futurology | text | un: Sasaki

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text | un: Sasaki

[Haise has talked with several teammates about the lack of cohesion, and how difficult it is for all of them to coordinate. It was something he'd meant to discuss, or perhaps encourage others better suited, to bring up when they had some down-time. In the wake of a rather heated debate he chose to sat out on, he thinks maybe conversations about how they unify can't wait]

It seems that some of us may be feeling a little hot under the collar after recent events. Since I am an advocate for mercy, and am only alive because as much was extended to me when others may have argued against it, I don't want to touch on moral disagreements. Our stances will naturally differ, because our organization doesn't give us any unifying principles to abide by.

As a member of the CCG, I had very set guidelines to follow. Those weren't all things I agreed with, or felt right about. But they did maintain order, and did keep people safe. They made us an effective team, and more than once it's come up with colleagues here that we might benefit from that.

This was something I'd hoped might come up on Oska, when people had time to relax, but considering the circumstances...

Would any of you be interested in opening that discussion? That is, talking about our backgrounds, where we're coming from, and what we believe. If we start there, surely we can find a way to work together. If we're constantly at odds with one another, that isn't good for anyone. When I first joined, that division was certainly in place, but those I disagreed with still took the time to speak with me, and we did have common ground. I'd like to suggest that, as a team, we try to find that...for all our sakes.

Edit: Although I spoke of my own background in the example I provided, by no means am I suggesting that everyone do the same. Most importantly, we need to establish where we stand on issues we're often confronted with in our line of work. These things would inevitably show in our actions, so speaking on personal matters is not necessary for discussion.
What each of us believes and what course we're inclined to take is what I mean to inquire about.

[ooc: Naturally, thread-hop/jack as desired]

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[Haise won't claim that he knows exactly what Giovanni feels, if only because the factors at play for him are the opposite. One of them dreads remembering and the other dreads forgetting...though in the end, erasure would be the result for both of them as they are now. It's a frightening thing, and he knows that their positions are rather unique among the ranks. Perhaps even beyond that.

Having lived the sort of existence Giovanni seems to have, surely it would be frustrating, that others couldn't understand. Couldn't grasp or truly fathom, at times, despite best efforts]

You know, back home... Before missions, we write a will. [Bleak to some, perhaps, and yet—] I've begun to think there was some sense in it.

[He won't deny some things are worse than dying. It's easy to think of a few, and they vary from one person to another. Some, no doubt, would be recurring themes]

We all need to understand each other better, if we're going to be effective. Well, that and awareness of our resources, or lack thereof. It's something we'll have to bear in mind. I could afford to spare lives when I did because I knew they'd be securely detained without fail. And in those cases, they were my responsibility.

[Frustrating, indeed. Death, to his mind, is the true mercy, and he often struggles to see things from the perspective of the others here, doesn't understand their reverence for life when he comes from a world that promotes no such thing, where lives are thrown away by the dozen every day. Living is a brutal ugly thing, and perhaps it isn't what he would have chosen back then, but if he were able now, if he were in a position to make that choice with hindsight as his guide...he'd have died with Lily and the rest of them, before what came after had its chance to warp him into something else, fractured and lost and slowly losing himself.

Would that he could.]

I can see your point, I suppose. It would be useful, to know what one would choose for themselves, were the choice available to them. Not that such a thing was ever afforded to me, in my own world.

[And it's still a difficult thing for him to think about, accustomed as he is to placing his life in the hands of someone so far above him as to be blinkered by Her light (or should that be darkness?), but on this one matter he is sure of what he wants. To die with some part of himself left in tact. That so many of the others here are unwilling to see this as a possibility, a choice someone might make-- it gets beneath his skin, crawls there sickly.]

And I won't disagree that we need to understand each other better. But everyone here, they're so deeply entrenched in their own beliefs that they're unwilling to so much as listen to other perspectives.

[Not that he's made a particularly eloquent argument, in the past, unwilling as he is to talk about his own circumstances.]

Edited 2017-04-26 12:31 (UTC)

[What Giovanni says is undeniably true. From their first days in ALASTAIR — he recalls them being new at the same time — their team was deeply divided. The question of whether to sacrifice a world's deities to prolong its life for an unspecified length of time had been and gone, by the time the two of them arrived on the scene. A choice had been made, and Haise recalls distinctly the disappointment that had seized him then, clamped down tight around him with his sense of unyielding futility.

Back then, though, he remembers the people who reached out to him. Who spoke to him and explained their reasons behind their individual assent or dissent. In all of those cases, he recalls no hostility directed at him, though strong opinions existed. He had the sense that he'd missed the most heated of discussions.

Now, of course, he's present for everything. He understands more, but as Giovanni has said, strong views don't leave everyone terribly receptive]

That's a choice no one will take from you here.

[He thinks to remind him, because it's important. The other man isn't chained to the reality of his world now, isn't confined to the reality in which he'd once lived. It is his choice. And in this way, he can subtly express that he hasn't forgotten what Giovanni's will is]

It does seem difficult to get the lines of communication open, especially where those deep divisions don't really inspire trust or comfort in expressing oneself freely. A suggestion was to have people meet in-person, which may fare better than remote communications.

Edited 2017-04-27 04:44 (UTC)

I hope not.

[His voice comes a little low, a little soft, coloured vaguely with a bleak kind of concern. Should he begin to lose himself here, should whatever temporary fix ALASTAIR has placed on his mind begin to undo itself-- well. He trusts in Haise to do as he'd promised, to try to end him before things should progress too far, but considering the opinions of the others here, their blind insistence on prolonging life at any cost, can he count on them to stand aside and let it happen? The risk remains, doesn't it? That they'd intervene, insist on trying to 'save' something that didn't want to be saved. That didn't believe his was a life worth saving.

It gets to him, all of this, weighs heavy on his dark loamy heart. Quite suddenly, he feels exhausted.]

Perhaps it would. Or perhaps it would only escalate things further, push people towards violence. I don't know. But what I do know is that a team of this size, from so many different walks of life and with such variable opinions-- we're unruly at best. Scattered. We would all benefit, I think, from stricter structure and clearer rules. Alas, it doesn't seem to be something we'll get.

[But perhaps its just him who needs such things, longs for them. Wants the ugly certainty of choices made for him by some higher power, large and bright and all-encompassing enough that their choices would eclipse his own, regardless of his feelings on the matter. The way things had been, back there, despite that it had never brought him anything but deep and silent misery.]

[He hears the melancholy permeating Giovanni's tone, and it's enough to give him pause. In favor of preserving the man's privacy, he takes the time to mentally filter their conversation, strange as that remains to him. Since they've already discussed the way the CCG handles contingency plans, he doesn't think it's a far stretch to make the suggestion that he does now]

What I said about wills... [He hesitates, unsure if this will resolve the cause of that low dip to Giovanni's voice or not] Perhaps, if you're concerned, you could consider writing one.

[By now Haise knows that Giovanni is greatly concerned with whether someone would live or die according to their own wishes, because of his personal experiences. If he fears for his own, maybe having it in a concrete form might help, if only to solidify that his choice is made. That it's known and would be respected. Maybe not understood, even Haise himself only grasps it by degrees due to his own desire to exist, but one doesn't have to completely understand to accept.

Regardless, he has determined that he won't fail him if that time ever comes. He hopes it won't, wills it not to, for whatever little good that may be in the face of a looming, dreaded reality. But Giovanni's existence is as riddled with fears as his own, and he'll do what he can to lessen that]

I'd be grateful for structure if only we had it. Unfortunately, what I've heard from Kittypaw is that we're supposed to create that for ourselves. That's...part of why I wanted to try this. I think Kaz was well-intentioned, if not terribly provocative. Once, we'd talked about this... The way people aren't equipped with what they need, aren't set up to succeed when thrown out of their element, and just expected to muddle through.

If even some of us are willing to try, we'll find a way to function. I've got to believe that.

[For himself, and people who don't have in them to]

Edited 2017-04-28 04:00 (UTC)

[It's a suggestion he takes on board, turns over in his mind like a smooth, round pebble, cool to the touch with a weight that's almost (almost) a comfort. Although still he has to wonder what a piece of paper would do in the face of attitudes so strongly divergent from his own. It's settling into him slowly, sinking down into his bones that perhaps the reason his opinion on this goes unheard and misunderstood has to do with a fundamental difference in nature, in the difference between being born into death, steeped in it to one's very core, and to having been born into light and the ideology that one is entitled to life, ought to cherish it come what may.

It only serves to remind him, ultimately, that he's not like them. To think otherwise is a foolish and bitter mistake.

He answers though, and although there's an edge to his voice that speaks of the growing weight on him, it's a still cool and even thing.]

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try writing one. At least it would make my intentions clear.

[For all that he fears what it would take to kill him - no soft slide into oblivion for something like him and his regenerating body, he'd need to be torn into pieces so small and scattered that there'd be no coming back from it, a death filled with torment and pain - it's what he wants, ultimately. It's what he's wanted for the longest, longest time. Better that it should come to him by Heine's hands, by the Dog's inimical grip just as it had for Lily, but failing that, if it becomes impossible, then any death will do. Better that it would come from Haise, who has some idea of what he wants and why he needs it.]

For ALASTAIR to count as an organisation, it must begin somewhere. The teams are self-governed, perhaps, but you'd think there'd be someone, somewhere, who orchestrates things.

[Or perhaps it's only in his nature to want for such a thing, given as he is to subservience to a higher power. Perhaps it's only to be expected that he struggles so hard with the concept of self-governance.]

Whatever the case, you are more optimistic than I. It seems to me that our differences far outstrip our desire to work towards a common goal by quite a wide margin.

Back home, we took those wishes seriously. It was important to carry them out, and for those who wrote them to know that was so.

[Truth be told, Haise is about as pessimistic as they come. Underneath the easy smiles and behind that wall of positivity is something a little more closely resembling Giovanni's outlook. It's something he buries; his outward attitude cultivated in order to cope with the harsh realities of his own world. He's a good enough actor that he can convince himself, much of the time.

But there are private moments when the shadows of his past gather around him, press in close and hold tight. In moments like those, he feels just as brittle as Giovanni had seemed in Perdition's Rest, like he'll come apart at the seams at any moment. Back home, those moments had been coming more and more often, and he'd begun to think no matter how desperately he struggled, there could be no tethering him to existence.

He likes to think he's gotten better here, somehow become more solid and coalesced into something not quite so easily broken down. But he has his moments, and because of them, he can understand the outlook he tries so hard not to have]

If even some are willing, that's a start. I'm used to units comprised of a handful of people, and I can't claim that I know how to organize a large group...and I certainly don't want to take leadership. [That would be utterly exhausting, even for an All About The Team man like himself] But we all suffer for it if we can't work together in some fashion, even if it's perfunctory.

I'm not sure how much weight it would carry here, in a place like this. Given the way most people seem to think. But as I say, at least it will make my intentions clear. I'll give it some consideration.

[And he means it, will probably write one, too-- it's too big a thing for him to trust to chance and the word of one person among the team, no matter the beginnings of trust that is flowering between him and the man with whom he currently speaks. Not when there exists here the risk that his wants will be overrided for the sake of a continued existence that he simply doesn't want, can't stand to think of. Something which he fears with every functioning part of him.

Haise's pessimism, that they have more in common in regard to their outlook than appearances would lead one to believe-- it remains unnoticed and unrealised by Giovanni. And often he feels quite oppositely in regard to his own solidity, sometimes feels more fractured and nebulous here than he ever felt back there, in that place of continuous darkness and death. The differences in people here, the outlook held by the majority, it's just too divergent for him to fully get to grips with, and sometimes he thinks he can feel himself slowly coming apart, becoming less and less, smaller and smaller, less distinct and ever more unknown to himself. Like falling down a deep dark hole with the circle of light ever receding, becoming impossibly out of reach.

He feels it now, twisting in him. There's a sick rush of panic held deep in the pit of himself and a sensation like metal bands snapping tight around his lungs, constricting him. Almost, it's discernible in the small outrush of breath he releases before he continues--]

Perhaps if we were able to divide ourselves into complimentary groups within the one team. those who fight, those who protect, and so on. But it would still require leadership of a sort, I would think, and like you I have no intention of attempting such a role myself. I was never meant for such things.

[Although this isn't true, his series were made to be masters, and this is his biggest, deepest flaw-- his subservience, his complete obedience to the one who made him. He was never meant to be this way, and yet it's in him too deeply to ever be dug out. A loyal dog, to the end.]

[At that, Haise lets the matter rest. If Giovanni chooses to write a will, then he will do whatever he can to ensure that it's observed, if ever that time should come. He doesn't want it to, and he'll strive to ensure it doesn't, for whatever little good he might do in that department, but he doesn't deny the possibility. The forces behind Giovanni's condition are ones that he doesn't fully comprehend and likely hasn't the skills to combat regardless of how he may wish to.

Still, he'll endeavor to tether him to the present, to this reality. Whatever time he does have, he should be allowed to live out and enjoy, rather than be dominated only by the moments he can't actually touch. He thinks there may have been some measure of progress there, even if only in small degrees, but so much more remains.

If nothing else, he knows himself to be a very stubborn man. He'll do what he's able to]

Smaller units would make more sense, if only it could be coordinated. As it stands, that does seem unlikely, much as I wish it weren't the case. Maybe we'll all surprise ourselves though...

[The suggestion doesn't sound terribly optimistic, of course. Haise might be one to invest some hope and faith in others, but he's quite grounded by the nature of his own world, and the reality he's lived]

Perhaps.

[Giovanni's own tone is a bleak thing, dark-edged and close to bitter. He can't see it happening, and the more he sees this subject discussed, the more he looks over the other responses here, hears conversations held between the others, the more hopeless it looks to him. The more he feels separated from it, detached and slowly drowning.]

But I think I've discussed this topic enough for one day. It becomes rather dull, after a while.

[Dull. It's not the word he wants to use - exhausting confusing frustrating bleak - but he can't say any of that. Doesn't know how to express it and doesn't think he should, besides. More and more, it's being made clear to him that his is an understanding of the world that simply doesn't fit, here.

It's what he's always known, and is reminded of now, all too sharply.]

It must feel like going around in circles, after a while.

[Giovanni's tone says enough to Haise, where his words are more sparing. He doesn't think to draw too much attention to it, although he resolves to check up on the man in case he sinks into that melancholy he's hearing in his voice. Anyone can end up brooding if they're alone for too long, and he doesn't consider his associate an exception to that.

For now, he supposes letting the conversation rest where it is would be for the best. Much as he wishes there were more progress than there is, in his view at least it's something of a start, albeit an incredibly rocky one]

Sometime soon, I'll have to ask you about your thoughts on Shakespeare, so I hope you're not too worn out on conversation.

I'll say.

[And if he realises what Haise is doing there with that final offer, it doesn't seem to register in his tone-- there's already something closed-off there, locks clicking shut and pulling in tight. All of this, it does things to him. Unpleasant things.]

And some other time, perhaps. For now, I'll be off.

[And with that old abruptness he's been lacking for a little while, he cuts the connection.]

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