text, @TARANTO, day after the saloon fire

[heavyhitter]

hey guys guess what: blankets!!! me and TF to the fucking rescue, we rustled up like 40 of these bad boys
super cozy, some nice patterns. one of them has a robot wolf on it
it was also all entirely legal

they're ALMOST free, all you gotta do is tell me a story then come get one (i'm by those spiky ass fat plants that bleed if you knock them over)

also since i have 40 and there's more than 40 of us, i guess also pick someone to get cozy with

Comments

text, un: RHY5-W1NZ

[dbag]

Why stories? Why don't you just, like... give them to us out of the goodness of your heart or whatever people do.

[heavyhitter]

because i didn't come with very much of that, and there's no internet connection here

[dbag]

Sooooo you want like, internet creepypasta? Or what.

[heavyhitter]

personal story, irish folklore, cautionary tale, drinking story, whatever
just gimme if you want a fucking blanket, i swear it's not that hard

[dbag]

I didn't say it was hard, okay, I'm just trying to figure out my audience! K, well, I heard this one a lot:

So, once upon a time, there was this guy, Jack. Total everyman, just a Hyperion programmer with ~big dreams~. He came to Pandora, a world of danger, and decided he needed to make it a better place. He wanted to turn the craphole planet of Pandora into somewhere civilized people could live, but to do that, he needed a weapon.

He heroically opened a Vault, facing vicious creatures and insane bandits, and slew the monster that guarded it known as The Destroyer, then ingeniously used its eye to create a super-weapon, which he named the Eye of Helios. Unfortunately, the evil Colonel Zarpedon of the Dahl Lost Legion stole the weapon and used it for her own purposes, aiming to destroy Pandora's moon, Elpis, so that Jack could never reach its Vault. However, Jack and his merry band of Vault Hunters defeated Dahl... only for him to be betrayed by the evil fortune hunters he once called friends.

Against all odds, he found his way to Elpis's Vault, and discovered the secrets of the Eridians and the priceless alien mineral, Eridium, buried within Pandora. His success rose him through the ranks of Hyperion until he became its president, and began to use his power to mine Eridium and bring order to the world of Pandora. Total hero, everyone applauded, etc.

Turns out that's TOTAL BS, but when you work for the guy, you hear it enough to know it by heart. So. There's your story.

[heavyhitter]

ok good start
but see now you gotta tell me what else you know about it
you can't just say it's bs then end it there, god

[dbag]

Whoa, hey, no. You're asking for two stories for the price of one, and you aren't even gonna sweeten the pot?

[heavyhitter]

oh my god okay fine, two blankets, be a hero and share one with one of these guys who suck so bad at stories
keep going

[dbag]

[ probably not gonna share it tbh but ]

Ok fine, sooo actually he killed a bunch of people. Like, a LOT. A L-O-T. Like "just for funsies" sometimes. And also he was a total dick. Which you could probably glean from the fact that he killed a lot of people, but just in case you didn't.

[heavyhitter]

ok
it doesn't end there right
that's not second blanket worthy

[dbag]

Omg. I was trying to save you from the gory details, are you saying you WANT the gory details??

[heavyhitter]

oh my god have you MET me? fork them the fuck over