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VIDEO | un: steelsamayarai

( Peter is clearly on top of something high when he turns the magitek on, magitek that isn't his but anyone who knows him will recognize him, whether his name is paired with the message or not. he hesitates before he starts, but he's hesitated about a week now. he's sort of out of hesitation time. )

I am guessing most of you remember me, but if you don't, my name is Peter. I just... I wanted to apologize. I get that doesn't mean much, considering how many people I hurt and I should have seen it sooner and prevented it in the first place. ( he shrugs, looking down and his shoulders in a weary slant. ) I'm still sorry. If you got caught up in it, or... you know someone that was. Sorry won't make up for it, but I... I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it never happens again.

( it means more honesty than he's ever had on a large scale, and that's the terrifying part of all this. he doesn't see an option in it anymore. ) I'm sorry I didn't talk about... what I can do. It's a long story. ( a long story with dead girlfriends, so no, he doesn't wanna super get into that part. ) I should have said something before it got so bad. It's too late to go back, but maybe I can say something now. If you want to know, I guess I'll try and answer.

( he looks uncomfortable, but hey. it's at least a start. last but not least, though, he sighs and rubs a spot behind his ear. ) If you don't want anything to do with me, after... ( after he went feral and tried to eat people, is the part he's not saying, ) I get it. I'll try and respect it, if I know, too.

( and, last but not least... ) I think we should consider the endgame of the people that were effected by Bristol. There's a lot to deal with after you get the cure, especially those in late stages of infected. ( speaking from experience... cough....... ) If we can get donations together, provide any kind of support for the people that got sick or ... lost someone. If we can I think we should.

( Peter definitely feels like he's talked enough (for prob the second time in his entire life, and coincidentally the first time was just a few days ago, w e i r d), so with that he's done. at least for now. he probably has a mystic samurai coach to keep an eye on, anyway. she might claim to be petersitting but if anyone is at risk of falling off the building, it's not Peter.

because he doesn't fall off of buildings, he jumps off of them completely intentionally. )

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[She'll wear him down eventually]

[She's already doing so!! She heads over closer to the edge of the roof to peer down (it's relevant, really, she's not contemplating suicide), then glances over at Peter]

Weeeelll... let's start simple. How super is your super jumping? Could you make this jump?

[What else do spiders do....] Oh, oh, do you make webs and eat flies stuck in 'em? Or... instead of flies, you make web traps for burgers and ice cream!?

Do you mean would I survive if I jumped off of this building?

( he has to think about it for a moment. he's survived some horrible shit, but this building is pretty tall... )

I don't want to find out if I can. It'd definitely break something and I don't heal that fast. ( SHE'S A MONSTER FOR MAKING HIM LAUGH, only half a huff of breath, but technically that's what noise means. ) No, I don't eat flies. Though I caught one midair once.

( much to the alarm of his aunt. )

[She didn't mean it like that, but...] You can heal, too? Can spiders do that?

[She really underestimated them, if so] But you do set traps for burgers? If you can do that, why did you just let me bring you food when you could have stuck a web out?! That's so unfair!

[h u f f s... okay, they're getting a little off the subject]

What else can you do...?

Yeah, better than we can. They can grow back missing legs, though before you ask, no, I don't know if I can do that.

( he doesn't want to know, either... that would not be a fun experiment. )

I buy my hamburgers at a diner like a normal guy. They don't just appear, trust me. ( sorry for so terribly inconveniencing you though, Maya, that was his bad... is he gonna hear about this happy meal forever?? smh )

I can sense things before they happen, but usually just before. It's a survival instinct, and ... please just take my word for it.

( his spider-senses are officially in the doghouse rn. )

Wow, I had no idea spiders were so hardcore.... now I feel kinda bad for stepping on them.

[Right after admitting that, she realizes perhaps she shouldn't have and pauses to squint at Peter. How intune is he with his spider brethren?] I mean... I'd never do that! I feel bad when other people step on them.

[that's less offensive, right] Welll.. I meant more you setting web traps for burgers, but if you could do that and you were holding out on me the whole time, I'd kick your butt!

[On that note--] Does that mean I'm faster than your awesome spidey senses 'cause you couldn't fight off my tickles?

Edited 2017-04-27 00:59 (UTC)

( he is almost amused. almost. he is part spider now but he doesn't actually have any particular camaraderie with them. he might just be a little less easy to spook now that spiders are his life now. ... literally. )

Less than one percent of spiders are capable of killing humans, you know. They're of more use if you let them live. But your friend can probably rest easy that she couldn't hope to squish as many spiders as there are out there.

( don't ask for numbers, Maya. he knows, and you don't want to.

he shakes his head, clearly uncomfortable by this particular line of questioning. ) I saw it coming, I just didn't do anything to stop it. Not everyone is so lucky. ( ask Stiles he probably has a lot to say on that subject. ) It's just better not to risk it if you can avoid it.

Edited 2017-04-27 04:41 (UTC)

Oh, good. I was a little worried you were gonna like... spiderhulk out there or something. You know, at the cruel treatments of your brothers and sisters.

[look she knows he's a nerd she's not going to provoke him]

I dunno, if you survived being tickled, I think you can survive anything. Once someone tried to do it to me and I kicked them!

[not that she has spidey senses or anything] Besides, your spidey reflexes only went into overdrive because of the virus, right? If I sneak attack you now, I bet you wouldn't do anything.

You're safe. For now.

( forever tbh he won't cry if she squishes a spider in his presence... look he knows most people don't love spiders, he's only gained an affinity for them due to necessity...

the fact is, she's probably right. Peter has his wits about him again, he should be more than capable of stifling his instinctual reactions that often happen faster than he realizes. he should be. but the last time someone should have been safe around him, they weren't, now were they? )

It's not worth the risk, Maya. Just trust me.

I'll get my friend to, um, try to avoid stepping on 'em.

[very subtle, Maya!! Anyway, there, she's going to try to protect his spiderfam... don't spiderhulk out, Peter.....]

I do trust you. It's you who doesn't trust you.

[She can understand why, but that doesn't mean she'll go along with it] But, okay, no tickles. [For now.] Everything else is still on the table.

Tell your friend thanks, from the entire spider community.

( he's part spider, so he can speak for all of them, right? that's how that works?

the lightness of the joke is canceled in the gravity of what she says, even though Maya doesn't make a large point of it. it's true, he doesn't trust himself, the look on his face says as much as he falls silent. he might not say anything with words, but his expression still says plenty. )

Everything else? ( maya this isn't a negotiation, NO TOUCHING EVER! )

I will!

[She'll have to be careful from now on......]

Yep, everything else. [She says, vaguely, ominously. He's right, it isn't a negotiation, because she's already decided. Oops]

[His silence is pretty telling. Her expression softens a little, but it looks like it's time for the Talk.]

[No, not that one]

Did you talk to Stiles? He was really worried about you, you know.

Nothing else would be a better idea.

( he's gotta try and steer her away from danger. it'd be irresponsible of him not to, and we all know how Peter Parker just looooooves his responsibilities. never shuts up about them, basically.

this is a conversation he wants to have even less than all the blatant and upfront talks about superpowers and spider bites on the network. he flinches like it's a literal blow, and not just the name of someone that matters to him a great deal. Maya might know more than most of Audentes, Peter probably should have seen this coming... yet it somehow doesn't make it any easier. )

Yeah, I know. I talked to him. ( is that enough? to end this conversation? hopefully, because Peter has not been doing particularly well talking about Stiles these days. )

[She pretends to consider this, than, vaguely:] Naaaaah.

[how ominous]

[anyway, Maya does know very well, thanks to Stiles's little healing kiss earlier. Well, she would have put two and two together eventually, anyway, but the Disney PDA saved her the trouble.]

[And Peter's reaction isn't lost on her, here]

How is he doing...? [she prompts] How come you're not with him for this?

( if he seemed reluctant for everything else that has come up in the past few hours, then this is a full body reluctance; his face is painted with his discomfort, and even his posture seems to shout it in obvious lines. shoulders sloped low enough that he seems much less of a giant, his head ducked enough that Maya has to look at the top of his messy head over his eyes. )

I don't know. I haven't seen him since. ( Peter can't manage to keep his voice even, even if it's been days since it happened. ) It's better off this way, Maya. He doesn't get that, he never will, but it is.

( a broken heart is far less fatal than a broken spine, even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment. though... Stiles hadn't even seemed that bothered, something Peter still hasn't managed to puzzle out in his head. and trust that he's tried, he's thought about that night a lot. probably too much. doesn't matter how many times he replays it, Peter still can't understand how he'd been so wrong.

in the end, it doesn't matter how Stiles reacted; nothing could change what happened, and that it wasn't safe for Peter to keep pretending he was capable of being that close to someone without them getting hurt. )

[It makes sense. If she leaves Peter alone, he's probably going to isolate himself -- even this seems to be putting a lot of strain on him. She shifts a little closer to get into his line of view while he's slumping like that, trying to meet his eye. She does soften a voice her little, because she's capable of being serious... sometimes]

Like, what? Totally cutting him off? Aren't you guys a couple?

[It's an easy assumption to make after she's seen the kissing, and how badly Stiles was losing it when Peter went missing.... she can put two and two together.]

[And now Peter's pushing him away?]

Are you sure that's really going to help? 'Cause I think that might just hurt you both, in the end.

Yes. I'm sure.

( Maya is trying to look him in the eye and Peter is determined not to give her the opportunity, even if it means closing his eyes to the burn threatening at the corners. how does he explain why this distance was so important? it wouldn't make sense to anyone unless they knew the full motivation behind it, and so far? Peter hasn't been strong enough to voice it. because it meant saying something he hasn't allowed himself to bring into reality, as if not saying it somehow meant it wasn't true. )

The last time I loved someone, I was selfish. I thought that I could protect her, from the world, from everyone after me, from anything that could hurt her... ( it seemed like such a long time ago, that he had genuinely believed that he and Gwen Stacy could face the world, together, and that would be all they needed to make it. life just wasn't that simple. ) I couldn't, I couldn't protect her. Not from any of that, not from... ( his voice quavers with what he still struggles to say. ) ...from me. Stiles won't protect himself, so I have to. I won't hurt him again, and if this what it takes, then at least he'll be safe this way.

( hurt him again indicates a truth Maya might not know about, that Peter had already crossed an unspeakable line in a relationship they'd never been brave enough to give a name to. a line he can't come back from, as far as Peter is concerned. )

[Now that's just cheating. Fine, she'll stand directly under his chin, so that when he does open his eyes (or start crying), he can't avoid her.]

[Her first instinct is to dismiss this -- he didn't have control over himself as an infected, no one did. How could have something like that happened in his world? Well, if he was a spiderman, doing whatever a spider can, maybe it's possible, but--]

[Isn't it more likely that he's just blaming himself for something he couldn't control? She hasn't known him for particularly long, but he gives her that kind of vibe.]

[She bites down her instinctive answer, voice softening to a gentle tone that's rare for her, and prompts him:]

What happened?

[His guilt over Stiles could have a precedent, after all. That could explain why it's so hard for him to forgive himself]

( what happened? he manages a choked sound, because while words still seem to fail him, it's not as if he's forgotten. as if all the memories have faded. as if the bitter picture of holding her broken body has gotten any easier to face, months after it happened. no, he remembers, and yet putting it into reality is no easy task for something he's intentionally tucked away, buried back, just to be able to function. )

She's dead, Maya. Dead. Because... because of me.

( it might be the first time he's said it out loud, even though there hasn't been a day since it happened that Peter hasn't thought it. Maya's instinct may be to deny it, yet he was one present. it was his attempt to save Gwen that had broken her spine; even in his attempts to protect her he'd destroyed her. didn't matter intention when the result was still the same. it was a lack of control that had killed her, and it was a lack of control that had hurt Stiles, too. that makes them completely comparable for Peter, and the emotions tied up in it were not too different, either. )

He could have died, too, and next time... ( as much self control as he has, there's always a moment of high emotion or panic or yes, other things outside of his control that could affect him. there were too many variables that put people close to him in danger. ) There can't be a next time. ( his eyes are open now, and yes, he's crying, but there's no sort of cathartic relief in it. just pressure building up until the dam breaks, and there's nothing he can do to stop it. )

Oh, Peter. I'm sorry. [She takes the opportunity to hug him, since she's already in the area and he needs it. Deal with it, Peter. Even if he protests, she's not going to let go. He'll have to pry her off with his super strength -- or break her arm. Just kidding!!]

[She thinks she can understand his feelings, if just a little. It's not like she's not harbouring her own guilt over Mia's death.]

Because you lost control of your powers? Did.... something like this happen before?

[That's all she can think of. Why else could he have killed another person? She can't picture it as anything over than him trying to help someone and it backfired. She hasn't known Peter that long -- not long enough to really understand everything about him -- but that much she's certain of]

[He couldn't have willingly really hurt someone. He's just not that kind of person. In her opinion, anyway]

[He's like Nick.]

( he really should insist on the distance that seems to be the only way to really prevent any more mistakes. that's probably the smart thing, or the heroic thing, or the... maybe Peter doesn't even know what should motivate the distance anymore, actually. that blurred edge makes it pretty hard to refuse affection when it is sprung on him, and while at this point he should more or less expect Maya to break the rules, he has yet to actually properly rebuke her for it.

she hugs him and he freezes, only for a moment, before he hugs her back. her dark hair is a good cover for the misery painted on his features, though when she's this close she probably can't see it, anyway. )

Yes. ( that's all Peter says on the matter — yes, something like this has happened before. he'd been too desperate to catch her, he hadn't thought about the placement of the webbing or how suddenly her body would stop. it all happened too fast, even though when he looked back, it was like everything was in slow motion. hindsight was 20/20, wasn't it? all the ways he could, and should, have done it better.

it was too late for that now. it was too late for Gwen. not wanting to hurt her couldn't change the fact that he did. ) There can't be a next time, ( he repeats like a broken record, though his tone seems farther away than it was a moment ago. stuck in memories that he won't let himself air. while it's the most he's ever managed to say about Gwen's death, there's a limit to how far he can go, even now, even with someone he trusts. )

[He can rebuke her, but that isn't going to really stop her. She squeezes him gently, bringing up one hand to pat his back in the hug, and lets him stay like that.]

We'll figure something out. [she murmurs into his chest, because presumably that's where her face is. "We", because she's including herself in this. She'd been sticking around him this whole time, trying to help him ride through this, and that's not likely to change any time soon.]

[If she can help it, she's not going to let him give up on Stiles, or push everyone away, but she isn't sure how she can convince him not to blame himself. It's not like she doesn't have those kinds of feelings about Mia's death, herself. And she didn't even straight up cause the death] Just--- remember something for me, okay? Tell it to yourself if me saying it isn't enough. You're not some--- threat, that everyone needs to run away from. You're not a monster.

You're my friend. And I don't make friends with bad people.

[some people might argue that, but--]

I have good taste. Trust me.

( he should tell her there's nothing to figure — this is just how it has to be. it'd be unfair to go back on it, nobody should let him try. not Maya, not even Stiles, and Peter doesn't want to think about whether he would or not. that poses questions he does not want to have answers to. he doesn't, though, he seems to have crumpled in more ways than one. pretty hilarious that someone a foot taller than maya can crumple enough to hide his face in her hair. he sure can, though.

his eyes are squinted shut, and while he doesn't give much outward sign he heard her, eventually he nods. getting Peter to believe he isn't a monster? it's just a feat easier said than done. especially right now, after admitting what he'd done to not one, but two people he'd loved. add what he'd done to all of woodhurst, and it was pretty easy to feel like he was a monster.

Peter knew better than to argue with Maya, though — she was pretty determined, after all, and it'd only make them both miserable to keep pressing on an open wound. he was better off agreeing. and the mention of having good taste makes him cough a sad laugh, finally straightening enough to wipe at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater. ) Yeah, okay. ( her taste levels are questionable, if she decided to become friends with him, but then again... he hadn't told her who he really was when they'd met, had he?

he sighs, but once his eyes are a little drier, he still keeps one arm around tiny shoulders. ) Thanks, Maya. ( Peter may not feel like he deserves her kindness, but that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it. if anything, it makes him all the more grateful. )

[If he's going to hunch over badly enough to hide his face in her hair, she's going to pat his head while he's down there. She's not naive enough to believe he'll just take what she said at face value -- in a way, she gets in-- but he's here, and he's listening, and he's not running away. She'll say it as many times as he needs to hear it.]

And don't you forget it, you big spiderdummy.

[As a response. If he pulls his face back enough to look at her, he'll find that she's smiling in a much softer and more genuine way than usual. It isn't a mischievous grin or a smirk. It's warm. It's real.]

You're stuck with me. 'Till the end of the line.

[I won't turn my back on you.]

( he does have to stand up eventually, probably because he'll pull his back out crouching that far down. when he does, he rubs at his face with a sleeve, because god forbid he have a hankie or a tissue, he's a man, and men don't cry. it's just raining out here or something, weird.

Peter has run into plenty of people more loyal than he deserves in his life. he is sort of bemused that it keeps happening, all things considered. (hard to believe that all the wonderful people that cared about him had a common thread, and a pretty obvious one, too.) it's a dangerous thing, and if anyone would understand how dangerous, it'd be Maya. she knows what happened to Stiles, and she knows what happened to Gwen... though, it doesn't seem she much believes it.

she would be better off staying away from him, and he'd be a better person if he had it in him to push her away. he isn't, as it turns out. )

Gross, ( he says, though his tone is stained with sentiment. look, there's only so much schmoop even Peter Parker can take, Maya, you crossed a line. ) I guess you're stuck with me, too. Please, no jokes about how I'm just that way naturally.

Edited 2017-07-24 05:07 (UTC)

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VIDEO | un: steelsamayarai

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