( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[sadgay]

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Comments

[ofobedience]

[Yup, sure is that guy. He does an excellent job at sounding impassive, but he's here because he isn't convinced he can pull off certain kinds of subterfuge.]

Alas. Less is more, I'd say. The more complex the lie, the less believable it surely becomes.

[sadgay]

I'm not saying it has to be complex. That's the opposite of what I'm saying.

You're some kind of human weapon, right? I mean, okay-- "Human" is apparently offensive to you as a concept. But my point still stands. Just claim that you're a solider, and you've dedicated your life to serving Zymandis. They'll eat that garbage up.

[ofobedience]

I suppose, in many ways, that makes the most sense. It would be the easiest to pull off.

[But. BUT!]

But have you seen the uniform for field agents? It isn't nearly as refined as the one provided for support staff.

[That's right-- Mr. Killing Machine's main concern in this instance appears to be his attire.]

[sadgay]

[Flatly:]

You were going to pick your cover story based on the outfit you'd get to wear.

[ofobedience]

...yes.

[sadgay]

You're ridiculous.

Forget the suit. I'll give you mine when we get back. White suits are for hip-hop artists and people who sell fried chicken anyway. So just stick with what you know, which is fighting.

[ofobedience]

What's wrong with wanting to look one's best? Or with white suits, for that matter.

[He likes white suits, okay. He has plenty in other colours, but there's no denying that white is his favourite. Conor has a point, though, he has to concede that much. He doesn't know the first thing about support roles, or even what those roles might be.]

[sadgay]

The point of the mission isn't to look sharp, the point of the mission is to not die. And to do that, you have to be convincing in your role.

[ofobedience]

Who's to say I wouldn't be convincing in a support role?

[Spoilers: he would not.]

[sadgay]

Do you even have any idea what a support role involves?

[ofobedience]

Well. Not exactly, no.

[sadgay]

Thereby proving my point. Stick to your guns. I mean that literally.

[ofobedience]

Hnn.

[He sounds a little irritated, but--]

How tall are you? What sort of build?

[sadgay]

What does that have to do with--

[It clicks.]

Oh my god, you're actually taking me up on my offer. Okay-- 5'10", fit but not like...hulking out. Think model, not athlete.

[Yes, he's always this modest.]

[ofobedience]

[Look, you offered him a suit. He isn't about to turn it down. And he really likes the white and gold look despite your disparagement, okay.

There's the click of his tongue against teeth, apparently dissatisfied.]

I suppose I could have it altered.

[sadgay]

To fit your Terminator shoulders? Yeah, probably.

[Because when he thinks "human weapon," he doesn't picture a skinny slip of a guy.]

[ofobedience]

Taken in, more likely. I suppose you could describe me as svelte.

[Or you know, 'a skinny slip of a guy' fits the bill. There's no need for bulk when one is designed quite like he is]

[sadgay]

Nice vocab word, but aren't you supposed to be some kind of human weapon?

[ofobedience]

Size isn't everything.

[Said the actress to the bishop.]

My creator liked to combine brutality with elegance.

[sadgay]

Spoken like a man who's never been laid.

[But let's not fall back into that conversational rut again.]

But I guess I'd have to give your creator points for originality, even if the German accent is totally cliche.

[ofobedience]

[Yeah he's just gonna choose to ignore that, considering he has never been laid so can't really refute it. He hadn't even intended it to come off as innuendo, although he's not quite oblivious enough not to realise his mistake with hindsight. Best to forget it, yes?]

Alas, having been created in Germany, my accent can't really be helped.

[Even if he isn't quite sure why it's cliche.]

[sadgay]

I bet you're blond too. You could be one of Hans Gruber's henchmen.

[But enough of that.]

Anyway, the suit's yours if we ever make it back.

[ofobedience]

[Well, he has no idea who Hans Gruber is (despite him being a character from one of Kam's all time favourite films), but you have succeeded in making him feel vaguely self-conscious enough not to confirm that yes, he is indeed blond.

Again, he chooses not to address it.]

All right, then. Just do me a favour and try not to spoil it with blood stains.

[sadgay]

[Almost immediately, he regrets his remark about "if" they make it back, because hinged on that little "if" are about a thousand things that could go wrong. But he swallows his rising fears so that he can answer.]

Yeah...roger that.

[ofobedience]

[He hears it, he thinks, the slightest undercurrent of fear. And so the wry teasing slide of his voice that comes just before he hangs up may be just a little retaliation for Connor's earlier comments.]

You have fun, now. It's bound to be eventful, if nothing else.

[Aaaaand he's gone. But hey, Connor managed to talk him out of doing something potentially stupid. Success!]