FruitsParfaitSamurai ✗ [ 2 ] ASSISTANCE FROM THE WORLD'S OKAYEST NOT-DAD

[naturallywavy]

_{[ God, he cannot even remember the last time he addressed the network as a whole, but here is a video of one wavy haired samurai— eyes half opened as he stares into the camera. He seems to be sitting under a tree, and lifts a hand as a greeting. ]}

Yo.
I’m sure all of you have taken a look at what we’re in for next. I know it’s annoying, but crap like this happens sometimes, and it can’t be helped. You think to escape another season and get off scot-free, then something like this… it happens..

_{[ A dramatic pause. ]}
A baby arc.

Look, the best thing to do is just stay calm when this happens. If you get too nervous, you’ll just be throwing up. And we don’t need that— there’s gonna be plenty of baby puke as it is.
I know some of you are gonna mess this up because it’s nothing you’ve ever gone through before. Some of you aren’t fit to be parents and some of you should probably never procreate anyway. Like you’re the leftover putty that God didn’t know what to really do with and there shouldn’t be miniatures of you existing after your death. That’s okay. _{[ he just insulted a bunch of unnamed people casually, brushing it off with a “that’s okay.” ]}

It’s important that we do this mission right. For those people that are stupid when it comes to care—taking, we will be offering our advice and counsel.

_{[ We? Who is the we he is talking about? Out of nowhere, he pulls this thing into the shot. Yeah, the purple haired blow up doll, which was a gift he received from ALASTAIR some months ago. His voice sounds calm and very polite suddenly: ]}

We’ve been happily taking care of children for years if you need help before the mission starts. Thank you, thank you.

Comments

[hyperverbose]

Seems a simple enough request. They had curly fries at the party when I got here. I can't imagine they can't replicate Haagen Dazs.

[naturallywavy]

_{[ finally.. somebody who thinks like him. It is a simple request, thank you. He just needs to keep his sugar levels monitored and maybe that'll make him less cranky. ]}

That's exactly what I'm thinking.
Hey, oi. Where's my Wcdonald's?

_{[ it's true, Gintoki gorged himself on sweets and desserts at the party, but.. this guy is obviously new and Gintoki has been here since the very first mission they all went on.. which also went horribly. He knows a party isn't always waiting for them. ]}

They don't usually supply those necessities, you know. It's a pain— all of it.

[hyperverbose]

So what was the occasion? [ besides the party not starting til he walked in ]

[naturallywavy]

_{[ they really don't tell you much, do they? ]}

We got back from our other mission, oi. Don't you pay attention? They finally decided to shed some light on this place too. Not sure what we did to get that information, but...

Last time we were brought here, it was in destruction.
Turns out it was just ALASTAIR messing with us— a "training" scenario.
Yeah, sure. A training scenario where it involved fire raining from the skies. It wasn't anything like M*rio Brothers or anything cool like that.

_{[ because he's rather sit on his ass and play Bentendo products instead of running from fire rain any day. ]}

[hyperverbose]

[ interesting. so up until then they'd been in the dark about all that exposition that he'd walked in on. ]

Maybe they weren't sure this whole outfit was going to work out, and they didn't want to waste their breath until they knew what you could do. [ lord knows there was plenty fury didn't tell them when they first formed the avengers. ]

[naturallywavy]

Maybe they're just idiots and I don't trust them.
That's another thing. I don't know who to complain to about all of this— demand compensation, all of that crap. It's a pain.
_{[ He hasn't met anybody in "charge." They won't say who is in "charge." ]}

[hyperverbose]

Nice way for them to avoid responsibility.

[naturallywavy]

Yeah, tell me about it.
It's a nice tactic. Maybe I'll use it next time.

_{[ ok he's a lazy motherfucker to be quite honest so it's kind of hypocritical. ]}

[hyperverbose]

Good luck with that.

[naturallywavy]

Thanks. I need all the luck I can get since my wife isn't here to wish me it anymore.
_{[ may she rest in peace... ]}

—Why do you think ALASTAIR wanted you here?
_{[ because he's never seen this guy before.
he's so.
American. ]}

[hyperverbose]

You mean besides being a certified genius, inventor, and professional world saver?

It might have been for my looks.

[naturallywavy]

_{[ oh, you're one of those. ]}

Must've been.
Glad ALASTAIR is setting their priorities straight with their recruits.

[hyperverbose]

[ he is their king. ]

I noticed that some of the current residents aren't exactly... cream of the crop.

[naturallywavy]

Yeah, and some of them are ugly too.
_{[ going back to the good looks thing, because he loves insulting people. ]}

The people recruiting some of us must be really slacking on their job. Maybe they need a vacation, or something.
_{[ glad to have somebody competent like you around for a change. ]}

[hyperverbose]

When we make it back from Zoltron-5, I'm going to tell Lloyd he needs to come out for a drink.

[naturallywavy]

Lloyd-san probably also needs some money for a really good lay too so it'll help with the shitty job he's been doing lately.
_{[ yeah.. let's blame it all on the personnel resources guy, sure why not. ]}

[hyperverbose]

Sounds like a win-win for everyone involved.