No, no, this was France-France, not too far outside Toulouse.
[ But this means she hasn't told the story, right? Right. She looks a little delighted about that, always pleased with a fresh audience. She settles back into her storytelling mode, complete with full gesticulations and an even more dramatically expressive tone than usual. ]
Okay, so I'm with this guy I picked up somewhere in Monaco, Vinh Du. Friendly but kinda dumb, big enough to keep anyone from wanting to mess with him-slash-us. We're headed into town on foot, and this van full of super friendly guys pulls over to let us in. They're all hyped for the company, say they're headed home from a trip out of town and they've been driving forever. I figured they were alright.
So when we said we weren't really going anywhere in particular, just into town to find a place to stay for the night, they got all excited and said we should come back with them, grandma would love to meet us. And who the fuck am I to turn down some French grandma, right? So I say sure, bring us along, and they take us to this kinda rundown place at the edge of town. There's definitely no grandma, but there is some pretty good food and drink, so we go along with it. It's a pretty good fucking party, we both get drunk. Then they start saying that now we should go to grandma's place, it's at the center of town and she'll feed us more, it'll be great. I wasn't sure why we didn't go straight there, but I was too drunk to be too worried about it. No, I didn't start getting a little worried until we piled back into the van and I realized this was definitely not the way into town, we were going further out. And, you know, this was before I was strong, so I had to be careful about shit like a van full of guys taking me somewhere other than where they promised.
Anyway, Vihn Du's fucking smashed at this point, and they keep offering us more as we're driving. I make him stop drinking, for whatever that's worth. We're in this wooded area at this point, and I'm like, yeah, this is where we get gutted. So I start talking about having to pee, play it up real hard, start threatening to pee on their upholstery if they don't pull over. They do, and the fucking second the door opens, I grab Vihn Du and fucking book it. It's pitch black by then, so I get off the road with him, and the next thing I know we're falling into this ravine just off the edge of the road. I pull Vihn Du down and make him shut up, wiggle us down under the fallen leaves, and the guys are pissed. But they can't find us. First they try to play it off like a joke, try and get us to pop out and get back in the van, then they start threatening. Say they know we're still here, and if we wanna make this easy on ourselves we gotta just get back in. We don't fucking move, and eventually it sounds like they're giving up. There's some muttering, some slamming car doors, the van drives off. Vihn Du starts to crawl back up again, but I stop him. You know why? [ Here's a pause for dramatic effect, and for her to look pleased with herself. ] Three car doors slam, but there were four guys. We wait it out. And not five minutes later the fucking van pulls up again. One more car door closes, and then they're gone.
[ Not the closest of calls, but probably the only time she's saved her own life by threatening to pee. She still looks pretty pleased with herself, and tacks on as an afterthought: ] Oh, yeah, and the next day we headed into town. The house was empty, but I found the van and trashed it. Just fucking blew it up. I wanted to find it with at least one of them in it, but I guess you can't get everything you want.
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[ But this means she hasn't told the story, right? Right. She looks a little delighted about that, always pleased with a fresh audience. She settles back into her storytelling mode, complete with full gesticulations and an even more dramatically expressive tone than usual. ]
Okay, so I'm with this guy I picked up somewhere in Monaco, Vinh Du. Friendly but kinda dumb, big enough to keep anyone from wanting to mess with him-slash-us. We're headed into town on foot, and this van full of super friendly guys pulls over to let us in. They're all hyped for the company, say they're headed home from a trip out of town and they've been driving forever. I figured they were alright.
So when we said we weren't really going anywhere in particular, just into town to find a place to stay for the night, they got all excited and said we should come back with them, grandma would love to meet us. And who the fuck am I to turn down some French grandma, right? So I say sure, bring us along, and they take us to this kinda rundown place at the edge of town. There's definitely no grandma, but there is some pretty good food and drink, so we go along with it. It's a pretty good fucking party, we both get drunk. Then they start saying that now we should go to grandma's place, it's at the center of town and she'll feed us more, it'll be great. I wasn't sure why we didn't go straight there, but I was too drunk to be too worried about it. No, I didn't start getting a little worried until we piled back into the van and I realized this was definitely not the way into town, we were going further out. And, you know, this was before I was strong, so I had to be careful about shit like a van full of guys taking me somewhere other than where they promised.
Anyway, Vihn Du's fucking smashed at this point, and they keep offering us more as we're driving. I make him stop drinking, for whatever that's worth. We're in this wooded area at this point, and I'm like, yeah, this is where we get gutted. So I start talking about having to pee, play it up real hard, start threatening to pee on their upholstery if they don't pull over. They do, and the fucking second the door opens, I grab Vihn Du and fucking book it. It's pitch black by then, so I get off the road with him, and the next thing I know we're falling into this ravine just off the edge of the road. I pull Vihn Du down and make him shut up, wiggle us down under the fallen leaves, and the guys are pissed. But they can't find us. First they try to play it off like a joke, try and get us to pop out and get back in the van, then they start threatening. Say they know we're still here, and if we wanna make this easy on ourselves we gotta just get back in. We don't fucking move, and eventually it sounds like they're giving up. There's some muttering, some slamming car doors, the van drives off. Vihn Du starts to crawl back up again, but I stop him. You know why? [ Here's a pause for dramatic effect, and for her to look pleased with herself. ] Three car doors slam, but there were four guys. We wait it out. And not five minutes later the fucking van pulls up again. One more car door closes, and then they're gone.
[ Not the closest of calls, but probably the only time she's saved her own life by threatening to pee. She still looks pretty pleased with herself, and tacks on as an afterthought: ] Oh, yeah, and the next day we headed into town. The house was empty, but I found the van and trashed it. Just fucking blew it up. I wanted to find it with at least one of them in it, but I guess you can't get everything you want.