VIDEO; 001 | ID: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[The video feed turns on to feature a well-groomed man in his mid twenties, who at this point attempts to present his meanest mug to the network. He seems to think that this is actually a good idea, despite everything that went down in the desert. As far as he’s concerned, he has reason to celebrate- Asher, a mere mortal with little to no survival skills, somehow managed to make it through the meteor shower and protect the little alien he’s been assigned to.]

‘Sup bodacious babes. Homie-g’s. Haters.

[He does a little nod to the camera, playing it as “”””cool”””” as he can.]

I was thinkin’, since we’re out saving the universe n’ all… We could use something cool as like an intro, a theme song, y’know?

Something funky fresh. Like a fresh ass beat!

[He clasps his hands together, spitting into them with great enthusiasm but a slight lack of coordination.]

Yo, yo, yo, A-Milly in the hizzzz-house!

Milly as in a million, always stuntin’ like a-

[Asher pauses here, looking a little confused. He blinks once or twice, as if he’s trying to remember something important.]

Vill-i-ain? Um, I’m still working on the intro. Anyway-

[Clearing his throat, he continues on. The interference is probably making this transmission even worse (if that’s possible, can it really get any more embarrassing than this?).]

We up in here, we in the zone
Ready to take care of all yo’ homes,
Don’t matter if it’s outer space, cause we gon put them bad guys in their pl-AAYYYYYCE-

[He ends enthusiastically, but freezes mid-air. It seems as though he’s considering saying something else, but his shoulders drop and he shrugs.]

Uh, yeah. That’s all I got? But I think it has potential. Anyway, um, if anybody wants to like… Help me finish or whatever.

Hit me up, mothafuckaaaaaa.

Comments

[selfimage]

[ it absolutely is. ]

Please further gift us with your nineties-type jingles.

1/?

[moneyballer]

Man, I wonder what would be a good jam for this one...

"Baby-making?"

2/???

[moneyballer]

[He closes his eyes, grimacing, realizing how that sounds-]

Ohp, no.

No, no, no.

3/?

[moneyballer]

Baby... Daddy? Daddy dom-

[daddykink???? daddying, daddy-o]

4/4

[moneyballer]

I'm...

[Asher, now truly ashamed of himself, holds his head in his hands.]

I'm an idiot.

[selfimage]

You were on a roll.

[ don't stop there. ]

i'm gomen

[moneyballer]

[Asher rubs the back of his neck. Something about!!! the chill™dren u read me my dawg]

"The Kids Are Alright?" Nah.

That's not really original, I guess. I'll try and think of something!

You into music, bruh?

im not

[selfimage]

[ like he's surprised. ]

Ah—me?

Well, I dabble here and there. I'm sure no one in these realms has heard of Dazzler.

[moneyballer]

[Is that-]

So... Showtunes?

[gay????]

[selfimage]

You know Les Mis?

[ a pause. ]

Everyone always loves a good score.

[moneyballer]

[Les Mis, huh... That's the one about French people, right? The one where they all die, and are sad, and shit.

Admittedly, Asher isn't one for musicals.]

Hells yeahhhh.

[Cue that douchey, fuckboy grin.]

Everybody loves a good score, am I right?

[wink wonk]

[selfimage]

[ Asher he knows that face. ]

...

Wrong score, but better, in retrospect.

oh gOOOOOD

[moneyballer]

I-D-friggin'-K, maaaaang!

[Mang?! Who even say that anymore...]

I'd take a helping of some funky fresh punani over some showtunes anyday, but hey! That's just me.

[gROSS]

why

[selfimage]

[ those are not things that are mutually exclusive, Asher. ]

...

Er—"funky fresh"?

[ this is the most important. ]

[moneyballer]

[Ah, he realizes his mishap.]

Ehhhh, fresh? Clean? I dunno.

I mean, they all smell funny.

[aSHER!!!!!!]

[selfimage]

Is that really the first thing you think of when it comes to the heat between someone's legs? How it smells?

[ tbf, he's never really focusing on that. ]

jESUS

[moneyballer]

Honestly?

[With an air of nonchalance:]

I kinda dig it.

these are your decisions

[selfimage]

Then I wish you well in the endeavor of sniffing the punani, if that's what you mortals do.

[ or, you know, whatever it is that you do, Asher. ]

[moneyballer]

[wait a minute]

You're-

[gay?]

Immortal?

[selfimage]

[ it's the sound of jazz hands. ]

Surprise!

[moneyballer]

Oh my god.

[WHAT IF-]

How old are you?

[selfimage]

Ah—hm ... I don't know.

[ actually, he has to think about this one. ]

Twenty ... ish?

[moneyballer]

[He doesn't believe you.]

So you're twenty and not, like, two-hundred?

[selfimage]

I think I would know if I were two hundred.

[moneyballer]

Whoaaa, dude!

[Asher isn't one to think too deeply about the consequences of such a thing.]

That's bangin'! Do you age and all dat bidness-

[c e a se]