VIDEO; un: I CAN B UR DADDY

[moneyballer]

[Asher is decked out in the gaudiest holiday apparel you may ever see, addressing the network after months of terrible seemingly good behavior.]

Happy birthday to the original g-

[He raises a glass full of something suspicious in color, as if to make a toast.]

Je-

[The law student then proceeds to down all of the liquid at frighteningly quick pace before continuing.]

Sus Christ. Hundreds of years later and he’s still got bitches out the wazoo, stringin’ up lights on trees, prayin’ 2 his likeness, ‘n shit. I-D-K how I feel about the actual religion, but if ladies still want your dick after you’ve been dead for friggin’ ever you gotta be doing something right, right?

Anyways, I ain’t about to go to this holiday shindig sober, if y’know what I mean.

[And if you don’t, he’s about to explain it to you.]

I’m all for gettin’ slizzered in this blizzard, gettin’ some ice all up in my grill, and maybe if I’m lucky somebody’s balls’ll be getting jingled TONIGHT, y’all.

If you’re over 18 and are more keen on bein’ naughty than nice, come find me and we’ll pregame the party.

[As if this little broadcast wasn't unnecessary enough, Asher feels the need to get far too close to the camera and exclaim:]

Merry Christmas, bitcheeeeeeeez.

[*Please note that this post represents the feelings of a fictitious character about a somewhat religious holiday, and in no way is a reflection of the actual author's perspective, thank you.]

Comments

audio; un: harmonia

[digiorno]

[he cant even look you in the eye rn]

Please wear protection.

audio;

[moneyballer]

[and on that day, asher receives a grim reminder:]

Shit, you're right.

I don't have any condoms.

video | un: RHY5-W1NZ

[dbag]

What the hell is a Christmas.

video

[moneyballer]

Iiiiiiiiit's a holiday, beezy~

[why is rhys beezy???? his name doesn't even start with a b]

You in the mood for a little drinky drank before cruisin' onto the dance floor?

[he's shaking.... the cup.... in front of himself and the camera

i give up]

video;

[pummelling]

[...................]

I'm Buddhist and I'm offended. Man, you really outdid yourself with this one.

Would you drink some water or something?

video

[moneyballer]

Awwwwwwe, you're worried.

[hiccup]

That's sweet.

[don't drunkflirt with ur best friend u f o o l]

I should've counted on you of all people to be Mr. Grinchy-Grinch about the holidays.

audio; un: zenyatta

[iomnic]

I have heard that before loving someone else, one must first love themself. Asher, I mean this in the kindest of ways.

[moneyballer]

But I did that today.

[Spoken very seriously, although with reddened eyes.]

Twice.

not here

[pummelling]

[but jin snorts so hard at this ice burn he almost runs headlong into an iguana-man from another alastair team]

video

[grunehexe]

And to think the Christians were up in arms over witches and their supposed consort with Satan.

[JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED???? Who wants to sleep with the Jesus, this is ridiculous.]

[moneyballer]

[Asher laughs a little, taking her comment in stride. He does remember that Sieglinde is, in fact, a real witch.]

You ever do that?

[Playfully:]

Dance with the devil?

video; un: kazbrekker

[steler]

[saints dont let jesper get any ideas from that suit.]

Who is Je-Sus Christ?

[moneyballer]

[Kaz's blatant confusion, especially in Asher's drunken haze, comes off as kind of adorable. Even though the guy could and would, you know, murder the lawyer-to-be in cold blood.]

Ohhhh, religious guy. Prophet? People back home worship the hell outta him.

[Asher quirks a brow.]

You curious?

video | un: lucina

[heritors]

[ Lucina's probably the farthest thing from dressed in the holiday spirit, considering butterflies aren't exactly Christmas-y. But!! This doesn't mean she can't appreciate a fantastic outfit when she sees it.

( Asher's words, on the other hand, are completely ignored because she has 0 idea what he's trying to say. ) ] Asher!

Your suit looks amazing.

[moneyballer]

Ahaha.

It's preeeetty damn festive, if I do say so myself.

[Mariah would be proud.]

You look good! Didn't know you were all that into butterflies. They your thing?

audio; un: Evening Spider

[araigneedusoir]

[ohmygod why]

You have no idea what tact is, do you?

this is HORRIBLE

[moneyballer]

[plz wipe that douchey-ass grin off ur face]

Iiiiii dunno, will it get me laid?

audio; un: cardmaster

[fateality]

Sweet Bearded Lady, set yourself on fire.

[he doesn't even care what you said but his eyes feel like melting out of his head]

video

[moneyballer]

[Asher takes another swig of that off-brand space booze and looks to the side, letting the camera focus on the middle finger he suddenly flashes in TF's direction. There it is, front and center.]

video; un: ASCIIanything

[catphishing]

[Oh no.

He could almost be pleased to see a familiar face, but...

This is horrifying.]

I don't think that's what Christmas is about.

[moneyballer]

C'mon, dude!

[dont b like this]

I'm all about that holiday spirit. I'm in the mood for a spreading a little-

[At this point, Asher winks drunkenly at the camera.]

Christmas cheer, if you catch my drift.

video | un: Princess

[assent]

Yowza! [ It's an excalamtion of surprise because wow that... sure is a festive suit. Her hair is swept to the side right now, and she's in her dress as well. ]

You are certainly rockin' that suit, homie! [ She gives him a smile, then it's... almost a sheepish laugh that follows. ] However, maybe getting hella reckt this early on is... not the best of ideas.

[moneyballer]

Thaaaaanks, girl.

[He has to chuckle at her very earnest encouragement, she's a little younger-looking than he expected.]

Maybe not, but. I dunno! I've got a lot to celebrate.

[He's made it this far without dying. That has to count for something.]

text, @TARANTO

[heavyhitter]

oh my god don't do this to jesus, he didn't ask for any of this

[moneyballer]

datz what he gets for trustin judas, that sneakly lil biiiiiatch

video; un: sai

[daimeinashi]

[What the heckie is this incomprehensible post. Literally he understood like. Maybe one sentence of this, at best.

...But Asher said he wanted to be friends, and he's still interested in learning more about what that really means, so.]

Ah...we are not currently experiencing blizzard conditions, Asher-san. I do not think you will be able to get "slizzered" within one for the time being.

[HELLO FRIEND, SATAN HAS ARRIVED, AND HE IS 16. MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YA FILTHY ANIMAL.]

video

[moneyballer]

[By the time he replies to Sai's video, he's had enough to drink to look a little confused.

Everything about his response, even though it's video, seems as though it's delayed- That's definitely the alcohol.]

Why are you so small?

audio | username: olivia

[winces]

[ what even was all of that. is their translator on the fritz again...

nevertheless!! olivia manages to pick up one or two things from all that, helped along by the very memorable imagery on his clothing. ]

Oh, is this that lovely little tradition with the exchanging of gifts? Merry Christmas to you as well!

video

[moneyballer]

[At that, Asher sobers up a little.

Olivia's had a rough time these past couple of months, and while they aren't particularly close, it's nice to hear her sound this happy.]

Kinda. It's more like... Doing some holiday shots with the homies, buuuuut you know.

[He's broke thanks to Kaz and Jesper, but in some ways, it's worth it. He and Jin managed to bring a family back together again, and they owed Miranda for letting them out anyway.]

You want a little? I could pour one out for ya.

video | un: schbrodingers cat

[12inches]

I guess somebody's gotta keep Christ in Christmas.

[ Shrugs and fingerguns from the atheist corner. Or fingergun. The other's got a drink, as god would probably intend on this fine holiday evening. He's right there with u buddy ol' pal. ]

It's fine without, though. Nothin' but Mas... sive Alcohol Swiggin'. Major Ass Swervin'. Miller And Svedka, My Aunt Susan... [ The fingergun started counting off the number of MASes he can make, but thank god he stops at that one. ] Gets the holiday spirit across so much better than with all those other letters and shit...

[ Not that that's gonna stop him. Drunk eyes narrow in concentration. ]

Certainly He Rests In Style This Merry-Ass Season, Considering How Religion Is Secondary To Marketing And Spectacle.

[ His face scrunches up a second later at how real that got, but it quickly splits back open in a smile at just how fucking clever he is. ]

Mega Awful Sounding, huh.