asher fuckboy millstone (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
moneyballer) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
futurology2016-08-09 08:04 am
moneyballer) wrote in futurology2016-08-09 08:04 am
VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY
[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]
‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.
[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]
I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?
Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!
[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]
Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!
Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-
[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]
Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-
[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]
We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-
[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]
Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.
Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.
‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.
[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]
I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?
Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!
[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]
Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!
Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-
[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]
Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-
[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]
We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-
[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]
Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.
Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.
christ
[He pauses mid sentence, biting his lip and looking downwards. This wouldn't be so hard to process if his world weren't so... Normal, minus the constant murdering and lying and what-not.
Thankfully, he's distracted by Ramir's next statement.]
Wait, so you can boink aliens, where you're from?
What if you like... Try to oingo your boing or whatever-
[Asher uses his hands to speak quite frequently.]
And the parts just don't fit?
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Aaaaa, yeah! Huh.
[A snort.]
I guess you're right. How many kinds of aliens are there, though? I mean! There's hella planets up in space.
Are there any, like, cute green girls with more than two titties or what?
[that is very... specific]
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[That "whut" is high-pitched, in disbelief.
Although he doesn't seem disgusted! Just confused.]
Some aliens have no gender? So they're just...
Them?
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[Ramir, you have literally just blown his mind.]
That sounds pretty friggin' baller, actually.
[A pause, before:]
Hells yeah!
[He raises a fist, in mock-celebratory nature.]
Lookin' forward to alien sex in 4050. I guess Katy Perry was really onto something.
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[Asher is downright perplexed.]
What, you mean like their butts are... Abnormally large, or something?
[o no asher
u will no longer be the biggest booty there ever was
the big booty champion]
Or their entire body is just like... Y'know, an ass?
1/2
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after a beat: ] Yeah. Giant ass people. Whole body, just two flapping cheeks, it's great.
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Oh my god.
[Look at that face. Asher is clutching his chest now, too.
He feels genuinely sorry for them.]
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[Asher squints uncomfortably.]
They basically only feel pleasure?
[IS THAT ALL U R GETTIN OUTTA THIS-]
That's kind of awesome.
[NO...]
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Yeah, sure. We'll go with that.
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Ummmmm, anyway.
Thank you.
[He nods in Ramir's direction. For what? The conversation?
Maybe.]
I'll get used to it, I guess.
[In some ways, this feels better than home.]
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Something he very clearly is not. There's that worried look on his face again.]
I don't know, honestly.
[He laughs timidly at that.]
I'll see you later then, I guess. Um, what's your name?
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He perks up at that.]
Really...?
[Asher pauses, as if to clarify.]
You're not just saying that?
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Still, there are more than a few people who have proved friendly and well-intentioned, more than he knew back home. This isn't what he signed up for, this isn't what he wanted to do exactly...
But it isn't something he knew was possible for himself either.]
Uhhhh, yeah! Okay.
I'll do that. It was, heh-
[Why does he feel timid, all of a sudden?]
It was nice to meet you. Thanks for being so chill.