VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[moneyballer]

Excuse me, four eyes?

[You're not wrong, Keats.

Those words brush upon a sore spot, somewhere deep inside. Asher knows that Annalise didn't chose him for any special talent or quality, despite all his hard work to succeed-]

Who pissed in your brewski today, huh?

[Clearly, the other man has ruffled more than a few feathers.]

You wanna go?

[n O ASHER

U DONT WANNA FIGHT ANYBODY WITH SUPER POWERS NO!!!!]

[headlining]

Are you really going to fight me after a jab at your intelligence? My, what a temper.

[Tsk tsk, Asher!]

And if you really want to know, it's Ireland. I'm sure hope you know enough geography to know where that's located.

[moneyballer]

Well, you look like you'd go down easily.

[Asher scoffs, jutting his shoulders forward to look intimidating. He opens his mouth unnecessarily, sticking his tongue out as if to taunt.]

Ireland? Yeah! Yeah, I know where that is.

It's all green and shit, right? With the leprechauns?

[americans

they r all fucking terrible at geography, amirite]

[headlining]

Don't judge a book by its cover, did your mother never tell you that?

[Keats' expression immediately sours.]

Ah, of course. You only know of those stereotypes. Typical, for an American. What's next, you're going to tell me about the bald eagles you all own?

1/?

[moneyballer]

[his family is so rich they may just own at least one]

2/2

[moneyballer]

Pfffffft, tch!

No. Hell no!

[guess who's gonna play this off like it isn't a real thing]

And it's not like us Americans walk around eating burgers all the time! I mean, c'mon.

[He opens his hands up as if he's explaining something important. To be fair, he's really not.]

You'd die.

[headlining]

Oh, really? Then you must stuff yourself with...what are those called? French fries? Don't you have fast food places at every corner?

[Just smirking LIKE A REAL JERK]

I've never been to America, but I think I've read enough about it to know exactly what it's all about.

[moneyballer]

Okay, but have you ever actually had a french fry? I mean, those things are good, okay.

Um, I'm preeeetty sure a nerd like you would know that's not how it works, bro. I mean! Yeah, sure, you can read a bunch of books about a place but it's not like actually going there yourself.

[who is the dumb one now

spoilers: it's both of u]

[headlining]

So what? It seems like a waste of time to me. No food is that good enough to absolutely ruin your health over. Those things are salt bombs, if I've heard correctly.

[HE'S BEEN STUCK IN A MAGICAL OFFICE FOR TEN YEARS CUT HIM SOME SLACK]

[moneyballer]

[Wait, that sounds weird.

Asher raises a brow skeptically.]

Everything in moderation, breh.

[breh???? bruh????? broom??????]

C'mon, man. Everyone loves themselves a little junk and not just in the trunk, if you know what I'm sayin'?

[no, no, nobody does]

You've gotta have one favorite unhealthy thing. Like, a snack! Or a drink, or something sweet.

Name it.

[headlining]

Breh?

[excuse you?? what is he even saying]

[And he considers that for a moment, before letting out a short laugh.]

Well, I guess alcohol is a vice of mine. There's nothing like a good drink after work.

[moneyballer]

See! That's somethin'.

[Despite the fairly unpleasant chat they were having, Asher finds no difficulty switching this conversation to something lighter, friendly, even.]

You got a favorite drink? I heard they've got a mean selection of brewskis up there.

[In Ireland, he means.]

[headlining]

I'm rather partial to ale. The local pub near my office has a good selection of it, so I go when I can.

[He's no alcoholic - drinking is just part of the social experience... except he actually has no friends and probably has too many fake memories of drinking together with "coworkers" that never existed.]

[moneyballer]

[Uttered quickly, as if he's given it zero thought:]

You go out?

Like, outside?

[asHER......................]

Where there are people?

[headlining]

[ASHER NO]

No, I go to the bar that's built right inside my apartment. [A beat.] What do you think, of course it's outside, you idiot!

[moneyballer]

[...In the nicest voice he can possibly muster:]

You don't strike me as a people person.

[His nose is wrinkling. This is very difficult.]

[headlining]

You can't always judge a book by it's cover. [Or it's attitude.] Honestly, I appreciate being around people...well, every once in a while.

[moneyballer]

[For some reason, Asher finds himself smiling at that.]

Just a few?

[Asher is well-aware that Keats is probably not going to gravitate towards him of all people, but those words are reassuring. It's better to like a few people than none at all- You'll be happier that way.]

You don't really like most of 'em, huh. People! People, I mean.

[headlining]

[He lets out a short laugh.]

Well, the majority of them, yes. But sometimes there are a few diamonds in the rough, so really, they're not all that bad.

[moneyballer]

[Asher wrinkles his nose at that, more out of curiosity than any kind of disgust or purely negative emotion. So! He doesn't hate everyone. Maybe Keats is just the cranky, snooty sort.

He says nothing about it now, but he wants very badly to mean something to this person, to all of his teammates.

To be in a special, elite group of people, on his own merit for once...]

Huh!

I guess there's hope for ya after all, beardo.

[headlining]

Ah, thanks - wait, what? Beardo?

[IT'S NOT EVEN A BEARD]

[moneyballer]

Yeah.

[Asher cocks his head to the side and lifts an eyebrow simultaneously. It's clear from his playful expression that, despite the nature of their initial exchange, he doesn't mean any harm by what he's about to say.

Gesturing to his own chin, he continues.]

Beardo! 'Cause, y'know.

You got a beard.

[headlining]

I have a name. It's Keats.

[He lets out a sigh, though he doesn't look all that offended.]

Besides, it's a goatee, and I haven't had the chance to shave.

[He says, as if he doesn't know he's had this scruff on a permanent basis for the last ten years.]

[moneyballer]

[His face contorts significantly, nose wrinkling yet again. Asher's voice drips with disdain.]

Ugh.

[guess who doesn't dig facial hair]

Even worse.

[headlining]

How is that bad? [He quirks an eyebrow.] What do you have against facial hair?