( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[sadgay]

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Comments

video; un: deathweaver

[respired]

Dead men don't ask questions.

[ Because that's what they're gonna be, see?? ]

[sadgay]

[If Koltira's dreadful appearance alone weren't enough to wipe the cocky grin off his face...]

Uh...you can't just start killing people willy nilly the second you get on the ship. That's pretty much the opposite of espionage.

[respired]

[ You do it your way; he's gonna do it his way. ]

No. But it won't matter, in the end.

[sadgay]

Okay, Linkin Park.

But consider this. The order that we do stuff in might actually matter insofar as whether or not we get our asses creamed.

[respired]

[ He doesn't understand that reference ... ]

Our objective is to destroy their machine and their ship. I will not be maintaining a ruse any longer than necessary.

[sadgay]

[A sharp coldness grips his heart as he remembers that ultimately they would have to render the ship unusable, unsalvageable. He has been so focused on the question of his own survival that he has forgotten to ask himself what would become of the people on board.]

They don't all have to die, do they? Not everyone is as cool with...with wanton murder as you seem to be.

[respired]

It is not murder. It is justice.

[sadgay]

Yeah, in third-world countries. And Texas.

[Plus 30 other states, but that is beside the point.]

I get that this is basically war, and some casualties will probably be unavoidable, but-- Can't we just take them prisoner?

[respired]

[ What's Texas? Sounds ridiculous! ]

Why? We already have a Zymandis prisoner. Taking more would increase the chances of their escape, and thus the possibility of another invasion on Oska.

[ That ain't even good strategy. ]

[sadgay]

Well maybe we should build a prison that isn't shit.

And anyway, we don't have to keep them there til they rot. Even Nazis got put on trial before any of them could be executed. How do we even know that every single person on that ship was complicit in the atrocities these guys have committed? We can't just assume that.

[respired]

[ WHAT'S A NAZI ]

[ He raises an eyebrow. ]

Are you saying that they didn't know what they were signing up for? I find that unlikely.

[sadgay]

[That this man seems intent on dismissing him as foolish, as puerile, only makes him fight harder to be heard.]

Can you say with absolute certainty that they don't pick up recruits that just happen to fall through the rifts, or whatever, just like all of us here did? Nowhere in the briefing I read did it say anything about where their members come from. And that definitely seems like the kind of information that would be smart to leave out, if ALASTAIR wants us hunting down these Zymandis assholes as badly as they do.

[respired]

The Timeline has not ordered us to kill anyone.

[ Koltira just wants to do it. ]

And if Zymandis functions as we do, then their people do the job willingly. We are not forced, despite whatever mealy-mouthed nonsense some of you choose to believe. Nothing suggests force in Zymandis's recruits, either.

They carry out their objectives willingly--with relish, in all cases that we've seen.

[sadgay]

Right, because once I'm zapped onto a spaceship full of murdering psychopaths I'm left with so many options for how to proceed.

And anyway, just because that's what you've seen, it doesn't mean it's without exception. I'm not saying these guys aren't terrible, or that it's wrong to condemn the crimes they've committed. I'm just saying...if their leadership falls apart, isn't that enough? Without a head, the arms and legs are useless. So cut off the head, sure, but you don't need to hack the body to pieces.

[respired]

Zymandis is an infection. If it is not utterly destroyed, it will rise again.

[ He sounds pretty firm in this belief. ]

TEXT; UN: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[Asher casts a hesitant eye at the video feed from Koltira, thinking it better to respond carefully and with text. After all, he is deeply aware of the kind of destruction that the elf is capable of, even though his own encounter with it was indirect and long ago.]

hey

[The killing part is out of his hands, hands that have been stained with blood already.]

is this about woodhurst?

[respired]

[ He looks genuinely confused. ]

What do you mean?

[moneyballer]

like

[How does he put this lightly.]

idk about you big guy, but that's the thing that really made me hate their guts

[Koltira's rules for killing are different than Asher's own most likely, but he senses a bit of a personal slight here.]

not that i'm cool with all the other godawful shiz they've been up to, but

you're not plannin' on bustin in and goin all serial killer on em right away, are ya?

[respired]

[ He wasn't a huge fan of the zombie virus, that's true, but wanton cruelty or not, Zymandis's goal is still intolerable. ]

I do not hate their guts.

[ Not more than he's just generally hateful, at least. ]

They perpetuate evil, and they must be stopped. I will stop them--by whatever means necessary.

[ His eyebrows furrow. ]

And I am not a serial killer.

audio; un: cardmaster

[fateality]

...You don't need me to say this, but.

I think this would be good for you. And you shouldn't be concerned with what everyone else has got to say about it.

[respired]

I don't know that it will be 'good'.

[ He has a feeling it's going to be pretty bad, honestly. ]

But I am not worried about the others.

[ As usual, they can think what they like. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. ]

[fateality]

Maybe not good, sure. But it's what you're gonna need.

I know folks 'round here got a habit of tellin' you otherwise. I'm behind you, is all.

[respired]

They can say whatever they like.

[ He doesn't think he's unreasonable, really. But in the end, he's always going to do what he feels is right. Still ... he softens a little. ]

But I'm grateful that you say differently.

[fateality]

'Course.

...I've got your back. And frankly, I don't got a problem with what you gotta do. We're good, honey.

[respired]

Thank you, To --

[ He pauses. They're on the network. ]

-- Fate.

[ So long as TF remains a constant, Koltira doesn't need much else. ]