king "#1 shitposter" gilgamesh (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
babbylon) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
futurology2016-03-10 11:08 pm
babbylon) wrote in futurology2016-03-10 11:08 pm
video; [KINGOFHEROES]
[Greetings and salutations, comrades of ALASTAIR! The face of a handsome young man opens the feed today, smiling wide and surrounded by lions on his bed. Yes, that's right, lions. Shishi, his mount, sits in the background, with his mate nestled nearby. And atop him, crawling across his legs, over his shoulders, even rubbing at his face, are cubs, golden and white and feisty. They growl and chirp at the jewelry floating just a few feet away, and a particularly brave one bats at it.
Their parents, as well as Gilgamesh himself, look appropriately proud.]
Good day. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting me before, I am Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, and your resident lion tamer. I bred them as a hobby, back in my native Uruk, and so I have once again come into possession of several cubs.
[The cubs themselves appear no more than six weeks old. Gilgamesh has to shift a little to accommodate them, as they are absolutely intent on making the broadcast difficult by shoving their little furry bodies everywhere. Not that it bothers him much—he's laughing under his breath.]
They have all been weaned from their mother and thus are ready for distribution. Alas, I cannot keep so many for myself; I aim to find good homes for them among you all. I do ask you bear in mind these are wild animals at heart, requiring a great degree of time and attention to train.
[Though you'd never know it, seeming so harmless, so adorable.. After a time, Gilgamesh surrenders, and gets swallowed up by their insistent pawing.]
They are not... just... housecats to sit on a shelf and... w-wait, do not touch it...!
[The necklace goes flying down the hall as a mischievous cub bounds after it. Gilgamesh will snatch it back... eventually.]
(( All lions have now found loving homes! Thanks for the interest, everyone! ))
Their parents, as well as Gilgamesh himself, look appropriately proud.]
Good day. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting me before, I am Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, and your resident lion tamer. I bred them as a hobby, back in my native Uruk, and so I have once again come into possession of several cubs.
[The cubs themselves appear no more than six weeks old. Gilgamesh has to shift a little to accommodate them, as they are absolutely intent on making the broadcast difficult by shoving their little furry bodies everywhere. Not that it bothers him much—he's laughing under his breath.]
They have all been weaned from their mother and thus are ready for distribution. Alas, I cannot keep so many for myself; I aim to find good homes for them among you all. I do ask you bear in mind these are wild animals at heart, requiring a great degree of time and attention to train.
[Though you'd never know it, seeming so harmless, so adorable.. After a time, Gilgamesh surrenders, and gets swallowed up by their insistent pawing.]
They are not... just... housecats to sit on a shelf and... w-wait, do not touch it...!
[The necklace goes flying down the hall as a mischievous cub bounds after it. Gilgamesh will snatch it back... eventually.]
(( All lions have now found loving homes! Thanks for the interest, everyone! ))
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[Yes, Mabel, you really did hear him correctly. Don't even get him started on what he finds fashionable.]
They are great indeed, but if you want after one, you must tell me first why you deserve one.
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Okay okay, live in denial if you must, but consider this!
[Wait for it....]
Gilga-fresh.
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Oh right my qualifications! [Her throat is cleared with a posh "hem hem" and she straightens her back, clasping her hands in front of her on the table. Her first job interview. How exciting...]
First of all, I'm an animal expert. Back home, I was frequently seen raising and tenderly nurturing a common variety pig. I don't discriminate among the animal kingdom. When I visit the petting zoo, I spend half an hour with each animal at their enclosure, or however long they'll let me stay until security escorts me out.
While in Alastair's employ I have also charmed Horkles with nothing more than a pair of spoons and a hot priest, or even rhythmic clapping! Steven accompanied me on the ukelele.
And I definitely don't shy away from danger, even if it's fuzzy and adorable. Or huge, and full of teeth! Once me and my family had to save my pet pig from a family of pterodactyls! My brother and I braved battle against the local lake monster, which turned out to be a robot but was still terrifying beyond reason! I've even punched a deceitful unicorn in the face.
Do you need references? I can write some down for you. I've only known most of the people here for two weeks, but that's time enough for Mabel Pines to work her way into the heart of any man!
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As for those qualifications, Gilgamesh can't say he expected an entire resume, but her heart's certainly in it, he must admit.]
You are quite the busy young lady, aren't you? Pterodactyls, did you say?
[Gilgamesh strongly suspects the next thing out of her mouth might be yeah, I totally punched 'em in the face.]
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And please, it was her Great Uncle Stan punching the pterodactyl in the face.]
Yup! Dinosaurs! I do not recommend them in the house.
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Where does the young lady live, that she might find herself encumbered by dinosaurs?
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What about you? Do you work in the circus? Is that how you got the lions? You said you were, ahm... [Small pause as she rewinds the original post again.] ..."a King of Heroes..."
...Is Uruk like a nation of really muscled dudes, or?
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In North America, correct? Then we are from the same world. It was less a nation and more a territory known as Sumeria; in modern times, it lies near Iraq, in a region your people call the Middle East.
[Although he must admit, he's never heard of dinosaurs stomping around in the twenty-first century, from which she must have hailed, given her overall dress and demeanor. It must've been an interesting place, this Gravity Falls.
Gilgamesh puffs up a little, preening like a bird over himself.]
You must place your nose to the book a bit more, child. Gilgamesh was the very first hero of humanity.
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And yes, North America. The America part specifically.
[Even so, the second pill is just as hard to swallow as the first. She blinks.]
The. First hero. As in dating before all other heroes ever?
[Another blink.]
...Oh. Oh wow. You look good for your age.
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Well, well! I see you are a maiden of excellent taste. I may yet entertain the idea of passing a precious cub down to you.
[But. Gilgamesh wags a finger, and be still your beating heart, Mabel, winks like the handsomest of Casanovas. Or Heroes. Whatever.]
I have a condition, however. One you must fulfill before you cement your good standing with me.
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Sure am! [Oh wait there's better news. Her eyes sparkle and blow wide.] You...you mean it?! I passed?
[Oh wait, there's more...possible still better news. Possibly worse. He winked at her! (EEEEEEEEE!!!) That's good right? The fluttering of her heart and the blush on her cheeks incline to tell her so.
She scoots her face closer to the camera. Deadly serious, in spite of her freshly reddened cheeks.]
Name your price. I'll do it.
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Tell me of your grandest adventure in Gravity Falls. No less than the very best will suit; let it be the most dangerous, the most daring, the likes of which would impress even this glorious King of Heroes, majestic and magnificent beyond renown.
1/2, i'm so sorry
[Think, Mabel, think. The most dangerous one by far had to be what she was in the middle of before she got here. Except that one was on pause. She can't tell a story with only a bad end. And she wasn't very brave at all in it, not until the very last part.
No downer endings! So. A really good, rip-roaring dangerous good time. Or bad time. Until the time was good again.
She snaps upright suddenly.]
I'VE GOT IT!
Okay. So picture this. [Deep breath—]
you don't even have to read all this just scroll to the end and assume it was ridiculous
WRONG.
There are secrets inside. Secrets that other people are jealous of, and want to discover! Like this other kid in town. An evil psychopath who pretends to be a psychic, but he's just a giant lying phoney with a huge pompadour and a huger crush on me. He wanted the deeds to the Mystery Shack so he could find out what lies beneath. His name is Gideon, and he's the second worst person I've ever met. And when Gideon couldn't get inside the safe to take the deeds for himself, he decided to turn to dark magic.
When Soos and I — oh, Soos is our friend, he works at the Shack — when we wander off to do cool fun friend stuff, we catch Gideon in the woods casting a demon-summoning spell.
[Her eyes widen. A dramatic wave of the hand outlines the scope of the horrors to come.]
The whole world went black and white...time stood still...and out from a flaming hole in the sky, he came...a triangle demon. Bill Cipher.
[Her tiny hands clench into tiny fists, which shake with fury as she declares:] Who is the NUMBER ONE worst person I've ever met!!
Bill promised Gideon he'd go into Stan's mind and fish out the combination if he did him an evil favour. Soos and I ran back to get my brother, and the three of us recited a spell that would let us follow him into the gray, desolate wasteland of my Grunkle Stan's mind!
It was black and white in there too, and everything was broken and empty and it all felt very sad. There was a bizarro version of the Shack there, and inside was a maze of doors and corridors. Each one led to a different memory, and we had to race Bill to the one containing the safe combination. Sadly, Dipper decided to be a poopy pants and saw something that convinced him that Stan didn't like him, which is a total lie, and he wandered off alone all sulky. Soos and I were forced to fend for ourselves. We found the door with the code first, but Bill ripped it straight out of the ground and flew off with it.
Luckily, I had a nyarf gun on me! And I was able to shoot it out of his grasp and into a bottomless pit memory, from that time we all fell into a bottomless pit!
Much less luckily, this made Gideon call the deal off and Bill got angry. Very angry. He started glowing red and his eye started flashing creepy symbols, and then he grew huge! So huge he was bigger than a house! And he used his demon powers to bring all our worst nightmares to life.
But then, on the horizon — DIPPER AROSE! He'd gotten over his personal biz, and somehow learned that in the mindscape, anything you can imagine comes true! So he shot at Bill with lazers, and I shot kittens at him, and we were all ready to blow him clear out of Stan's mind when suddenly!
He wiped everything away. And told us he was impressed, and that we'd meet again, and that he'll be watching us. Then he vanished!
For like a little while. He came back later to possess Dipper, among...other things...
[Things best not dwelt on right now.
She halts. Frowning.]
Where was I? Oh boy, I need a glass of water. I can't believe I haven't run out of time yet on the message. This would be like eight voicemails at least. Perhaps ten. Uuuuuh... [A mighty squint follows.]
Well. Gideon just wound up blowing up the safe to get the deed. Makes you wonder why he didn't just do that in the first place.
We got evicted, he tried to set up this amusement park on our property to cover for his evil plans, and Grunkle Stan put Dipper and me on a bus out of Gravity Falls. As it turns out though, Gideon had a giant robot version of himself? It was really weird. But that's what megalomaniacs do, I guess. They get giant robots. He chased us down and tried to kidnap me to be his queen, which is... Yeeeeugh, never ever, cross my heart and hope to die.
But Dipper jumped through the robot's eyeball to beat up the real life Gideon inside! And then the giant robot fell off the bridge we were fighting on! And Dipper and I were falling too, certain to perish on the rocks below!
THEN I SHOT OFF MY GRAPPLING HOOK AND SAVED US BOTH!! [From out of frame she pulls her mighty weapon, brandishing it for all and sundry. An ounce of confirmation that this whole thing is not just a vivid fancy she invented on a whim.] And the townsfolk found the creepy surveillance monitors Gideon was using to fake his psychic powers, and he got sent to adult prison!
[With a snap of her fingers and a Cheshire Cat grin, she finally, finally finishes.]
And that's how we won back the Shack!
I WAS RIVETED BY EVERY WORD
So for the brave girl who saw time stand still, who leaped through minds, who faced terrible villains and terrible dreams, who survived a towering terror and emerged a maiden pure, who shot her grappling hook, who saved the day and won back the Shack, Gilgamesh offers his sincerest applause.]
How wonderful! What an adventure, indeed. You certainly did deliver, I must admit. Skills such as yours may even put my own people to shame.
[Maybe. That's as far as he's willing to concede. Gilgamesh calms from his peals of laughter to field her an evener look.]
Mabel, was it? You may come and find me now; this prize of yours has been well-earned.
you're a brave soul..........
YES! YES! [Her fists are tossed into the air as she crows with the thrill of victory.] Hahahaha! Yes, oh man! I gotta tell Dipper!
You got it, it's Mabel! Hello! [She broadcasts a grin eight miles wide into the camera, braces glinting.] I'm coming right now!
[The transmission cuts.
Then three minutes later, there is another. She's shutting someone's door. There's muffled yelling behind her and her face is beet red.]
...I have no idea where you are.
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Shall I come and find you, then? A human child is easy enough to sense...
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Uh. Okay! I'll be, uh. [She glances down the hallway. Then tilts the camera thing to the long rows of doors.]
Down this hallway! Text me if you get lost too.
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And then the hallway in question fills with an immense pulse of light, great and all consuming like a miniature sun; a golden portal appears above her head, and from it descends Gilgamesh, now wearing a full suit of shining armor covered in gilded patterns. If Mabel has never seen a true knight, her eyes do not deceive—it is indeed a handsome figure that descends before her now in a heavenly sort of splendor spoken only of in fairy tales.
It is either a man brimming with confidence or a one so thoroughly crushed by his own ego that would put on such a show for her. The air itself sparkles all around him, feels warmer for his very presence. He lands without a sound on the heels of his feet and takes up her hand smoothly, effortlessly, dancing around to her front.]
So you have found me after all.
[A+ Charisma strikes again.]
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There is a hole in the air above her. And the Lord said, "Let there be light! Directly into Mabel Pines' corneas."]
Uwaaah!! My eyes!! [She's on the ground and skittering back, blinking furiously. Let it be known that looking directly into the sun is bad for you kiddos.
BUT LO, it is no sun that shines above her now. It is an excessively golden man. Gold hair, gold armor, golden glow all around his person.
Belatedly, it occurs to her that up close he looks an awful lot like that guy who was fighting Lancer wore on that training thing. The one she'd been watching on the network.
......this is still pretty impressive though.
She just sits gaping for a moment. Then slowly...
Brings her hands together. One clap.
Then two.
Then lots more.]
Wow! That's exactly how I want to show up at my wedding someday!!
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Gilgamesh gives her a few moments to stare in rightful awe, and of course succumbs to her bounty of applause, bowing in place as if it were expected and well-deserved. He's certainly handsome enough to look at, though those that knew him better might say he was very ugly, indeed.]
And a beautiful bride you shall make, I am most certain. Now, let's see, lion, lion...
[Gilgamesh reaches up to the same portal and starts rummaging. Just what is in there? Some candy falls out, and then some gems and necklaces, pieces of gold... apparently it was more than just a means of handy transport. Eventually, there is a meow. A telling sort of meow.]
Oh? Did you hear a lion, somewhere? I could've sworn it was about.
[He's teasing her, clearly.]
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To her mind, he's a perfect shoe in for some god/fairy/what-have-you king. Looks the part, acts the part, blinged for the part. Old timey Iraq must have been wild. Gold armor? Talk about ritzy!
She grins brightly (that's basically saying she's pretty now, right? Whatever, she'll take it!) and rolls back onto her feet. She only has to rub her eyes once or twice to get the dazzle burn out.
Then he just reaches up and...rifles through the golden hole. Trinkets and goodies fall out as he hunts for the lion cub.]
You can keep live animals in there? [Ching ching. An emerald skittles past her feet, and then what must be a dubloon. Or something. She picks it up curiously, the shine reflected in her eyes.] I bet you'd get a fortune for that on Storage Duels.
[This thing was a heck of a lot more impressive than an old locker full of powertools and rusty pinball machines, let her tell you.
BUT THEN! IT SOUNDS OFF. HER CHILD.
Mabel rushes up close to Gilgamesh and tilts her head way back, trying to peer into the portal as best as she can. Mostly it's just burning her eyes again.]
LION! LION CAN YOU HEAR ME?! IT'S MABEL, YOUR NEW MOM! WALK AWAY FROM THE LIGHT, LION!
[Her arms stretch out. Ready to catch it.]
EMBRACE DARKNESS!
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[Uh...]
...
[...damn, Mabel, you've really got a way of silencing everyone in the immediate vicinity with crazy antics. So much so that the even the usual purveyor of crazy antics has nothing to say. But her impassioned calling, if one might refer to it as that, bears some fruit; eventually a fuzzy object comes tumbling out of the Gate, landing a short distance away, that looks something like a lion. A little tawny cub, meowing fiercely, reflecting the great maned beast he will someday become.]
There he is. I suppose.
[The cub toddles towards Mabel and immediately makes his introduction by pouncing on her foot and gnawing at it.]
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Tragically, she's not able to stop it colliding with the floor. It tumbles down out of her reach, and for a moment she's left to gasp in horror. What if it got hurt?
But then the furry lump rolls up to its feet, and presents its face. Its perfect, beautiful, amber-eyed fluffy boo-boo cutie pie little face. Her eyes go wide and her hands press to her cheeks.
When it comes to her shoe and starts to chew at it, she can contain herself no longer.]
He's...so...cuuuuuuute!!
[Mabel drops to her knees (which leaves her at Gilgamesh's feet, they're still sort of in each other's personal bubbles here) and immediately picks up the tiny bean under its forelegs. There's a shine in her eyes that cannot be attributed to the golden glow of the portal.
It tries to paw at her wrists, kicking fussily. She pulls it into her chest and rubs her nose to the top of its furry head, a high pitched keen emitting from the three mile grin on her face. It mewls and fidgets until she pulls back and lets it wrestle with her hands, rolling all over her lap.
She looks up to Gilgamesh, wet at the lashes and whispering in awe.]
Thank you, Golden Stranger...
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Which means he expects to be on speed dial whenever she can't. Maybe this wasn't the best decision, but Gilgamesh lived in the moment, and in the moment it felt right. At least he could always demand more stories from her as tribute.]
Just Gilgamesh will do.
[And here he coughs, clears his throat, and returns to sterner form. Though, of course, she now knows the truth.]
Do not displease me with improper care, child. My wrath can be most terrible.
[Yes. Most terrible, when moments ago he was applauding her storytelling like a child himself.]
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