ᴋᴏʟᴛɪʀᴀ ·sᴜɴsʜɪɴᴇ· ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜᴡᴇᴀᴠᴇʀ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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futurology2016-11-06 08:01 pm
respired) wrote in futurology2016-11-06 08:01 pm
video; un: deathweaver
[ Koltira's sitting on a flat rock, long legs stretched out, a bottle of something dark and high proof in one hand--a souvenir from the remains of the saloon. He's surrounded by cacti and tall, spiky yucca plants; the silhouette of Perdition's Rest is not far behind him, due west. He's close enough to reach by a quick walk, but not so close that he's in the middle of everyone and their campfires and their singing and their camaraderie and so on. A thin dusting of snow coats everything, though close inspection reveals a mirror-like sheet of ice slowly crackling its way into being over the rock, as though animated of its own accord.
A few people have seen him since that terrible week, but not many. He's cleaned up since then. No more chains. Back in his fine, planet-appropriate clothes--long, black coat, stylish hat, boots with sharp spurs. He has new, red tattoos on one hand, and his pale hair is done up in a thick braid that falls over his shoulder.
He leans forward, pulling his right leg up and draping his arm over his knee. He looks miserable. And a little drunk. ]
No one regrets what transpired more than me. I was not in control of myself, though it's no excuse. An apology feels weak and inadequate, but you have it from me, a hundred times, a thousand times.
[ He takes a drink from the bottle. A long drink. ]
I will do what I can to atone, within reason. If you wish me never to look your way again, I will not. If you wish to strike me, you may, though I will defend myself against a lethal blow. If you have something else in mind, tell me.
I will work with Sieglinde, for whatever fruit that bears. It may bear nothing, but I'll endure the attempt.
[ The guilt in his expression, pulling at his mouth and furrowing his eyebrows, hardens. He clenches his jaw. ]
Yet, understand this. I will never be a slave again. Not to any of you, nor to anyone else. I will not beg, and I will not scrape. I will not kneel. And you do not have the right to decide my destiny. None of you do. That's my decision, and mine alone.
[ He sets the bottle down. Shuts his eyes. Last time this happened, he had given a lengthy explanation. He had laid bare the facts of himself: what he was, how he came to be that way. But not this time. He will not open a vein for nothing; he will not suffer dismissal on top of scorn. Not over his past.
Besides, as guilty as he is, as deeply and truly remorseful, he's still angry, too. ]
I have nothing more to say.
A few people have seen him since that terrible week, but not many. He's cleaned up since then. No more chains. Back in his fine, planet-appropriate clothes--long, black coat, stylish hat, boots with sharp spurs. He has new, red tattoos on one hand, and his pale hair is done up in a thick braid that falls over his shoulder.
He leans forward, pulling his right leg up and draping his arm over his knee. He looks miserable. And a little drunk. ]
No one regrets what transpired more than me. I was not in control of myself, though it's no excuse. An apology feels weak and inadequate, but you have it from me, a hundred times, a thousand times.
[ He takes a drink from the bottle. A long drink. ]
I will do what I can to atone, within reason. If you wish me never to look your way again, I will not. If you wish to strike me, you may, though I will defend myself against a lethal blow. If you have something else in mind, tell me.
I will work with Sieglinde, for whatever fruit that bears. It may bear nothing, but I'll endure the attempt.
[ The guilt in his expression, pulling at his mouth and furrowing his eyebrows, hardens. He clenches his jaw. ]
Yet, understand this. I will never be a slave again. Not to any of you, nor to anyone else. I will not beg, and I will not scrape. I will not kneel. And you do not have the right to decide my destiny. None of you do. That's my decision, and mine alone.
[ He sets the bottle down. Shuts his eyes. Last time this happened, he had given a lengthy explanation. He had laid bare the facts of himself: what he was, how he came to be that way. But not this time. He will not open a vein for nothing; he will not suffer dismissal on top of scorn. Not over his past.
Besides, as guilty as he is, as deeply and truly remorseful, he's still angry, too. ]
I have nothing more to say.
no subject
You're very lucky to have all these friends who are so willing to forgive and accept you. I mean that sincerely!
no subject
[ He shakes his head. ]
I do not deserve their kindness. But .. what do you mean? Do you mean to say you have experienced something similar?
no subject
I killed... a lot of people. And I hurt the ones I loved most. My situation's a little different from yours because I don't remember the details. My memory of the event was erased but I still know I did very bad things. I still feel the guilt.
I wish there was something I could do to help you.
no subject
Such guilt will likely never abide. Nor should it.
[ It's why he still carries the epithet, after all. A constant reminder of what he is; what he's done. ]
There is no help for me. I am what I am.