ricksybusiness]

[The video is carefully cropped so 82736775's face isn't visible, focused at chest-level. A chest that is clothed in a nebulously green fabric, incidentally (it's a dinosaur kigurumi).]

Hey, what up. So a-a-apparently nobody else is sick of sitting around and waiting for fake impossible "magic answers" to land in our lap with respect to our job. Remember that thing we're supposed to be doing? About the freakin' endless darkness plaguing this world? Yeah.

[His hands come into frame, holding a beat-up metal tube with a bunch of science-looking shit stuck to it, like some lights and buttons and stuff. Maybe there are some exposed wires but don't pay any attention to that.]

This... is a telescope. I'm showing it to you in case you come from a world where they're called something dumb. Like a sky-tube or something, I dunno. Just trying to mitigate stuUUuuurr-- stupid questions.

I have an ass-load of these things and I can make more. If you're wondering how, the answer is I'm a genius. [He lowers the telescope.] They're all hooked up to my, uh... something I have; th-th-that -- that's not important. The point is, I need volunteers to take these things out to the highest vantage points around, aim them at the sky, and take readings.

[One finger goes up.] First, if you don't know how to look through one end of a thing and listen for beeps, you're too stupid to use these so don't even ask. Go hit some shit with rocks, that's pr-probably more your speed.

[A second finger goes up.] Don't use them to be peeping toms. This is science, not an excuse to be a gross purrrrr-- perv.

[A third finger goes up.] This all needs to be at the same time. In a few days, the sky should be clear enough for a decent reading across the b-- urrrp -- board.

Serious inquiries only. I'm not here to dick around. Name a place and I'll drop off the machine.

[The hand throws up the sign of the horns before the video ends.] I'm out.

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Comments

[ricksybusiness]

[Magic!!! Or, more accurately, science. By the time Peridot rolls up, Rick is already into his second cup of... whatever this is. Grog? He doesn't care. It's alcohol.]

Hey, fuck you. [There's no real venom behind it, just a polite request to stop commenting on his odor, thx. The telescope is beside him, so he picks it up and hands it over.] Don't pull off the duct tape, it's keeping the focuseurrrrr on.

[runningjoke]

[ "A polite request" "fuck you" ah yes, definitely the same thing, thank you Rick. ]

...You're seriously holding this together with some kind of strip adhesive? No wonder you need that many volunteers- you're probably figuring that at least half of these relics don't even work!

[ricksybusiness]

[Rick slowly narrows his eyes, quiet, then reaches to snatch the telescope back.] Alright, bye, bitch. You're out.

[runningjoke]

No!!

[She cries, and pulls back the telescope, holding it close like all of a sudden it's very precious to her.]

[ricksybusiness]

[Jesus. For whatever reason, Rick hadn't been expecting that (though maybe he should have, considering how she's acted so far --), so he just holds his hands up in surrender.]

Whatever! God, you're w--urrrrp -- weird.

[runningjoke]

I'm not weird.YOU'RE weird.

...

[ Still holding the telescope close, she looks it over again. ]

I'm assuming you don't need it back once the observations are over.

[ricksybusiness]

[He looks at the telescope too.] Maybe for parts, but whatever. I made a ton of them, so knock yourself out.

[runningjoke]

I'm keeping it then. I'll know once I use it if you did anything actually impressive or not.

[ricksybusiness]

Hey, why don't you lick my balls, Peridot. I-I-- I didn't see you stepping up to bat.

[runningjoke]

Because I don't care.

I've already resigned myself to not going back to my Homeworld, since I can't even get a signal out, and I've tried. So I'm probably going to be either, one, stuck on this dirt heap with it's problems forever, or two, shuttled off with the rest of you people to the next dirt heap full of new problems.

At least the planet isn't going to be blowing up any time soon.

[ricksybusiness]

[That is some bleakness that Rick is not entirely comfortable with, primarily because it's so close to his own thought processes. What's the point of doing anything when nothing really matters?

He coughs, rolling his eyes, and elects to ignore how close that hits home.] That you know of. Who knows -- whatever fucked up the sun could just as easily fuck up this planet. And I don't like being fucked without my permission, Peridot.

[He jabs a finger at her.]

So get it together. You're saving your own ass, not just this stupid ball of dirt. Keep that in mind.

[runningjoke]

Don't touch me.

[ She replies with complete disdain, and wipes off the spot he poked her at. ]

And no thing fucked up the sun. It was a person- a human named Michel, who must have used some kind of... what people are calling "magic" to... change the atmosphere enough to cloud the sky, or something.

[She waves around vaguely with one hand, her "fingers" floating around a little more freely.]

Either way. I'm helping you, aren't I? So don't tell me what motives I should have for doing it.

[ricksybusiness]

It's not magic. [Rick's response to that point is immediate, because god, he can't stand this stupid belief in invisible, magical bullshit. It's close enough to a religion that it offends him on a personal level. People blindly following things that can't be proved by science, it's disgusting.

Then he actually processes the rest of what Peridot said, and throws his hands up in the air.] Fine, whatever. Keep being a pessimistic asshole. That's not my problem.

[Rick is the king of pessimistic assholes, so this might be hypocrisy. And it is, technically, but he's over-empathizing with Peridot's grim view of the situation, so he's halfway talking to himself now.

Time to go.]

H-have fun riding my coattails, I guess.