( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[sadgay]

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Comments

AUDIO. UN: LOKI

[selfimage]

[ there's a moment where there's a hush of a long pause.




...


then he's trying not to choke on his own chuckle. ]

What would you normally charge? Please, inquiring minds and all.

[moneyballer]

dem dolla dolla biiiillz, yo

[That really doesn't answer the question...]

[sadgay]

What he said, but less ridiculous. We'd also be willing to barter for favors.

text; un: anonymous

[skelepun]

do you have any references?

[sadgay]

Sorry, left those in another galaxy

text; un: ASCIIanything

[catphishing]

Technically they're still students, but they're legit. They're already taking on real cases.

Connor actually won on his very first case. It was a really tough one too.

[Oliver, stop this. You're embarrassing.]

[moneyballer]

what my cool beardy bro said- they're all kind of back home lmfaoz

[As far as Asher knows, there are no licensed legal professionals on this team. He and Connor are law students and Maya has some experience in the field, but that's about it.]

but if it helps, you can ask us questions if you got any doubts!

so, fire away, hambone

[hambone???]

video; un: deathweaver

[respired]

Dead men don't ask questions.

[ Because that's what they're gonna be, see?? ]

[sadgay]

[If Koltira's dreadful appearance alone weren't enough to wipe the cocky grin off his face...]

Uh...you can't just start killing people willy nilly the second you get on the ship. That's pretty much the opposite of espionage.

TEXT; UN: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[Asher casts a hesitant eye at the video feed from Koltira, thinking it better to respond carefully and with text. After all, he is deeply aware of the kind of destruction that the elf is capable of, even though his own encounter with it was indirect and long ago.]

hey

[The killing part is out of his hands, hands that have been stained with blood already.]

is this about woodhurst?

audio; un: cardmaster

[fateality]

...You don't need me to say this, but.

I think this would be good for you. And you shouldn't be concerned with what everyone else has got to say about it.

voice; un: redlion

[secondnature]

You know we've gone undercover before, right?

[Keith: here to ruin everyone's fun since July 2016.]

[moneyballer]

Yeah, and most of the people on this team really sucked at it.

[ok... those r just the idiots YOU know]

text; un: hemlock

[unholey]

More Lying Tips

1. Tell the truth when you can. You'll be surprised at what you can get away with by using just partial truth, or using leading statements that allow whoever you're speaking with to arrive at their own conclusions. It's also much easier to keep track of.

2. Coordinate ahead of time when possible. If your lie relies on someone else, ideally you should clear it with them first. Or at least let them know that you've pulled them into it.

[moneyballer]

YESSSSS this lil man with a good taste in suits knows wuuuutz 🎉🎉🎉🎉 P O P P I N 🎉🎉🎉🎉 lol

since we're all comin' up with our own backstories, it's probably better to stick with something that hits close to home, ya feel me?

[Asher's words aren't coming out particularly clear, but what he means is that, it's probably best to stick with a narrative that describes an alternate version of yourself. He knows that different events and experiences can twist your identity this way and that, as his own has changed a good deal since being here.

It is chilling to think about, but maybe the Asher Millstone of another time would have joined Zymandis willingly.

There is something to be said about that.]

video; un: white_lotus

[pummelling]

I have it on good authority that both of you are law students. Ergo, not actual lawyers.

[WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON JIN]

[moneyballer]

[LOUDLY, EMPHATICALLY-]

Don't ruin this for me-

video; un: urahara

[predomination]

[don't laugh. don't laugh. don't laugh.

it's okay. the hat hides most of his glee.]

This could end up being a bit like herding cats~

[A+ FOR EFFORT, but this team, man. They do what they will do.]

[sadgay]

Then we cannot be held legally responsible for those who choose to ignore our counsel.

Actually, we're not legally responsible for any of you,

un: quickfish

[kisha]

Advice on lying? Do you two possess not even an ounce of subtlety?

[sadgay]

[Oh god, it's her.]

Uh. We're not trying to pull the wool over anyone's eyes here. We're saving all our subtlety and subterfuge for the Death Star. Sorry, the mothership.

un: sieglindesullivan

[grunehexe]

I wish you two well with this endeavor. I am afraid that those who failed to blend well in our last operation need... perhaps a bit more than advice on untruths, but. It is an admirable effort.

[sadgay]

[If he is at all troubled by the presence of a young girl among the crew (and of course he is), then he doesn't let it linger in his expression. Fortunately for Sieglinde, he keeps such thoughts to himself; fortunate too, he is more apt to put on a friendly face and manner for a kid.]

Well, we always appreciate well wishes. So who are these people who could use sone good old fashioned remediation?

audio | un: beloved

[dailydouble]

I am left wondering if anyone would pay for this.

[ He's not really wondering, because Ahad is fairly certain that the answer would be no. ]

[selfimage]

I am informed that they only exchange services for "dem dolla dolla biiiillz, yo."

video; un: ASCIIanything

[catphishing]

You have to stop making these videos every time we go undercover, Asher.

[sadgay]

So he's done this before. And you've gone undercover before. Well, looks like you survived the last time at least.

audio; un: cardmaster

[fateality]

[oh lordy]

I definitely would love your help. I've never lied in my life. Would you help li'l ol' me?

video;

[moneyballer]

[please enjoy sustained footage of asher giving tf the stink eye from his end of the feed]

audio; un:hound

[ofobedience]

[His voice comes slippery-smooth and devoid of emotion, his accent discernibly Germanic.]

I don't suppose claiming to have been rifted in, much as we have here, would classify as a decent cover, would it?

[It would make things a lot easier.]

[sadgay]

[Well, if it isn't the guy who's allergic to emotions...]

Not sure how well that would fly. I mean, for all we know anyone fresh out of the time rift just gets sent straight to the brainwashing wing for orientation.

audio; un: fiona

[cachemoney]

Oh, my god. Lying isn't the only part of a fake identity. Did you just decide you're the authority on this?

[sadgay]

You're the kind of person who complains that you wanted beef when someone cooks you chicken, aren't you. If you wanted something else, you should've just done it yourself.

voice | un: the doctor

[spacerhyme]

It's... a start, I suppose. But you haven't emphasized the important bit: confidence.

You can construct the most brilliant fake identity ever, but it'll all fall apart without that. If you want to convince anyone that you belong someplace you don't, the first step is to act like you do.

[sadgay]

How right you are, Doctor.

[Which is still a ridiculous epithet, but he appreciates the backup.]

There isn't much you can't sell with enough confidence backing you up. I've seen that shit win court cases that would have been lost causes in anyone else's hands.

[As much as it pains him to spare a few positive words for Annalise...]

un: tony hawk

[feathery]

is this where i give you my personal information and wait for a nigerian prince to contact me with part two

[sadgay]

yeah, I'm the Nigerian prince's lawyer.

video; un: steelsamayarai

[feytality]

Hey, HEY, if you guys want law advice, Asher's not the one to take it from! He won't even cross-examine a parrot!

[pUFFS CHEEKS OUT]

[sadgay]

[He can be seen turning to the man beside him and affecting a sanctimonious look.]

I'm appalled. Where's your integrity as a practitioner of the law, Asher?