( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[sadgay]

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Comments

[moneyballer]

[Asher rolls his eyes at that.]

Well, my partner happens to be a huge asshole.

[He chocks the mistake up to her poor discretion, though he neglects to say so.]

So basically, I'm not responsible for any of the dumb shit he does or says.

[kisha]

Then one of you is a liar- you say it is him?

[And for that matter, who the hell would lie about sucking cock for protection?]

[moneyballer]

[That is a tricky questions. They are both liars, not necessarily by profession or trade, but by nature.

It is, in a way, how they were brought together.]

I'm not lying. Chances are, neither is he.

Then again, you and C-dawg are from totally different worlds, soooo. Somethin' probably got lost in translation, somewhere.

[cue another disgruntled sigh]

I mean, I guess you could technically be a hooker and a lawyer at the same time, but they're two totally different professions.

[Are they?]

And if ya did that, I bet you'd never catch any z's.

[kisha]

There is little I do not understand about the insinuation he made.

[Don't you put this on her!

She's seen her share of cocksucking behind the stables.]

[moneyballer]

[Then it's Connor's fault, which is fair tbh. These kids are always screwing up.]

Again, that isn't what lawyers do. It's not what we're supposed to do, anyway.

[He flips through a notepad in his own hands.]

Screwin' your clients is almost never a good idea.

[kisha]

And the good that comes from claiming to be a whore?

[Because she Really Doesn't Get That.]

[moneyballer]

So, before I even bother to begin to explain that-

[Asher doesn't even look up.]

This about somethin' he said, right? 'Cause that's not the kinda good I was talkin' about.

[kisha]

Of course it is!

[She'd considered him a weakling before, but sexual things certainly hadn't been her idea.]

[sadgay]

[At this point, Connor leans in to share the video feed with Asher, his finger raised as if ready to make a point.]

Okay, first of all-- I've never slept with a client. That's Wes's specialty.

[And Michaela's, but he's not about to throw his best girl under the bus. Conspicuously absent is any denial of screwing evidence out of people.]

Second of all, it's not my fault she confused what I do in my free time for my job. You know what they say about assuming: it makes an ass out of you and me. But mostly you.

[moneyballer]

[Asher backs off from the feed, whispering something that sounds like, "Thought so," though it's likely that only Connor will hear it. This is their beef to resolve, so he will let them finish.]