video; un: deathweaver

[respired]

[ Koltira's sitting on a flat rock, long legs stretched out, a bottle of something dark and high proof in one hand--a souvenir from the remains of the saloon. He's surrounded by cacti and tall, spiky yucca plants; the silhouette of Perdition's Rest is not far behind him, due west. He's close enough to reach by a quick walk, but not so close that he's in the middle of everyone and their campfires and their singing and their camaraderie and so on. A thin dusting of snow coats everything, though close inspection reveals a mirror-like sheet of ice slowly crackling its way into being over the rock, as though animated of its own accord.

A few people have seen him since that terrible week, but not many. He's cleaned up since then. No more chains. Back in his fine, planet-appropriate clothes--long, black coat, stylish hat, boots with sharp spurs. He has new, red tattoos on one hand, and his pale hair is done up in a thick braid that falls over his shoulder.

He leans forward, pulling his right leg up and draping his arm over his knee. He looks miserable. And a little drunk. ]

No one regrets what transpired more than me. I was not in control of myself, though it's no excuse. An apology feels weak and inadequate, but you have it from me, a hundred times, a thousand times.

[ He takes a drink from the bottle. A long drink. ]

I will do what I can to atone, within reason. If you wish me never to look your way again, I will not. If you wish to strike me, you may, though I will defend myself against a lethal blow. If you have something else in mind, tell me.

I will work with Sieglinde, for whatever fruit that bears. It may bear nothing, but I'll endure the attempt.

[ The guilt in his expression, pulling at his mouth and furrowing his eyebrows, hardens. He clenches his jaw. ]

Yet, understand this. I will never be a slave again. Not to any of you, nor to anyone else. I will not beg, and I will not scrape. I will not kneel. And you do not have the right to decide my destiny. None of you do. That's my decision, and mine alone.

[ He sets the bottle down. Shuts his eyes. Last time this happened, he had given a lengthy explanation. He had laid bare the facts of himself: what he was, how he came to be that way. But not this time. He will not open a vein for nothing; he will not suffer dismissal on top of scorn. Not over his past.

Besides, as guilty as he is, as deeply and truly remorseful, he's still angry, too. ]

I have nothing more to say.

Comments

[dishearten]

All opportunity? Or one girl who may or may not have an answer?

They say two heads are better than one. There are dozens here that could aide you.

( if he wanted to avoid hurting others, truly and deeply, why would he not seek all options? There were plenty available to him, more than just Sieglinde, who was already dragged down by too many expectations. )

[respired]

[ He feels frustrated, and he dislikes this man's tone. Graham makes vague references. He clearly does not understand the situation at stake.

But Koltira had waited this long to speak because he meant to keep calm. To keep down the anger that comes to him as naturally as the living breathe. ]

Name them.

[dishearten]

( he understands well enough. a man that loses control and injures dozens at a time should be keen to seek any aide, and not just begrudgingly accept the help of one. )

You have a voice. Use your own. Ask for aide, there are at least seventy in our number and I'd argue most with the capacity would aide you.

Do not say you regret, and then in the next breath say you will atone within reason. There is no reason to regret. You harmed many, and show little interest in preventing it from happening again. If you regret, then be sure you do all that you can.

If you will not, then perhaps you do not regret as much as you think.

[respired]

[ Coldly. ]

I say within reason because last time, one of our number attempted to force me into a particular relationship as-- [ well, he doesn't know. punishment? blackmail? he makes an aggrieved noise in his throat and moves on. he's sure graham gets the idea. 'particular' being euphemism for 'sexual', of course. ]

I mean only to say that I won't entertain such bargains.

As for the others: you speak in vagaries. I am not here to press anyone into service. Truly, it is the other way around. Sieglinde insists on her experiments. I bear them, though they trigger unpleasant recollections. As I said I would bear whatever is necessary, with very specific exceptions.

Truly, I don't know what you want from me. There is no other possible help from what I suffer--none I would allow you to give. The curse's demands are simple, inviolable, and brutal.

[ His haunted voice thickens with anger. ]

As for how I feel-- you do not know, stranger. It is very clear to me that you know nothing of my circumstances at all. Do not presume.

[dishearten]

Did I say you ought press? I said you ought ask. I've been on this team long enough to know that a majority of our number will help, to a practically surprising degree.

( it honestly unnerves him a little, how kind members of Audentes tend to be. he's not the Huntsman that distrusts naturally anymore, but it still surprises him how much kindness is freely offered. maybe it always will. )

I want you to stop hurting so many of our number. I know you little, but well enough. Your circumstances are sadly not so unique, and when I was in them I'd have done anything to stop myself from what damage I caused.

You have a chance. I think you ought take it, instead of leveling conditions and presuming others will not help you. It seems that very many of our number want to see you well, I think you might be surprised.

( where Koltira is angry, Graham is blank, somber. his crushed heart means he has his freedom, though he doesn't have much in the way of emotion. doesn't mean he will sit by when countless of his friends are hurt. )

[respired]

[ He's flabbergasted. Dumbfounded, even. Is this man even listening to him? ]

Do you know how these people can help me? Do you know how you can help me?

Listen to me when I tell you to stay back. If my warning had been heeded, none of this would have happened. Understand that I do not excuse myself; if I meant to, I would not have made this address at all. But that is the plain fact of the matter.

Suffering for suffering is the spell I'm under, and there is no breaking it. I will not ask the others to suffer on my account--I did not want them involved with me in the first place! Do not speak as though I am on some constant rampage, either. This is the accumulation of nearly a year's worth of denying what I am. Of fighting. You have never been in my circumstances.

I have had enough of you. You know nothing.

[ And--what--leveling conditions? The condition that he not be forced into sex? Or killed?

He's done with this. ]

[dishearten]

There's certainly no breaking it if you refuse to try. Perhaps you are right, perhaps you are truly hopeless, but with so many different magics and sciences at play here, I sincerely doubt it.

I've said all I need to. I should hope you consider my words, if you truly mean what you say.

( he won't press anymore, there's no point; but hopefully with a little time and a little sense, Koltira will think a bit more clearly. )

[respired]

There is only one cure for the curse of undeath, stranger. Death itself. And I have reason to go on, yet.

[ The fight in him drains slightly at Graham's persistent calm. Still, he feels as though no true understanding has been reached--but that is the way of it with him and a number of the others on the team. They are naive. They seek to solve the unsolvable. To break their wrists against a wall of iron and steel.

He makes a last-ditch effort. ]

What I mean to do is this: fight, as I always have. I do not ask anyone to join me in this fight. I ask only that they keep back when the pain overwhelms me. When I lose myself. That is all any of you can truly do, Sieglinde's research pending.

[ He shakes his head. Near as he can tell, no one here even approaches Sieglinde's faculty for science and magic, especially not after the secret she shared with him. Loki has powerful magic, but they've known each other a long time and he has never suggested that he could be of help. The others are either unknowns or without magical skill entirely. He literally has no idea who Graham feels he ought to ask. ]

Only agony suffered by another person satisfies the endless hunger. Only blood in my mouth, only pain for pain. I would never, ever ask a member of this team to bear that weight. It does not mean I regret what happened any less. It does not diminish my guilt, or my resolve to do what I can for those affected.

But you are free to believe as you will. We are unknown to each other, after all.

[ Doesn't even know this guy's name. ]

[dishearten]

Is that so? I speak to you, a dead man myself. Perhaps what your world taught you isn't the only truth.

I cannot make you reach for the resources that are around you. But you are naive to think they are not there. We are forcibly joined to an organization that draws us through time and space, among individuals with unspeakable magic and knowledge. Yourself included.

I will believe as I will, as will you. I hope you will consider what I have said. It could save all from a great deal of pain, yourself included.

( they're not totally unknown. they've spoken before, Graham even remembers Koltira's name. they don't need to be well acquainted for the Huntsman to relate to him, though. if he had a heart, would he feel this sort of anger? sooner or later, he might have a chance to know. and at the very least, the conversation has forced him to realize how much more he could do for himself, as well.

as for Koltira, what he does is up to him. Graham does not intend to push when the limit has been reached. he closes the transmission, having said his piece. )