FruitsParfaitSamurai ✗ [ 2 ] ASSISTANCE FROM THE WORLD'S OKAYEST NOT-DAD

[naturallywavy]

_{[ God, he cannot even remember the last time he addressed the network as a whole, but here is a video of one wavy haired samurai— eyes half opened as he stares into the camera. He seems to be sitting under a tree, and lifts a hand as a greeting. ]}

Yo.
I’m sure all of you have taken a look at what we’re in for next. I know it’s annoying, but crap like this happens sometimes, and it can’t be helped. You think to escape another season and get off scot-free, then something like this… it happens..

_{[ A dramatic pause. ]}
A baby arc.

Look, the best thing to do is just stay calm when this happens. If you get too nervous, you’ll just be throwing up. And we don’t need that— there’s gonna be plenty of baby puke as it is.
I know some of you are gonna mess this up because it’s nothing you’ve ever gone through before. Some of you aren’t fit to be parents and some of you should probably never procreate anyway. Like you’re the leftover putty that God didn’t know what to really do with and there shouldn’t be miniatures of you existing after your death. That’s okay. _{[ he just insulted a bunch of unnamed people casually, brushing it off with a “that’s okay.” ]}

It’s important that we do this mission right. For those people that are stupid when it comes to care—taking, we will be offering our advice and counsel.

_{[ We? Who is the we he is talking about? Out of nowhere, he pulls this thing into the shot. Yeah, the purple haired blow up doll, which was a gift he received from ALASTAIR some months ago. His voice sounds calm and very polite suddenly: ]}

We’ve been happily taking care of children for years if you need help before the mission starts. Thank you, thank you.

Comments

video ; [ironman]

[hyperverbose]

[ tony's been reading - and rereading - the dossier over here, which is far and away from what his expectations were regarding missions after their little peptalk. but how hard can it be, right?

not important right now, anyway. he flips on his device because he feels the need to comment on your little uh, instructional aid. ]

Hate to break it you, pal, but I don't think she's rated E for everyone.

Won't someone think of the bubble children.

[naturallywavy]

She is, though. She can be used for a flotation device if you don't know how to swim. We broadcast during prime time. There's ways to get past the PTA and we push the envelopes to do that for the sake of comedy.

Ahh, see. Change the terminology, and it's okay— see— it's okay.
If you have nothing nice to say to me and my flotation device— it's foreign— maybe you shouldn't say anything at all.

_{[ His tone is just as flat and sarcastic as Tony's. They'll get along great. ]}

[hyperverbose]

This isn't one of those things like where a guy falls in love with a Japanese body pillow, is it? [ just checking ]

1.2

[naturallywavy]

Eh, what? What are you talking about? It's nothing like that at all. My E-for-everybody flotation device and I care for each other very much, but it's nothing like that.

_{[ Gintoki wraps his arms tightly around her for emphasis, but then he squeezes a little bit too hard.. ]}

2.2

[naturallywavy]

_{[ And she pops. There she goes.
Somebody like Tony Stark might have caught on he did that on purpose, but who knows. ]}

[hyperverbose]

[ he arches an eyebrow at that, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. not ... trying very hard, honestly. ] Well, good thing, because that might have been tragic.

[naturallywavy]

<sub>[ Tell me about it. He sees one of his underlings fall for 2D girls everyday— thank goodness his is just here for a sake of an ongoing gag.
Well, he recognizes she's probably served her purpose. Maybe she'll make a nice picnic tarp or something from now on.

Anyway, he seems to be..?? folding her up. Bye Felicia. ]</sub>

Guess that means you don't have one for yourself, huh.
That's exactly why maybe you should take some of my advice.

_{[ As strange as he seems, Gintoki takes care of two kids back home. They're not his by blood, but family is family to him, regardless what their background. One of them was an alien, actually. ]}

[hyperverbose]

[ ouch. don't you dare make him think about his own noticeable lack of partner, whether inflatable or not. ]

Alright, Bigshot, let's hear some of this sage voice of experience.

[naturallywavy]

_{[ it's ok, Gintoki knows what it's like to be an old bachelor.. even if he is considerably younger than you. ]}

First thing is first, don't put the baby in the oven.
_{[ he's joking, joking, but he's so stoic when he says this, it's kind of amusing. ]}

It'll catch the oven on fire.
_{[ IT'S THE OVEN HE IS WORRIED ABOUT. ]}

[hyperverbose]

[ THEY'RE JUST ON A BREAK. DOESN'T COUNT. ]

And there go all my plans for roast squidge.

[naturallywavy]

Yeah, I know, it sucks, but what can you do.

Best thing you gotta do is keep your eye on them at all times. Hey, just when you think you're safe.. you're not.
_{[ what kind of children has he been watching back home? ]}

[hyperverbose]

Are we talking about keeping the kids safe now, or the caretakers? Are you planning on raising Chucky?

[naturallywavy]

The kid I'm used to make Ch*cky seem like a chew-toy.
_{[ his girl is apart of the strongest alien race in the universe and she's kind of spoiled. ]}

[hyperverbose]

You must be so eager to get home.

[naturallywavy]

_{[ you know. fuck this guy cause he's absolutely right.
not like Gintoki is going to so easily admit that, nope. Nobody needs to know he is worried for his friends back home. ]}

Yeah.
I miss soft serve and pachinko.
There's also a dirty magazine with my name _{[ and probably something else ]} on it.

But mainly soft serve. That's what I want.

[hyperverbose]

Seems a simple enough request. They had curly fries at the party when I got here. I can't imagine they can't replicate Haagen Dazs.

[naturallywavy]

_{[ finally.. somebody who thinks like him. It is a simple request, thank you. He just needs to keep his sugar levels monitored and maybe that'll make him less cranky. ]}

That's exactly what I'm thinking.
Hey, oi. Where's my Wcdonald's?

_{[ it's true, Gintoki gorged himself on sweets and desserts at the party, but.. this guy is obviously new and Gintoki has been here since the very first mission they all went on.. which also went horribly. He knows a party isn't always waiting for them. ]}

They don't usually supply those necessities, you know. It's a pain— all of it.

[hyperverbose]

So what was the occasion? [ besides the party not starting til he walked in ]

[naturallywavy]

_{[ they really don't tell you much, do they? ]}

We got back from our other mission, oi. Don't you pay attention? They finally decided to shed some light on this place too. Not sure what we did to get that information, but...

Last time we were brought here, it was in destruction.
Turns out it was just ALASTAIR messing with us— a "training" scenario.
Yeah, sure. A training scenario where it involved fire raining from the skies. It wasn't anything like M*rio Brothers or anything cool like that.

_{[ because he's rather sit on his ass and play Bentendo products instead of running from fire rain any day. ]}

[hyperverbose]

[ interesting. so up until then they'd been in the dark about all that exposition that he'd walked in on. ]

Maybe they weren't sure this whole outfit was going to work out, and they didn't want to waste their breath until they knew what you could do. [ lord knows there was plenty fury didn't tell them when they first formed the avengers. ]

[naturallywavy]

Maybe they're just idiots and I don't trust them.
That's another thing. I don't know who to complain to about all of this— demand compensation, all of that crap. It's a pain.
_{[ He hasn't met anybody in "charge." They won't say who is in "charge." ]}

[hyperverbose]

Nice way for them to avoid responsibility.

[naturallywavy]

Yeah, tell me about it.
It's a nice tactic. Maybe I'll use it next time.

_{[ ok he's a lazy motherfucker to be quite honest so it's kind of hypocritical. ]}

[hyperverbose]

Good luck with that.

[naturallywavy]

Thanks. I need all the luck I can get since my wife isn't here to wish me it anymore.
_{[ may she rest in peace... ]}

—Why do you think ALASTAIR wanted you here?
_{[ because he's never seen this guy before.
he's so.
American. ]}