( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[sadgay]

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Comments

[predomination]

It's earned in time if you stick to your principles, Connor-san. There's more to fighting wars than simply killing everything in your path.

[sadgay]

I wouldn't know. I'm a lover, not a fighter.

[AKA a giant weenie.]

[predomination]

There's also more to fighting than, ah... fighting.

[Don't let the shounens and the psychos get you down, Connor.] At least physically. We're going to be in a situation where it just isn't going to be feasible to pick fights. You and Asher-san might have an easier time than most.

[sadgay]

Yeah, thanks Mr. Miyagi. Let's just hope everyone can use their heads instead of their guns or swords.

[predomination]

[He's gonna take that as a compliment, as any shounen mentor should. We should all be like Mr. Miyagi.]

Considering, this time, we might just end up killing each other, instead of the enemy, we should definitely hope for that.

[Things have been heated before, but... These are gonna be much tighter quarters with much higher stakes.]

[sadgay]

[Hoping has never brought him much. An optimist would say that with this many people, the odds of success increase; he would say that with this many moving parts, independent, unpredictable, the odds that something will go wrong increases too.]

So based on the get-up, you must be some kind of samurai?

[predomination]

[WOW CONNOR. IT'S A JINBEI. LEARN TO JAPAN.]

I don't think samurai are quite this fashionable~ [He tips his fucking bucket hat.] I'm just a humble shopkeeper.

[You can probably hear Asher calling bullshit from space.]