VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[selfimage]

[ Asher he knows that face. ]

...

Wrong score, but better, in retrospect.

oh gOOOOOD

[moneyballer]

I-D-friggin'-K, maaaaang!

[Mang?! Who even say that anymore...]

I'd take a helping of some funky fresh punani over some showtunes anyday, but hey! That's just me.

[gROSS]

why

[selfimage]

[ those are not things that are mutually exclusive, Asher. ]

...

Er—"funky fresh"?

[ this is the most important. ]

[moneyballer]

[Ah, he realizes his mishap.]

Ehhhh, fresh? Clean? I dunno.

I mean, they all smell funny.

[aSHER!!!!!!]

[selfimage]

Is that really the first thing you think of when it comes to the heat between someone's legs? How it smells?

[ tbf, he's never really focusing on that. ]

jESUS

[moneyballer]

Honestly?

[With an air of nonchalance:]

I kinda dig it.

these are your decisions

[selfimage]

Then I wish you well in the endeavor of sniffing the punani, if that's what you mortals do.

[ or, you know, whatever it is that you do, Asher. ]

[moneyballer]

[wait a minute]

You're-

[gay?]

Immortal?

[selfimage]

[ it's the sound of jazz hands. ]

Surprise!

[moneyballer]

Oh my god.

[WHAT IF-]

How old are you?

[selfimage]

Ah—hm ... I don't know.

[ actually, he has to think about this one. ]

Twenty ... ish?

[moneyballer]

[He doesn't believe you.]

So you're twenty and not, like, two-hundred?

[selfimage]

I think I would know if I were two hundred.

[moneyballer]

Whoaaa, dude!

[Asher isn't one to think too deeply about the consequences of such a thing.]

That's bangin'! Do you age and all dat bidness-

[c e a se]

[selfimage]

Of course I age; I'm not a sparkly vampire type, I'm a god.

[ as if that explains everything. ]

[moneyballer]

So you're gonna get, like, hella wrinkly as time goes by? Dannnnnnng.

[A goofy smile makes its way onto his face.]

Have fun trimming those 500 year old nose hairs, suckaaaa.

[selfimage]

And only—how do mortals do it again?—four hundred seventy years after you? That isn't so bad.

[ take that, bro. ]

It's four hundred seventy years of funky fresh punani for me.

[moneyballer]

I mean, if you can still get that much pussy with a soggy peen...

[Asher shrugs, off-handedly.]

More power to ya, broski.

[He is clearly impressed. how did this get so friendly]

[selfimage]

[ you know what, he doesn't want to think about King Loki's disgusting old man prick. ]

Don't get insecure beneath the eye of experience, now.

[moneyballer]

Don't got nothing to be jealous of! When it comes to the ladies, I've got loads of experience.

[Okay. At least that much is true.]

Either way, I guess I'll see you around? Mista-foreva-fly?

[?????

meanin u will b fly... 4ever. u kno, cuz u immortal!?% mr

ok

im sry]

[selfimage]

As you will. [ it's casual enough that it means that he's not arguing. ] We are on the same team, after all, it would be hard to avoid me.

[ you know, in case that's something you wanted, broski. ]

[moneyballer]

[He doesn't feel the need to avoid Loki, not just yet.

Although, he probably should, considering every incredibly embarrassing thing he's uttered at this point.]

Yeah! Same team.

[did u mean the young, bi, n rdy 2 cry team or]

I'll catch ya later.

[Asher makes an irritating clicking sound with his mouth, which is accompanied by a wink. Shortly after, the feed turns off.]