futurology | text, @TARANTO, day after the saloon fire

Alright, hold onto one of those blankets for me, cause I have plenty of stories.

[ Illegally obtained blankets? Sign him up. ]

Do you want a long one or a short one? Like, how much violence are you good with?

long one, longer the better, hopefully with some decapitation involved

[ Jesper whistles, releasing a breath. This is gonna be a long story. ]

You got it. Long one it is.

[ Are you read to hear the plot of Six of Crows, he will be sure to leave out all the stuff that might make him look bad. ]

So once upon a time in the city of Ketterdam, there were these gangs, right? And the best one of them all was the one called The Dregs, who were supposed to be run by this old guy, Per Haskell, but really, the gang is run by Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel and the best thief in Ketterdam. Now one day, Kaz gets approached by some rich mercher to do this crazy dangerous job on behalf of the Merchant Council. Why'd they ask a criminal? 'Cause this job was supposed to be hush-hush. Thing is, someone big in Shu Han made this drug called jurda parem. So Kaz puts together a team: me, The Wraith, a Heartrender, a disgraced drüskelle, the Mercher's son (who can do some crazy shit with bombs) and himself.

[ He pauses. Ugh, talking about parem. Maybe he should've just left that part out. Oh well. ]

Anyway, this drug. It doesn't really do anything to normal folks, but when you give it to a Grisha, it makes them super powerful. The downside is it's super addictive and if you take more than one hit, you basically have to keep taking it or it'll kill you.

[ Seriously. Ugh. He doesn't like this part. ]

So the Merchant Council got wind that another country had kidnapped the guy who invented parem so they could make it for their military and pretty much take over the world. That other country is called Fjerda, by the way, and they had this guy in their highest security prison, which is also their royal castle. Hence the name: The Ice Court.

So this is gonna be the story about the Ice Court job. Still interested?

wait hang on
what the fuck is a gresha
and do i need to know what a druskelly is

Grisha. Shit, I forgot you guys probably don't have those, huh.

[ He sounds almost relieved tbh, it's good news for him. ]

Grisha are people born with the ability to manipulate stuff. Like fire or water or people's pulses and that kind of thing. In Ketterdam, most grisha end up indentured to merchers or sold off to slavers. In Ravka, they have an army of Grisha so most of 'em try to make it there. They teach you how to master your powers and all that stuff.

In Fjerda, grisha are seen as basically evil. They fear them for their powers and hunt them as witches because their god, Djel, says they're unnatural or something. A drüskelle is a kind of stick-up-their-ass warrior trained in hunting and killing grisha.

Basically, it's hard being a grisha unless you're Ravkan or you keep it quiet, you know what I mean?

Edited 2016-11-11 06:00 (UTC)

okay got it, easy enough
that's pretty cool though, i'm into your gresha guys

keep going

Cool.

[ Grisha are very cool he Definitely Isn't One, nope. ]

So for the Ice Court job, Kaz and his crew (including me) had to first sneak on a ship to Fjerda. Our plan was to infiltrate the Ice Court during this party they have every year, because that'd basically be the only chance anyone would ever get to make it into the palace. See, the Ice Court is a prison on the outside, but the security's tightest in the palace. We weren't sure where this guy was being held, so we had to be thorough and check the prison first, then sneak into the party, then get out and lock everyone else in so they couldn't follow us out. It was an insane plan but only a guy like Kaz Brekker could pull this shit off. He plans for every Saints-damned thing that could go wrong.

[ Whether or not it worked out that way, well. Kaz didn't actually tell him every part of the plan... ]

Anyway, we started in Fjerda. Sneaking into the country wasn't that hard, but we had to walk to the Ice Court from a different port to avoid raising any suspicion. But then like, to get into the jail itself, we had to swap places with six prisoners and have the guards take us in themselves. With everything going on in the party, they guards weren't really in the mood to bat an eye at the odd Zemeni or Suli prisoner showing up in their roster. We got ourselves locked up in a maximum security prison, with all our stuff taken from us, and nothing but our know how and the old second-hand knowledge of the layout thanks to our drüskelle friend, Matthias.

Oh, and did I mention that the security system for the Ice Court is basically that it seals up if you get so much as an alarm? Yeah. [ It was awesome. ]

So there we were, nice and trapped in the best jail in the world, separated because they split off the guys and the girls. That's when the real plan started. Kaz breaks us out of our cells, and we split up to look for the guy before anyone noticed we were gone-- oh, by the way, his name was Bo Yul-Bayur, he was Shu.

[ Not really an important detail here. ]

That part went off pretty okay, Yul-Bayur wasn't in any of the normal cells but we were kind of expecting that. The real problem came in escaping the prison. The only way out was through the shaft in the smoke stack. The basement smoke stack. So the only way out was straight up, almost seven stories, and we had rope but only The Wraith could climb all the way up there. Shit, that was intense, they'd run the furnace sooner than we expected so the coals were still hot, the walls were hot and-- obviously we made it out but Saints, it was a close thing.

[ He is going to pause for a drink of water, wow is he going into too much detail? Jesper sure loves talking though. ]

You with me so far?

yeah yeah still here
wait but hang on how'd kaz get himself out of the jail to let you guys out

[ not that that sounds like useful information to have on hand or anything ]

[ Jesper chuckles. ]

He swallowed lockpicks and some explosives to blow the locks in case he couldn't actually pick the doors to our cells open.

Awesome, right?

holy shit
that guy's my fucking hero

wait important: did he barf or shit them out

[ This is a totally legit question, Jesper understands. ]

Nah, he coughed them up. We didn't have time to wait that long.

probably a good idea
never tried it but pawing through your own shit doesn't really sound like a great time

ok keep going

Yeah, seriously.

[ Gross, but sometimes you do what you gotta... ]

Alright, so where was I? The smoke stack, right? So Inej climbs to the top and lowers the rope down for everyone. We make it out and now we're on the roof of the prison sector, but some of us still have to break into the palace.

I was working the getaway plan, so I don't know all the details for how the next part went down. On my end of the job it was me and Wylan, our sweet little demo expert. We had to infiltrate the gate we'd be using to make our escape. Or more accurately, making sure that gate closed permanently so no one else could follow us out. We ran into a bit of trouble but ours was definitely the simplest part of the plan. Kaz, Matthias, Inej and Nina were tasked with infiltrating the party and finding Bo Yul-Bayur.

[ And a lot of stuff happened but Jesper legit does not know because Kaz didn't tell him...... ]

Once Wylan and I triggered Black Protocol and closed the gate up permanently, we met up with everyone else to make our escape. It turns out Bo Yul-Bayur was dead and we ended up kidnapping his son, Kuwei Yul-Bo. But I guess he knew enough about parem that the Fjerdans were still holding him hostage anyway. [ Here's a pause for him to shrug. ]

Anyway, so the only way out for the palace crew was through a tree with this spring underneath it, which was apparently also their god or something? Things were happening really fast. Inej had gotten separated from the group but me and Wylan saved her. And we stole a tank on our way out, because why not, right?

[ When you see a tank, you just gotta steal it. ]

So all of us meet up outside, got in the tank, crossed the bridge out of the island the Ice Court was on, then blew the bridge up to cover our escape. All we had to do was ride pretty all the way to our ship waiting for us in the city and we were in the clear. The end.

[ He definitely cut out any and all complications from that story, sorry, Ramir. ]

oh my god a fucking tank
i really like your style, all your style

but that's not TOTALLY the end, what'd you spend the loot on? that's important

I wish that was the end of the story but.

[ HAHA... Awkward... laugh... ]

We actually got cheated out of the loot we were promised. The damn mercher pulled a fast one on us and tried to have us all killed so he could bury the whole job. Turns out he never told the Merchant Council about what we were doing, and he had his own grisha on parem so that caught us all off guard. If Kaz hadn't swapped Kuwei with Wylan at the last second, we would've been screwed for sure.

So this merch, Jan Van Eck, threatens to rat us out to the Merchant Council and claim we kidnapped Kuwei Yul-Bo against his will. (We didn't, by the way.) But even though things were looking pretty bad before we left, I'm sure Kaz could come up with something to get our money and get back at Van Eck, as well as clear our names.

That's just, uh, what we were in the middle of before I showed up here.

oh shit! all that and it doesn't even end there

but yeah i'm sure it'll work out when you get back, like you said, you got a guy who barfs up lock picks and explosives on your side

Yeah, "to be continued," whenever I get back.

[ I mean, it's all super cool when you ignore all the ways he fucked up and Kaz is mad at him but Kaz would never show up so it's fine!!

Jesper laughs. ]

But that's Kaz Brekker for you. He plans for everything. He's a schemer.

yeesh sounds hard
nice to have around though

Yeah, he'd kill it here. Crazy plans with impossible odds are his specialty.

[ Now you know All There Is To Know about Kaz Brekker, Jesper's super-awesome boss. ]

So, do I win a blanket or what?

oh, yeah, definitely
you get your pick of what's left
i'd personally recommend the groundhogs

Nice. What have you got to choose from?

[ Groundhogs sound fun, but they're also like. Brown. And Jesper likes greens and yellows way better. ]

Got anything with some bright colors?

oh yeah for sure
i promised the disco blanket to someone else but we still got some that were definitely made on whatever they smoke around here
favorite color?

Disco blanket?

[ Shame. Though Jesper's world hasn't had the disco era yet, which is an even biggest shame. ]

Green. The brighter the better.

oh i totally got you covered on the green front
stop by you got your pick of greens for that story

Nice.

[ yeeee he's excited!! ]

Where can I come pick it up?

text, @TARANTO, day after the saloon fire

audio; un: sharpshooter

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