FruitsParfaitSamurai ✗ [ 2 ] ASSISTANCE FROM THE WORLD'S OKAYEST NOT-DAD

[naturallywavy]

_{[ God, he cannot even remember the last time he addressed the network as a whole, but here is a video of one wavy haired samurai— eyes half opened as he stares into the camera. He seems to be sitting under a tree, and lifts a hand as a greeting. ]}

Yo.
I’m sure all of you have taken a look at what we’re in for next. I know it’s annoying, but crap like this happens sometimes, and it can’t be helped. You think to escape another season and get off scot-free, then something like this… it happens..

_{[ A dramatic pause. ]}
A baby arc.

Look, the best thing to do is just stay calm when this happens. If you get too nervous, you’ll just be throwing up. And we don’t need that— there’s gonna be plenty of baby puke as it is.
I know some of you are gonna mess this up because it’s nothing you’ve ever gone through before. Some of you aren’t fit to be parents and some of you should probably never procreate anyway. Like you’re the leftover putty that God didn’t know what to really do with and there shouldn’t be miniatures of you existing after your death. That’s okay. _{[ he just insulted a bunch of unnamed people casually, brushing it off with a “that’s okay.” ]}

It’s important that we do this mission right. For those people that are stupid when it comes to care—taking, we will be offering our advice and counsel.

_{[ We? Who is the we he is talking about? Out of nowhere, he pulls this thing into the shot. Yeah, the purple haired blow up doll, which was a gift he received from ALASTAIR some months ago. His voice sounds calm and very polite suddenly: ]}

We’ve been happily taking care of children for years if you need help before the mission starts. Thank you, thank you.

Comments

video; un: saber

[invisiblade]

[ s q u i n t s ]

Surely you jest...

[he cannot be serious..... the idea of following care-taking advice from Gintoki is about as sensible as jumping off a bridge because some smelly homeless man suggested it.]

[naturallywavy]

_{[ boy howdy, he hasn't spoken to you in awhile.
Gintoki tugs the blow up doll closer to his body— protectively— as if it was his own actual wife. ]}

Ah.
_{Don't listen to her, honey. She's just jealous.}

Well, well. Didn't think you'd be interested.
_{[ Saber's gotta be interested, otherwise she wouldn't have replied, right? ]}

video; [KINGOFHEROES]

[babbylon]

[ s q u i n t s ]

Huh? Is that a doll...?

[Maybe it's better not to answer that, Gin. Someone's looking awfully small—and by extension, too innocent for this conversation—all of a sudden.]

[naturallywavy]

<sub>[ oh boy, oh booooy. response from "King of Heroes." Golly gee, he hasn't heard from you much either.
Gintoki braces himself for some painful, arrogant monologue and is already trying to think up some clever retort, but then the picture he sees on the screen is ...

Not Gilgamesh. Well, it is, but it isn't. Weird shit happens, Gintoki knows, since he's from a rather bizarre world. However, Gilgamesh probably sees his face of confusion for just a split moment, eyes wide. ]</sub>

Oi! What is this? _{[ WHAT IS THIS. ]} You're not supposed to be cute!
_{[ where did the asshole go bring him back he doesn't want this shota shit. not like he'd actually say something like that for the record. ]}

You're supposed to be old, not any of this B*ku no P*co crap!

1/2 - video.

[digophelia]

Mister Gin.

[ So good to see his face again and of course Alice is looking for him, eager to rejoin him as quickly as possible. Unlike Saber, she thinks he'd be an excellent caretaker. ]

I think you would be capable of sound advice, but-

[digophelia]

Is that a doll?

[ What in the fresh hell. ]

video; un; CAPTAIN

[nishishi]

You're making a pretty big deal outta nothing, you know. It's just like raising a pet, right.
...
Aah, your friend is looking a little flat, too.

[naturallywavy]

<sub>[ you know, he was enjoying his time here as the only JUMP protagonist. He really was. He was having a slight identity crisis when people wouldn't play along with his 4th walling shenanigans, or not recognize how he's been published in 61 volumes of manga. It's whatever.
But now that you're here, it's only going to make matters worse.

Keep calm, Gintoki. You've seen Law, and you saw Ace even though you didn't talk to him. It's just the main character of the most successful JUMP series. Right then and there, talking to you. No big deal. ]</sub>

Some people don't know how to raise anything but the organ between their legs. They gotta know this stuff, you know.
Don't say that about her. She paid a lot of money to get her perfect figure, you ass.

video ; [ironman]

[hyperverbose]

[ tony's been reading - and rereading - the dossier over here, which is far and away from what his expectations were regarding missions after their little peptalk. but how hard can it be, right?

not important right now, anyway. he flips on his device because he feels the need to comment on your little uh, instructional aid. ]

Hate to break it you, pal, but I don't think she's rated E for everyone.

Won't someone think of the bubble children.

[naturallywavy]

She is, though. She can be used for a flotation device if you don't know how to swim. We broadcast during prime time. There's ways to get past the PTA and we push the envelopes to do that for the sake of comedy.

Ahh, see. Change the terminology, and it's okay— see— it's okay.
If you have nothing nice to say to me and my flotation device— it's foreign— maybe you shouldn't say anything at all.

_{[ His tone is just as flat and sarcastic as Tony's. They'll get along great. ]}

video: un: swan

[sheriffing]

Wait, what?

[No, seriously. What She's watched the feed and waited for this to make sense and all she's getting is that a doll is being trusted for parenting advice.]

[naturallywavy]

_{[ real time people like you just don't get the anime kind of humor, do you? ]}

Ah, what? Did I not make myself clear?
We've been happily married for years and have raised plenty of children together. If you need some counseling before this mission, please let us know, thank you.

video | username: cheap steaks

[trenchdoting]

Oh hey! It's you!! But... I don't think I met your friend there.

[It actually make him feel very unsure, and he scratches at his head uncertainly.]

...Do you really have a lot of experience with this kinda thing?

[He's already worried that he'll mess up. As odd as this guy seems, if he can help...]

[naturallywavy]

My friend is ... _{[ Oh god, she needs a name. SWEATS. ]}
Bulma— ah, no— it's Chichi.

_{[ He cradles the doll in his lap before throwing his arms over it, practically mushing her between his arms and abdomen. She could pop any second, honestly, but the blank look on his face shows he doesn't really care. ]}

Oi. Did I stutter? That's what I said.

[Video | un: tsukuyo]

[sekimorinashi]

I think you should probably stop while you're ahead.

[ WHAT ARE YOU DOING. ]

[naturallywavy]

Hah, hah! Look at that. Jealousy— it's jealousy!
_{[ A pause as he points at the screen. Then, to his "companion:" ]}

Don't worry, dear, I don't fall for girls who can't hold their liquor. You have nothing to worry about— she was nothing but a forbidden romance back in our high school days..!
_{[ Gintoki, no. NO. ]}

video ; un: PARTY

[wardance]

...The hell is this? [ this post?? WTF????

And, then, he's squinting at the blowup doll by the end, looking a little... worried in his confusion. ]

—And what the hell is that?

[naturallywavy]

_{[ By the time Masamune replies, Gintoki has the doll draped over his face, hardly paying attention to the feed anymore. Then he hears his friends voice and lofts up the doll, peering at it. ]}

Man, are you always this rude to strangers? Not of us are rich enough to be this rude, Masamune-kun.
I didn't say this about your horse. What if I said that about your horse, eh— bastard..!?

video | username: olivia

[winces]

[ why this... ]

You two must be very happy together.

im laugh ing so hard

[naturallywavy]

_{[ FUCK. IS SHE SERIOUS?? SHE'S UPSET!! NOO!
Gintoki just THROWS the doll out of the picture. ]}

Ehh? EHHH? What? You mean me and what? Me and who? Olivia-saaaan, you're delusional. All that I have here is me and my.. E-for-everybody-friendly flotation device.
_{[ thanks Tony Stark. ]}

video | un: yukimura

[dairekka]

[Even Yukimura looks unimpressed. Good job, Gin.]

You didn't invite us to your marital ceremony.

[naturallywavy]

_{[ Sure, he'll play along. ]}

Inviting more people to a ceremony meant less cake for me.
Of course I didn't.

_{[ he says this as if it makes complete sense. ]}

voice | un: mayora

[mayora13]

[The moment Hijikata sees Gintoki's face he knows this is gonna be dumb.

In that regard, odd jobs doesn't disappoint. In every OTHER regard, however...]

PUT THAT THING AWAY!!! [He yells into the device so loud it fizzles. If you're trying to give a good impression for child-rearing, holding a blow up doll is the absolute opposite of that!! It doesn't make you look more trustworthy at all!]

I wouldn't listen to a single damn suggestion from you! No one should! You can't even keep your employees fed, who the hell would trust you with a baby!? [Yes he's aware of the baby arc, he's aware you did well. But miracles seldom repeat themselves.]

[naturallywavy]

_{[ god bless Hijikata. Gintoki knew he could count on you to properly tsukkomi with Shinpachi gone.
Gintoki shrieks, covering the doll's eyes with his hands. In a frightened tone, he comforts her: ]}

Shh, shh, honey. Don't listen to him. His brain had malfunctioned from too many calories. He doesn't mean anything like that! He's just hysterical ever since his accident!

_{[ then, to Hijikata: ]}
Oooooi! This is not how you speak to a lady! This is why you can't get a date, bastard! Go on the internet and buy some manners, idiot!
_{[ but a blow up doll is what you use when you can't get a date— ok you know what, nevermind. He's treating it like an actual person just to grate on Hijikata's nerves. ]}

audio; UN: marine01

[soru]

[ this feels like it should be illegal.

so illegal. ]

I fail to see what kind of help any of this could possibly provide.

[naturallywavy]

<sub>[ the average person might see a sweet little, pink haired bean on the other side of the device but Gintoki just sees.. glasses. That's it. They're just chilling there.

In disbelief, he responds: ]</sub>

S—Shinpachi-kun..? Ah, are those new temples? Are you going with a new age look the Amanto are all about now? God, I didn't think you'd be that desperate for a date to change so much about you.

video; un: Prince

[diablejambe]

[Sanji's put some prep work into this reply.

Namely, he's placed his jewelry somewhere he can perfectly capture himself from head to toe, and he's managed to find a box. A box at about knee height that he's now stamping a foot down on top of, hands in his pockets as he scowls around his cigarette, sending a glare at the transmitting jewel.]

Oi, you bastard. What the hell do you think you're doing, waving that where people can see?!

[There are ladies responding to this post!! Beautiful ladies whose eyes you are sullying with your... your... perversion!!!!

For shame, Gintoki. For shame.]

[naturallywavy]

<sub>[ Was it an invasion? Is this exactly how you guys won the hearts of Japan— a sneak attack like this? Why did you come out nowhere? He was fine being the only JUMP character here— now they're outnumbered.

He guesses the only thing left to do at some point is to have a popularity poll to figure it out.

He probably has heard Sanji loud and clear, but has chose to ignore him, because it looks like one of Chichi's (we decided on a name) tits have deflated. So, Sanji probably enters the conversation during an even more perverse time as Gintoki is groping a flat breast in attempt to somehow make her look perky again. Looks like she got a small hole in her chest, oh no!

Finally, he looks over at his watch that is propped up on a rock. ]</sub>

Ehhh, what?

audio | un: hound

[ofobedience]

[He may well be included in that nebulous group of insulted individuals, but that doesn't seem to phase him. His voice is dry and unamused, but it seems to apply more to the situation than anything this person may have said.]

Perhaps you ought to take mine, when the time comes. I don't want it.

[naturallywavy]

<sub>[ Gintoki thinks about this for awhile. Was that even allowed? He isn't sure, but he didn't know he was responsible enough to actually take care of multiples of these.. children things.

he's curious, though: ]</sub>

Eh? What's with that response? Had a bad experience with kids? You gotta look past that one terrible diaper experience and press on, man.

video | un: navigator

[weatherscience]

[ ...







Is there suddenly a tumbleweed rolling behind her in the video feed?? along with that almost heavy silence that has descended on her, giving more weight to the way her hands are propped on her hips, her ALASTAIR coat hanging open, revealing a set of much better-fitting bikini than what Gin's unfortunate... friend possesses.

Nami stares.

And stares. ]

... are you an idiot?

video | un: tsukuyo

[sekimorinashi]

Yes.

[ Hello, you seem sane. Always pretty refreshing. ]

Just ignore him. Don't encourage it by givin' him attention.