king "#1 shitposter" gilgamesh (
babbylon) wrote in
futurology2016-03-10 11:08 pm
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video; [KINGOFHEROES]
[Greetings and salutations, comrades of ALASTAIR! The face of a handsome young man opens the feed today, smiling wide and surrounded by lions on his bed. Yes, that's right, lions. Shishi, his mount, sits in the background, with his mate nestled nearby. And atop him, crawling across his legs, over his shoulders, even rubbing at his face, are cubs, golden and white and feisty. They growl and chirp at the jewelry floating just a few feet away, and a particularly brave one bats at it.
Their parents, as well as Gilgamesh himself, look appropriately proud.]
Good day. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting me before, I am Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, and your resident lion tamer. I bred them as a hobby, back in my native Uruk, and so I have once again come into possession of several cubs.
[The cubs themselves appear no more than six weeks old. Gilgamesh has to shift a little to accommodate them, as they are absolutely intent on making the broadcast difficult by shoving their little furry bodies everywhere. Not that it bothers him much—he's laughing under his breath.]
They have all been weaned from their mother and thus are ready for distribution. Alas, I cannot keep so many for myself; I aim to find good homes for them among you all. I do ask you bear in mind these are wild animals at heart, requiring a great degree of time and attention to train.
[Though you'd never know it, seeming so harmless, so adorable.. After a time, Gilgamesh surrenders, and gets swallowed up by their insistent pawing.]
They are not... just... housecats to sit on a shelf and... w-wait, do not touch it...!
[The necklace goes flying down the hall as a mischievous cub bounds after it. Gilgamesh will snatch it back... eventually.]
(( All lions have now found loving homes! Thanks for the interest, everyone! ))
Their parents, as well as Gilgamesh himself, look appropriately proud.]
Good day. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting me before, I am Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, and your resident lion tamer. I bred them as a hobby, back in my native Uruk, and so I have once again come into possession of several cubs.
[The cubs themselves appear no more than six weeks old. Gilgamesh has to shift a little to accommodate them, as they are absolutely intent on making the broadcast difficult by shoving their little furry bodies everywhere. Not that it bothers him much—he's laughing under his breath.]
They have all been weaned from their mother and thus are ready for distribution. Alas, I cannot keep so many for myself; I aim to find good homes for them among you all. I do ask you bear in mind these are wild animals at heart, requiring a great degree of time and attention to train.
[Though you'd never know it, seeming so harmless, so adorable.. After a time, Gilgamesh surrenders, and gets swallowed up by their insistent pawing.]
They are not... just... housecats to sit on a shelf and... w-wait, do not touch it...!
[The necklace goes flying down the hall as a mischievous cub bounds after it. Gilgamesh will snatch it back... eventually.]
(( All lions have now found loving homes! Thanks for the interest, everyone! ))
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[Forgive him, Papyrus. He honestly doesn't mean insult by it, he just doesn't get it.]
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Oh, yes, I've heard about this! Humans have made up many stories about skeletons in the time we were Underground! I've never heard "Herald of Death and Decay" before but what a cool title!! I prefer just "Great" though. It's simple, but makes a statement!
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What are skeletons truly like, then?
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The only skeletons I know are myself and my brother, but if I had to summarize what skeletons are like...
We're friendly! And cuddly! Like all other Monsters, we're made of magic, love, hope, and compassion!
[this is some disney-level bullshit.]
Does this help?
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I'm afraid I cannot permit one of these animals to enter your permanent care, but...
[He's going to regret this, he's definitely going to regret this.]
You may come and spend some time with them if you'd like, so long as you are gentle.
[Plus, he has to admit, he's a little curious what Papyrus looks like in person.]
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[He wasn't asking to take care of one, because he knows he probably wouldn't be the best caretaker of a pet when he already has Sans to take care of... BUT!!]
I WOULD LOVE TO!!! Don't worry!! I'm always very gentle!!
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I am just down the hall. Look for the open door and the drapes of gold.
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Okay!!
[And, distantly, the sound of bones jangling around can be heard quickly approaching.]
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Of course he has many, many questions, but first and foremost, he greets Papyrus with a smile.]
Aren't you lively? I suppose I cannot rightly call you dead in any regard.
[The cubs look a little nervous, but he hushes them with a whisper.]
Now, promise me you will be very, very good. Watch your, err, pointier bits around them. Am I understood?
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Anyway. He much prefers this Gilgamesh!! He's a lot nicer! ]
Hello!! The only thing about me that's dead is that I'm dead serious about how much I love baby lions!!
[ ... Yeah. A pun. Sorry, Gil. ]
I promise I'll be the very best!! I wear gloves for many reasons, one of which is for the purpose of keeping my boney fingers from accidentally poking anyone!
[He holds out his hands, ready to be the best Temporary-Mom he can be to this small cub.]
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I will take you at your word, then.
[Gilgamesh adjusts his grip and hands over one of the tawny lions, a boy with big, sharp teeth. Good thing Papyrus is made of bones, because he bites down as soon as he's handed over, trying to wrestle away a wristbone.]
Do mind the fangs. They are teething right now.
[The rest of the cubs he sets loose at Papyrus' feet. He won't be wanting for lions, at least, as they promptly crawl all over him.]
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The other cubs are at his feet now, and he allows himself to let out a high-pitched sound of glee as they pounce around below him. ]
They're so big for babies!! I guess that's a lion for you!!
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Eventually, the cub in his hands does settle. It just needed a bit of adjustment first. Now it's growling and rubbing back at Papyrus with its furry body, and the others at his feet are just as fearless in expressing their affections. Shishi looks on somewhat warily, but he is a good lion, and he can see that Papyrus means no harm, so he allows him to do as he wishes.]
What kind of monsters live in the underground? Nothing like lions, I'd presume.
[This side of Gilgamesh was one of many: curious to the core of monsters and magic and other things of fantasy.]
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Oh no, there's lions! Magic monster lions. At least one of them. They live in Hotlands!
[But that's about all he knows, because FUCK HOTLANDS. Now that the lion in his arms has calmed down, Papyrus carefully adjusts to take a seat on the floor (despite this being in the middle of a hallway, whoops) so that all of the lions may climb all over him. This is true happiness. Covered in baby lions. ]
And there's other monsters like fish monsters- that's Undyne! And goat monsters- that'd be King Asgore! And then there's ghost monsters, and bunny monsters, fire monsters...
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I believe I've met this Undyne of yours. She isn't quite so kind as you.
[Nasty little fish, really... though dedicated in her own right. Gilgamesh lights up a little upon mention of the King.]
Oh, she did mention him, this Asgore. Tell me of him; is he good, is he just, is he fair?
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[Like, don't be a murderer. Oops, failed step one, Gil.
Continuing to be covered in lion cubs, as they climb up into his lap and over his bones. One even starts tugging at his cape a little, until he starts focusing on them and playing with them instead.]
Yes, to all three! He's good and just and fair, and also kind! He had... a lot of bad things happen to him, but Undyne told me he's never once failed to offer someone a nice hot cup of tea when they go to visit him.
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There were worse in Sumeria, he consoles himself. With worse tempers, too.]
I suspect she wouldn't think he failed at much of anything. Nor you.
[His eyes flicker to Papyrus' empty sockets, studying.]
But you have failed at something, haven't you, Papyrus?
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... I have?
[He pauses, thinking about it. He can't recall exactly what it was... He doesn't exactly have the best memory. But he did promise Gil something, didn't he...?]
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Mm. I'm certain that, if you were to ponder the matter at length, you could think of many failings.
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[Placing the lion cub down on his lap, he holds his arms open wide.]
Feel free to ask for one any time!!