VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

voice; un:unknownrealms

[headlining]

[what in the LORD]

...Are you even speaking English?

VIDEO

[moneyballer]

[guess what stupid American has trouble understanding english/scottish accents home skillet brisket, also the interference is nut helping]

...Are you?

[He looks genuinely dumbfounded.]

[headlining]

[There's a long pause. Wow. WOW. HE'S IRISH, YOU FOOL.]

Yes? What do you think I'm speaking, Taiwanese?

[moneyballer]

No, but you sound kinda weird.

Where are you from? Like... Germany?

[ASHER HE IS STILL SPEAKING ENGLISH]

[headlining]

[If he was on video now, he'd be giving Asher the flattest look.]

Try again.

[moneyballer]

Oh! Wait! No, I got it-

[Asher looks excited, gesturing wildly, like a child. He pounds one fist into the palm of his other hand.]

Australia! That's gotta be it.

[And then, complete with a douchey smile and a cocky headtilt:]

G'day, mate.

[headlining]

[ASHER NO]

That's not...that's not even in the right corner of the globe, you nitwit!

[moneyballer]

No way.

[Muttered in disbelief.]

No way! You can't be Asian. You're eyes are like-

[He almost gestures to the shape of his own eyes... Thankfully, he stops himself before he can saying anything too racist cringeworthy.]

Um. Green?

[headlining]

[I'll just pretend Keats turned on video at some point because he's that surprised and also ASHER, NO.]

[In the most deadpan tone in the world:]

...I wonder what it must be like, living with so few brain cells. Must be nice.

[moneyballer]

Excuse me, four eyes?

[You're not wrong, Keats.

Those words brush upon a sore spot, somewhere deep inside. Asher knows that Annalise didn't chose him for any special talent or quality, despite all his hard work to succeed-]

Who pissed in your brewski today, huh?

[Clearly, the other man has ruffled more than a few feathers.]

You wanna go?

[n O ASHER

U DONT WANNA FIGHT ANYBODY WITH SUPER POWERS NO!!!!]

[headlining]

Are you really going to fight me after a jab at your intelligence? My, what a temper.

[Tsk tsk, Asher!]

And if you really want to know, it's Ireland. I'm sure hope you know enough geography to know where that's located.

[moneyballer]

Well, you look like you'd go down easily.

[Asher scoffs, jutting his shoulders forward to look intimidating. He opens his mouth unnecessarily, sticking his tongue out as if to taunt.]

Ireland? Yeah! Yeah, I know where that is.

It's all green and shit, right? With the leprechauns?

[americans

they r all fucking terrible at geography, amirite]

[headlining]

Don't judge a book by its cover, did your mother never tell you that?

[Keats' expression immediately sours.]

Ah, of course. You only know of those stereotypes. Typical, for an American. What's next, you're going to tell me about the bald eagles you all own?

1/?

[moneyballer]

[his family is so rich they may just own at least one]

2/2

[moneyballer]

Pfffffft, tch!

No. Hell no!

[guess who's gonna play this off like it isn't a real thing]

And it's not like us Americans walk around eating burgers all the time! I mean, c'mon.

[He opens his hands up as if he's explaining something important. To be fair, he's really not.]

You'd die.

[headlining]

Oh, really? Then you must stuff yourself with...what are those called? French fries? Don't you have fast food places at every corner?

[Just smirking LIKE A REAL JERK]

I've never been to America, but I think I've read enough about it to know exactly what it's all about.

[moneyballer]

Okay, but have you ever actually had a french fry? I mean, those things are good, okay.

Um, I'm preeeetty sure a nerd like you would know that's not how it works, bro. I mean! Yeah, sure, you can read a bunch of books about a place but it's not like actually going there yourself.

[who is the dumb one now

spoilers: it's both of u]

[headlining]

So what? It seems like a waste of time to me. No food is that good enough to absolutely ruin your health over. Those things are salt bombs, if I've heard correctly.

[HE'S BEEN STUCK IN A MAGICAL OFFICE FOR TEN YEARS CUT HIM SOME SLACK]

[moneyballer]

[Wait, that sounds weird.

Asher raises a brow skeptically.]

Everything in moderation, breh.

[breh???? bruh????? broom??????]

C'mon, man. Everyone loves themselves a little junk and not just in the trunk, if you know what I'm sayin'?

[no, no, nobody does]

You've gotta have one favorite unhealthy thing. Like, a snack! Or a drink, or something sweet.

Name it.

[headlining]

Breh?

[excuse you?? what is he even saying]

[And he considers that for a moment, before letting out a short laugh.]

Well, I guess alcohol is a vice of mine. There's nothing like a good drink after work.

[moneyballer]

See! That's somethin'.

[Despite the fairly unpleasant chat they were having, Asher finds no difficulty switching this conversation to something lighter, friendly, even.]

You got a favorite drink? I heard they've got a mean selection of brewskis up there.

[In Ireland, he means.]

[headlining]

I'm rather partial to ale. The local pub near my office has a good selection of it, so I go when I can.

[He's no alcoholic - drinking is just part of the social experience... except he actually has no friends and probably has too many fake memories of drinking together with "coworkers" that never existed.]

[moneyballer]

[Uttered quickly, as if he's given it zero thought:]

You go out?

Like, outside?

[asHER......................]

Where there are people?

[headlining]

[ASHER NO]

No, I go to the bar that's built right inside my apartment. [A beat.] What do you think, of course it's outside, you idiot!

[moneyballer]

[...In the nicest voice he can possibly muster:]

You don't strike me as a people person.

[His nose is wrinkling. This is very difficult.]