futurology | ( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

wow, original

[ But not entirely unfounded. He has Seen Some Shit, and he hasn't even gotten through law school yet.]

so what do you think, are there enough of us to screw in a lightbulb?

[Oh pal, bad jokes are the lifeblood of a person's integrity. Don't hate.]

well sure, but i don't think i could afford the hourly rate.

more importantly, where's a drum set when you need one?

guess i oughta thank you for giving me a (rim)shot. ;)

so. what sort of secret identity would you suggest for yours truly?

well what kind of work do you do normally? i.e. before you fell into the universe saving business.

it would be best to go with what you know, so that you can fudge your way through without immediately raising ten red flags.

i'm a comedian, can't you tell?

hm. didn't notice.

anyway, field agent is broad enough to fit anything into. you can say your specialty is boosting morale. you know, so your buddies can fight the good fight. be sure to sound like you drank that kool-aid hard.