VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

voice, @TARANTO

[heavyhitter]

Oh my god. [ it's out like a reverent whisper ] You're such a relic.

video

[moneyballer]

[How fitting, that the very first words spoken to him are ones that feed one of many insecurities that he has about himself. Appearances are everything, and in fact, they're all he has to hide the deep resentment he holds for himself, and when that comes into question...]

What?

[He looks irritated.]

Did you just call me old?

video; un: SadistKingXIII

[sadistfaction]

[What the fuck. What did he just have to see with his own two eyes.]

Are you having a stroke?

[No, no wait. That's not it. That can't be right.]

Get help. Say no to drugs.

video

[moneyballer]

[Uttered quickly, very matter-of-fact:]

All I stroke is straight up pussy, son.

[and his own dick butt

u kno]

text; un: okami

[whatshimadayou]

Stop that.

[moneyballer]

stop what?

being, like, totally cooler than you?

[..............

he think's he's so.... clever]

voice; un:unknownrealms

[headlining]

[what in the LORD]

...Are you even speaking English?

VIDEO

[moneyballer]

[guess what stupid American has trouble understanding english/scottish accents home skillet brisket, also the interference is nut helping]

...Are you?

[He looks genuinely dumbfounded.]

video; @marine01

[soru]

[ that was

it's

well

uh ]

That was quite a performance. Is there really supposed to be more?

[moneyballer]

Uh, duh, homie!

How else are we gonna get things all poppin' up in this biznatch?

[What he means is: What better way to raise morale?

Asher is too white for this. Please, stop him from misusing and appropriating slang that does not belong to him.]

video; un: mccree

[flashbanging]

[ McCree can't call anyone out on speaking like they're from a whole other time period, and he well knows it. Even so, he doesn't know what the hell to make of this. ]

... well, partner, you got spirit. I'll give you that.

video

[moneyballer]

Partner...?

[Asher looks perplexed, brows furrowing as he tries to process that.]

Are... Are you hitting on me?

Is this a gay thing?

oh my god. text, @red.

[gutpunching]

[Wow. That's cute.]

No, keep going, I think you're on to something.

[Tone is so hard to tell through text, isn't it?]

1/???

[moneyballer]

[aaaaAAAHHHHH]

UN: LOKI. AUDIO.

[selfimage]

[ he sounds mock incredulous. ]

I've died.

[ a pause, his voice dripping. ]

I've died and gone back to the nineties.

omg im so sorry i misread that tag as "video", video still

[moneyballer]

The nineties were ballin', yo.

[Said whimsically, as if he's teasing or something like that:]

What? You don't like my rhymes?

video | username: olivia

[winces]

[ see, she'd been with him the moment he started talking about a theme song. what a way to rally the morale, you know? get the spirits up! plus — it will deal with singing and music! something she actually has experience in!




...and then he started singing.

or, what olivia thinks is singing, anyway. she's not entirely sure. ]

O-Oh, um. [ this must be how they "sing" in his world. it's certainly... different! but interesting, too? in any case, it's unfinished, and olivia is too much of an artist to let herself judge someone's work before it's considered complete. ]

That was really, um. [ what was the term he used? ] Fresh!

I like it!

[ she thinks. ]

video

[moneyballer]

[Asher blinks at the girl on the feed, tilting his head to the side as he watches her carefully. Wow! She's cute, really cute, actually. He watches her fidget and stutter, unsure if he's ever seen someone quite this timid.]

Awww! Thanks, girly-girl.

[Clearly, the 1L is very endeared.

Either way, she's managed to earn a real smile from him.]

You're not really into hip-hop, huh.

video | un: navigator

[weatherscience]

[ ...

...

...

...

For a good minute, the video shows an orange-haired girl in her twenties, wearing a bikini top, staring. And staring.

And staring.

Until, ]

... never speak again.

text

[moneyballer]

[the unfortunate result of fapping 2 videos of this sort on the internet is, that, in fact

when u r presented with this kind of situation in REAL life

the "conditioned response" u kno, happens 2 happen, and in this case that's a boner

so he'll b texting from here on out]

whoa!!!

chill

i was just

i was just havin sum fun aite no need 2 b a bitch about it

[nevermind that he's shifting uncomfortably in his seat, wherever he's sitting, in a sad attempt to hide a boner from asher jr ok]

voice ; un: man of still

[figureitout]

Dude.

[ A respectful silence. ]

Dude.

[ WHAT CAN YOU EVEN SAY IN THE FACE OF SOMETHING SO-

SO-- ]

You've got all the makings of a legend right there, totally nailing it.

Also, stallion. That's what you should rhyme with million.

[moneyballer]

Really man? I dunno...

[Asher squints and runs a hand through his hair, actually considering it.]

That just doesn't sound right. Do they even have horses here?

VIDEO: un: coolskeleton95

[boneafide]

[And yes, he's a real skeleton that's talking to him.]

Wow! That sure... is something!! It's very... full of words! That somewhat rhyme!!

[Even Papyrus doesn't know what to think about this.]

[moneyballer]

Did you just... Did a skeleton just fucking talk to me?

[????]

Aren't you supposed to be dead, man?

[video] @SERENE

[sereneflame]

[Serene's raising her brows, befuddled and unimpressed. Is her translator on the fritz? She's not catching a good third of the words he's coming out with, but from what she is catching she doesn't think she's missing much]

You know, most poets and song writers try to work out their lyrics before presenting them to the public. Have you considered trying out that method instead?

Re: ( video ) un: achilles

[moneyballer]

[Asher gets that she might be trying to (gently) consider that he stop talking, but at least she was nice about it.]

Awwww, but this is freestyle, guuuuurl.

[Playfully:]

Why? You don't like it?

video: un L . L

[asscan]

A theme song would require an orchestral introduction, a choral accompaniment, and an appropriate introductory ballad worthy of note.

[Oh goddesses both, the dragon is actually considering the concept. He seems unphased by the horrific rhymes, perhaps because his are worse.]

Running off of your current.. hrm, "theme," you might require a back-beat.

[Have a considerably more bass beatbox example than any human could manage to accomplish. Try not to brown your pants with that note, puny human.]

Re: video: un L . L

[moneyballer]

[wHAT the fuCK IS THAT

talkin 2 him

what is-]

Huh.

[Asher nods slowly, obviously weirded out by whatever he sees on the video. Still, he tries not to seem openly... Freaked out.]

A back-beat. You mean like a sample? Um! These kinds of songs, where I'm from... There's like a short beat you play in the background, it's repeated over and over until the lyrics are done...

That's a sample.

[yeahhhh wh...o... is this]

( video ) un: achilles

[heelies]

[...

...

He understood perhaps a tenth of a tenth of all that.]

If truly you desire to practice as a bard, then first you should learn to carry a melody. The rhythm is not displeasing, but your song lacks a tune - how then is the audience to know whether it is a song to which they listen, or the raving of a madman? Furthermore, your lyrics are so hopelessly knotted that one would need a sword to slice through, and even then I cannot be sure these are words rather than mere noise.

[moneyballer]

[Asher stares awkwardly at the camera, put-off by this man's... Severely uncouth appearance. Or at least, for someone from his own world. There's so much hair going on, face, head, eveything!

The young lawyer squints to observe the other a little more carefully. How long has it been since Achilles has had a bath? Only god knows. In fact, Asher is paying such close attention to the other's general countenance that he almost misses the words completely, dismissing them for confused babble.]

Heeeeeeeyyyyy, buddy.

[Oh, no...]

How are ya? Are you... Are you doin' okay?

[WHO DO YOU-

ASHER???? HE'S NOT!!! HOMELESS, HE'S NOT A CRAZY HOMELESS MAN-]

Do you need somethin'? Money, or... A shower, maybe?

text; | un: FruitsParfaitSamurai

[naturallywavy]

_{[ this guy????? is very annoying.. stop.. ]}
hey
does your ass ever get jealous of your mouth and all of the useless shit that comes out of it?

text

[moneyballer]

wut r u implyin

[something... sexual???]

[Action]

[sekimorinashi]

[ What is this and why is she present for it. Why didn't she just hear it across the network and could ignore it entirely. Now it's just kind of there, and not so easy to just ignore. ]

What're ya doin'?

[moneyballer]

[Ah, a cute blonde.

He sees this as a flirting opportunity.]

Uh, nobody! Right about now.

[don't smile like that u douchebag]

Unless you're free later.

[😉

🍆?]

video | un: RHY5-W1NZ

[dbag]

Okay, first of all... that is sick, please continue writing that. Second of all, are we supposed to know who you are, or?

[moneyballer]

[That's probably sarcastic, but he'll take it as a complement.]

Sweet, thanks! And oh, uh-

[Asher's reaction indicates that he is used to being recognized in some form or way, but that attention isn't always positive. His shoulders stiffen and he stumbles over his words, pausing to open his mouth and let out a breath of air.]

I guess not! No. No, you wouldn't.

[Nobody else from home seems to be here- They'd have yelled at him over the feed already.]

video; @daria

[conqueress]

[ Her brow furrows into a squint during the "song," but after: Remarkably, she keeps her face a neutral mask, and directs a deeply restrained observation his way. ]

You do not share a common language with half our number, it seems.

[ Why this. ]

IM SO SORRY FOR TAKING FOREVER 1/?

[moneyballer]

[Holy shit.

Asher almost replies too quickly, taking her for one of the other Victorian folks around here, until he recognizes her features from somewhere. He squints, wondering where he's seen a girl like this before, as she definitely doesn't resemble anyone he knows from school.

There are a few marked differences between her and the woman he's watched on TV, sure, but that silver hair and derisive stare? It just has to be-]