( video ) un: wtfwhocares

[sadgay]

[When the video feed flickers on, the team will see Asher and Connor side by side, sharply dressed and poised to deliver a pitch. Around them spans the castle’s library, its shelves looming and brimming with books and its lanterns glowing in the dimness that encourages a studious sort of quiet. A quiet that is about to come to an end as Connor opens his mouth.]

This is a public service announcement from the offices of-- [He cues the other man.]

A-Milly from over the hillyyyyyy~♪

--and Connor Walsh, attorneys at law.

[*They are not real attorneys. They have not passed the bar exam in any state, country, planet, or dimension.]

Welcome to Espionage 101, or as we prefer to call it--

[They part to reveal the easel chalkboard that waits behind them, across which Asher writes with gusto:]

--How to get away with lying. Responsibly! And not like a lil’ bitch.

[Asher finds it necessary enough to add their addendum to the title in tiny parentheses.]

Now, seeing as most of you are totez clueless when it comes to this whole fake identity thing, we’d like to give you a couple of pointers to start, so you uh. Don’t blow the whole operation and risk Zymandis kickin’ our keisters, ‘cause if ya ask me? Those guys are the definition of cray cray.

[The look Connor gives him is only half as judgmental as it could be. Why does he insist on resurrecting the most ancient of lingo… Nevertheless, he continues the spiel.]

The most basic rule of lying is: keep it simple, stupid. Elaborating doesn’t make your lie more believable, it just makes it more likely that you’ll shoot yourself in the foot by saying something moronic. Remember, anything you say can and will be used against you in space court. If these guys even believe in giving a fair trial, which they probably don’t, seeing as they’re supposed to be the bad guys.

Anyway, if someone starts asking questions, give as little as possible. You don’t have to plead the fifth, because let’s be real, most of the time that just makes you seem more shady.

[The doughier of the two nods vigorously in the background, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead and casting a shadow over his face, in an effort to provide an illustrative example.]

And because we’re the nicest people ever, we’re offerin’ our services to all of our Audentes homies, free of charge.

So. You in?

Comments

[moneyballer]

Listen, I know we started off on the wrong foot, and I'm sorry for that, I am, but-

[Here, he takes a deep breath.

Asher isn't entirely sure that he's the best person for this job, either. Leramzen and Woodhurst had been easy, but both fake identities had him playing to his own strengths, taking on personas that were relatively familiar.]

That's not all there is to know about me.

[Or at least, he hopes not.]

Look, maybe I am just a student. But I really believe in all the good we can do here.

Like, if we manage to pull this mission off? Think all of the lives we'd be saving.

[kisha]

"Doing good" is possibly the most creative way I have ever heard your profession described.

[talking two different languages rn... maybe o yea]

[moneyballer]

You don't even know what that is.

[Usually, derision is not where Asher goes when people question his profession. The gap between worlds is familiar enough to him now for him to be patient, but Hayame's cantankerous attitude nips at whatever patience he has left. A teammate so boisterous and immovable is useless for subterfuge, especially without her keeper.]

[kisha]

Your compatriot has made it quite clear how you "lawyers" use your mouths.

You can dress that up all you want, but that is whoring, not espionage.

[moneyballer]

[If there was any sympathy left for her in his heart it is gone now, retracted behind the red in his cheeks and the fury in his eyes. Unfortunately, he is still at her mercy, what with her having the power to crush him beneath her hooves, and that keeps his tongue in its rightful place.]

What are y-

[He can't help but feel pity for the Prince that seemingly holds her reigns. It must be a burden to keep after someone so clearly unworthy of anyone's time or sympathy.]

So that's what you think we do? Jesus Christ, how dumb are you?

Lawyers are dudes and dudettes who practice and interpret the law. As in, the rules that the residents of most countries are supposed to follow?

[Please don't say the next few words with a Serious look on your face-]

I'm not some old rich guy's personal ho.

[kisha]

[She certainly doesn't wear a pleased expression to be called unintelligent by someone like... like this. But more importantly why has she lowered herself to the level of arguing with prostitutes?]

Then perhaps you should consult with your friend, who was all too glad to brag about how well he could use his body to get what he needs!

Get your stories straight!

this is heinous and i advise nobody to read this tag thank u and good night (nsfw??_

[moneyballer]

It's not a story-

[It is too late. Asher's eyes may be level with the camera, but it is clear that he is looking down on her from the steely gaze he casts her way. What will become of her, if her Prince is sent back home? Lost to the ripples of time and space? No one will be left to clean up her messes.]

Sleeping around has nothing to do with my job. Okay? Sure, some people might suck a d or slurp some p for info, but that is illegal.

[The last three words are punctuated.]

Stop trying to pin this on me. Stop acting like everything you do is somebody else's fault!

[kisha]

I am not pinning anything on you.

[That's snarled, because she's pretty sure she never blamed this man for anything or implied he was responsible for her actions.

But she certainly did insult him- though she's pretty sure that was just true.]

If you do not do such things, speak to your partner about how he describes your profession, not me

[moneyballer]

[Asher rolls his eyes at that.]

Well, my partner happens to be a huge asshole.

[He chocks the mistake up to her poor discretion, though he neglects to say so.]

So basically, I'm not responsible for any of the dumb shit he does or says.

[kisha]

Then one of you is a liar- you say it is him?

[And for that matter, who the hell would lie about sucking cock for protection?]

[moneyballer]

[That is a tricky questions. They are both liars, not necessarily by profession or trade, but by nature.

It is, in a way, how they were brought together.]

I'm not lying. Chances are, neither is he.

Then again, you and C-dawg are from totally different worlds, soooo. Somethin' probably got lost in translation, somewhere.

[cue another disgruntled sigh]

I mean, I guess you could technically be a hooker and a lawyer at the same time, but they're two totally different professions.

[Are they?]

And if ya did that, I bet you'd never catch any z's.

[kisha]

There is little I do not understand about the insinuation he made.

[Don't you put this on her!

She's seen her share of cocksucking behind the stables.]

[moneyballer]

[Then it's Connor's fault, which is fair tbh. These kids are always screwing up.]

Again, that isn't what lawyers do. It's not what we're supposed to do, anyway.

[He flips through a notepad in his own hands.]

Screwin' your clients is almost never a good idea.

[kisha]

And the good that comes from claiming to be a whore?

[Because she Really Doesn't Get That.]

[moneyballer]

So, before I even bother to begin to explain that-

[Asher doesn't even look up.]

This about somethin' he said, right? 'Cause that's not the kinda good I was talkin' about.

[kisha]

Of course it is!

[She'd considered him a weakling before, but sexual things certainly hadn't been her idea.]

[sadgay]

[At this point, Connor leans in to share the video feed with Asher, his finger raised as if ready to make a point.]

Okay, first of all-- I've never slept with a client. That's Wes's specialty.

[And Michaela's, but he's not about to throw his best girl under the bus. Conspicuously absent is any denial of screwing evidence out of people.]

Second of all, it's not my fault she confused what I do in my free time for my job. You know what they say about assuming: it makes an ass out of you and me. But mostly you.

[moneyballer]

[Asher backs off from the feed, whispering something that sounds like, "Thought so," though it's likely that only Connor will hear it. This is their beef to resolve, so he will let them finish.]