futurology | VIDEO; UN: HAWKEYE

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VIDEO; UN: HAWKEYE

[Instead of any person, the scene presently on the screen is of a backpack lying in the snow, overflowing with child leashes in a variety of different colors and patterns. The voice that pipes up has about as much warmth as the chill tundra wind and is just loud enough to cut through the continued wailing of infant squidges nearby.]

It appears that some of our superiors question our ability to properly watch over these small creatures.

[Though if the delivery was sent in earnest rather than as a practical joke, she can't say she disagrees with the assessment, at least not with regards to a certain subsection of Team Audentes. (Fortune might favor the bold, but it certainly won't favor anyone lacking basic common sense as far as she's concerned.)

Regardless, she presses on.]

While I should hope that none of you will need one at the moment [judging u if you put a leash on ur infant squidge tbh] some of you may find them necessary at a later point in this mission. There seem to be enough for each recruit to have one.

[Unfortunately.

A brief pause follows, enough time for a resigned sigh.]

With that said, if you are concerned about caring for a living being, I'm sure there are several of us willing to provide advice.

(ooc: i bought a bunch of child leashes as an ac reward as i was completely out of ideas, feel free to handwave your character grabbed one.)

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Yeah! They should totally trust us more!

[ Ah. Hahah. Yeah... ]

Hey, might as well use them if we have them though, right? Better safe than sorry?!

(eying the leashes, wondering why in the quiznak people would ever need one for such docile aliens.)

... I guess common sense isn't that common any more.

[you and her both, buddy]

ALASTAIR seems to have lowered their standards during recruitment of this team. [There's a brief pause here, punctuated by the sound of continued wailing.] Assuming they had any standards to begin with.

This seems like an extreme measure. Who would leash a child?

[She doesn't quite crack a smile at Undyne's reply, though her expression softens.]

I suppose that is true. No one's squidge will wander away if they have one of these.

[Hopefully. She's praying for that. (Her face does wrinkle at the word 'squidge' but it clears quick enough, replaced by curiosity.)]

How is yours doing so far?

Someone with no grasp on how to properly parent a child. Or someone who equates children with animals.

[Either way, not great.]

Honestly, I'm beginning to doubt their background checks and I've only been here a short time.

(a moment of silence for her situation.......)

Do you need any help there? I can try to help calm them down, or—separate the noisy ones. (they get a timeout.)

[she never asked to be a parent, ok....

But she does wince at the offer, reminded once again of the critical differences between raising a baby dog and a baby squidge.]

I think it's hungry. It refuses to eat any of the rations in my bag though.

Hm. (thinking about this predicament, shiro clears his throat and motions to his own squidge,) The Blob has a pretty big appetite. Maybe if yours saw mine eating, it'd want to join in?

I doubt it'd be something else, because they don't seem to... you know. Excrete anything.

(going straight to hell)

Jeez, did they send any aloe to go with that burn..?

[ He says as if he's not exactly part of the target audience for this backhanded shipment. ]

[ ... ]

[ There's definitely a lot of high-pitched high-octane fussing going on off-camera, because he's not looking at it anymore, he's shooting a long string of no no no nos down to his right and lunging for something. ]

So uh, you wouldn't happen to be one of those several, huh?

[What. She's no scientific expert - give her a pistol over a petri dish any day - but she's prettttty sure that's not how biology works.]

Are you sure you've waited long enough...?

[right there with you.]

[Sigma.......

Not that Riza's doing much better, her own jello baby's wails forming a veritable chorus with Sigma's, but at least she's got hold of the thing. (And to the be fair, the shrills are quieting, just...slowly.)]

I've never raised a child myself and I'd never planned on it but I can try. [At the very least, she can tell you what not to do.] What do you need help with?

Now I... I don't know.

(this is going to keep bothering him from now on.)

Have you seen—?

[ What...... ]

Well I mean, you've probably got a couple more motherly instincts than I do by default, right...

[ Also god, don't call it a child, that's not a point he needs driven home right now. It's eerily soft and translucent but he's... seen a baby, at least, it's way too baby-like to pass off as some sort of exotic pet. Who designed this. Why. ]

But it uh, he— He? I donno, sure, he kinda got into the food in my bag about an hour ago, and he hasn't left it alone since... He goes up a whole damn octave when you detach him.

[ At least Sigma looks like he's taking his time prying the squidge's little hands off the canvas flap of his bag, but as promised, its wails spike exponentially in both volume and pitch as he pulls it close to his chest (and pulls a face for good measure. Help.) ]

I...haven't.

[But to be fair, her squidge put anything in the one hole for it to be able to—err, come out the other.]

If your offer's still open, I'll bring mine over to see if it'll eat anything.

[And then they can observe the squidges afterwards. Y'know. For science.]

Absolutely. (shiro nods, conveniently not too far away from where everyone's been lingering.) I'll be here for the next little while. This guy's pretty tired.

(shows her a view of his location. and a shot of the squidge who is happily... absorbing something that looks like jerky. sure enough, they'll still be in virtually the same position when hawkeye arrives, shiro seated on the small pillow from his sleeping bag.)

[The gods of this universe are just out to punish them all, it seems. But, hm. Overeating's a common enough problem, in both humans and...other life forms.

While she continues rocking her own squidge back and for, she ponders.]

Have you tried distracting it with something else? A toy or a story of some kind? Letting it overeat will just result in bad habits later down the line that are harder to break.

That does little to endear the idea of leashing them to me.

[ He chose text for this on purpose, because the level of dislike he's feeling for this is well beyond the muted sort of emotion he normally shows. ]

[Pictured: both Shizuo and the squidge tucked under his chin peering quizzically into the feed.]

What...those look like leashes, though? Aren't those usually for dogs?

They are leashes. Apparently someone thinks some of us are willing to treat children like dogs.

[Hence the problem she's having with all of this.]

Ah, what the hell...that's kind of messed up, then. Think I'm gonna pass. [His squidge burbles something that might be an agreement and might just be conveniently timed. But either way, Shizuo's sure it would appreciate this decision too. Really though...] Where'd those even come from, though? Found them lying around somewhere?

I would hope not. But there are a few here that are particularly close-minded about things. I don't know that they would see these creatures as anything but animals.

[His only answer's a nod before she shuts down this one line of communication to open up another, more personal one. It doesn't take too long for her to appear, quietly crying squidge cradled in her arms and flanked by a black and white dog looking rather put out by the entire situation.

She loosens a hold on her squidge just enough for a small wave, though it's then that she realizes she has no idea what his actual name is. (The usernames on the network aren't always accurate.)]

I never did introduce myself. Riza Hawkeye.

I don't blame you.

[As for the question...she sighs again, shaking her head in exasperation.]

A surprise supply drop from ALASTAIR. Would that it'd been something actually useful rather than nonsense.

[Like more food, more blankets, more just about anything else.]

[At this Shizuo blinks a little, visibly surprised.]

Oh, so there's been more of that sort of thing going around? That makes a lot more sense now. I recently got something from them too...some guy called Lloyd sent me a whole carton of cigarettes. And a note telling me smoking is bad. [And nicotine patches...and stress balls......but that's beside the point. The point is--] I want to be grateful but I'm still just kind of offended, and now I'm getting the same feeling from this leash stuff. Are rude gifts a trend with these guys or something?

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