VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[moneyballer]

[That weird alienfucker chick mentioned that people were from different time periods, maybe this girl is from the past? Olivia's garb definitely looks foreign to Asher, for sure.]

Uh, yeah! Yeah, it is.

[It's nice to meet someone who isn't ready to count things out if they're unfamiliar.]

So! Rap and hip-hop... They're like! Talking to a beat, kinda.

[Asher nods encouragingly.]

Slam poetry is kinda similar. So! I think the actual movement started sometime in 1973, if I'm remembering it all correctly... A lot of people kinda hate on the genre but music or being melodic and all that jazz isn't really the point! It's all in the lyrics.

Like, that's the important stuff. The words.

[This is probably the calmest he's felt all day.]

Sing? Oh! Sure. I mean, I don't have the rest of this written up, obviously...

But I can like! Share some of my favorite verses with you? Tupac or Biggie, y'know...

[winces]

[ her head tilts curiously, but undoubtedly intrigued. ]

Two-pack? [ she can... see how that deals with wrapping, for sure. to wrap a two-pack must take time! and probably a lot of logistic thinking. but what of the hipping-hopping?????

her brow furrows a little, and she nods along. learning about other cultures definitely requires a lot of thought! ]

I think I see what you mean! Please — share some of Two-pack's lyrics.

1/?

[moneyballer]

Huh? Oh! Okay, yeah, sure. Um-

[Asher rubs the tip of his nose with one finger, a nervous habit, before pausing to clear his throat. What's his favorite verse, that he can remember off the top of his head...]

Here's a little somethin' for my godson Elijah, and a little girl named Corinne-

2/2

[moneyballer]

[And here, he just has to stop. Smiling a bit first, before bursting into a fit of laughter, Asher realizes just how silly this whole song will sound coming from a white boy's mouth.

I mean, "The blacker the berry?" Really?

There's something tremendously off about it, but it's funny, not in a bad way. He looks down as he chuckles and then up again, sporty a sincere and albeit goofy smile in the general direction of the camera.]

Oh man.

That really sounded lame, comin' from me. The song's a lot better than that, I promise. I'm-

[He tilts his head to one side, and then the other, as if explaining something.]

It just wouldn't be as cool, if I tried my hand at it. The original artist is great, though. A favorite, for sure.

[winces]

[ his bashfulness is endearing, if not outright comforting. after all, olivia knows a thing or two about nerves, especially ones surrounding the art of performing. that this man — who had so boldly laid down some sick rhymes just minutes ago — would now duck and hide a smile in sheepishness... well. it is humbling.

she giggles behind her hands, but the sound is not a malicious one. ]

I think you did very well with what you gave me, [ she assures him. ] I will have to hope that one day I can hear the original in its entirety. I'm afraid the only music I have on me at the moment is a gift from Mr. Llyod at Human Resources...

[moneyballer]

[ya well ur cute lol

His expression becomes considerably more serious. Asher isn't entirely sure what to think of the "powers that be" in this place, especially since none of the people here volunteered for this team or whatever it is.]

A gift?

[Asher raises an eyebrow in curiosity.]

You guys on good terms or somethin'?

[A beat.]

Did you guys, like-

[From whatever position he's in, he mimics a crotch-thrusting motion.]

1/2

[winces]

[ did they...?

her eyes flicker down towards his — area — thanks to that movement, and after a second it clicks. ]

—ex. excuse me?! ]

2/2

[winces]

[ she's practically shrieking— ]

N-No?! Why would you even say that?!

[moneyballer]

[Asher has realized he's made a mistake, but instead of actually making it any better, he spews more stupid shit.]

O-oh! Cause you know, guys, sometimes...

When they think a girl's pussy is fly-

[They buy them gifts.]

[winces]

[ ?????????????????////???? ]

P-Please don't... t-talk about my...

[ she peters off into a tiny squeak by the end of it, unable to actually finish her words. ]

this escalated

[heelies]

[Into the frame enters this countenance so grim with fury that Asher need not even see Achilles' powerful build to be struck with fear, and his voice booms like the thunder hurled by Zeus who bears the aegis.]

You would dare besmirch my fair Olivia's honor with these insults so ugly and rude? You had best pray to the gods that I find you not amid the slopes of these sands, for should I lay my gaze upon you, you shall soon find my knife sheathed in your stomach. I have not my spear with me, and this would be too honorable a death for a dog such as you - thus it is fitting that I should flay you as an animal. There shall be none to mourn your death, but only rejoicing from the carrion birds who of your flesh make a feast.

[Video | un: tsukuyo] dropkicks in here

[sekimorinashi]

[ Wow.

Since she's not really that far from Asher (it's suffering to be near him tbh) she hears that from a distance but ... Rather than go into Asher's video feed, she'll interrupt with her own. Self-proclaimed chief of police of Audentes, coming through. ]

Oi.

He deserves a good punch in the face 'n' you're welcome to deliver it if ya want, but take it easy on the flayin' an' murderin' there.

1/2

[moneyballer]

Oh, oh no, I'm sorry, I'm sososo sorry...!!!

[He sputters this immediately in response to Olivia's shame.]

2/2

[moneyballer]

[That was just to Olivia at first, before her angry manfriend butted in. Wait, holy shit, is that the homeless guy? So that's her type, guys who talk a lot and don't take fucking showers?]

Um.

[Asher isn't used to people speaking the way Achilles does, but the reverse is probably true as well. Tsukuyo intervenes, too, and... Boy. This is just a Lot.]

Did you just threaten to kill me? All because might have implied that your girl's pussy is...

[Both palms are wide open, on either side of Asher's body.]

Well, bomb?

[isn't that why ur dating her dude lmfao]

[winces]

[ now he's calling it explosive? how dare?????? ]

I SAID STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

this is such a clusterfuck...screw timelines, i'm just gonna break off into our own thread

[heelies]

[It is after he has had his fill of censuring Asher, likely threatening all manner of ghastly deaths, that he returns to this stranger's reproach. Although his fury has abated from the full thrust of a storm to the dark clouds that afterwards clot the sky, still this incident chaps his breast.]

Is challenging this scoundrel to mere sport meant to sate my call for retribution? This is not punishment enough for so vile a slight against my honor.

[For in his thinking Olivia's honor is bound to his.]

And this is such a late tag BUT YEAH THAT'S FINE that's what I expected

[sekimorinashi]

Yer honour? Yanno, Olivia doesn't strike me as the kind t'be pleased with mindless killin'. I get that yer heart's in the right place but this man's clearly just an idiot who doesn't know how to not shove his foot in his mouth.

I won't have anyone kill someone for somethin' like that.

[ She doesn't really have the authority of the law, she knows that, but surely ALISTAIR has something against murder? ]

it begins

[soru]

Asher!

[ pinkies unite ]

[moneyballer]

[Yelling, albeit unnecessarily:]

I SAY STUPID SHIT WHEN I GET NERVOUS, OKAY?

[soru]

Have you considered thinking before you speak, maybe?

[moneyballer]

Sometimes they just...

[He blinks regrettably.]

Come out.

[like poop from a butthole

like diarrhea]

[soru]

[ your tru kin ]

Then push them back in.

[winces]

Is... is that his name...?

[soru]

Yes it is and I must apologize immensely for this. [ please call off your scary buff man ]

[winces]

[ not yet. ]

Are you... his keeper?

[ some squinting. ]