futurology | TEXT | un: p.parker

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TEXT | un: p.parker

so, its my birthday next wednesday

& dont get me wrong? not a big deal, i guess, its just a day, i forgot it even happened last year, but

thats the whole thing. ive gone from 19 to 21 here, that's longer than i ever imagined staying, which has left me thinking about how long ive been here

what was your favorite mission? what do you think youve learned, from being here? who have you met that youre going to miss when you go home? what moment sticks with you the most? or, idk, anything you wanna talk about. we always get stuck on the negative stuff,
& i get it, its easy to get stuck there

but there is more than that. & i think that its important for us to remember that.

so, i will go first, i guess. i think my favorite mission was zeta-12. definitely. the squidges are great and i still think about it there sometimes. it was nice feeling like we made a difference there and helped that species continue. if youre curious, here is beaker and scooter now.

( there's a picture attached of two full-grown squidges, apparently holding hands and puzzling over a plant native to Zeta-12. be glad it's text mode, or Peter might be getting misty about his alien baby. )

ive learned that there is no such thing as protecting someone from the truth. im going to miss my friends. i already miss some of them that have transferred. im going to miss my boyfriend, though he may or may not kill me for using that word and then i wont have to miss anybody. and... i think woodhurst is always going to stick with me the most.

so, thats me. im sure we all have our own stories. id like to hear them, if you wanna share.

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[He hasn't actually spoken to anyone since shortly after the festivities ended, when he'd learned that the small handful of people he was beginning to consider friends, the ones that had professed to actually care about him, had all transferred out, just like that. It's brought on a return of his heavier feelings, a detachment and cold bleakness that was beginning - slowly - to lift, and he's kicking himself more than a little for believing it's ever worth making connections with others, when without fail they leave you in the end.

So why he chooses to respond to this isn't something he really understands. Perhaps the promise of lifting negativity, or the feelings of nostalgia. Who knows. Whatever the case, he replies, and through text-- a small attempt at distancing himself from the honesty he's about to display. None of his usual slyness or snark or bravado in evidence.]

I suppose, with hindsight, Zeta-12. Perhaps 'favourite' is the wrong word, but it meant something. Also, Woodhurst.

i know what you mean. it sure wasnt easy... but by the end of it, you really felt like youd done something. thanks to us that species gets to keep going.

woodhurst... yeah. we did good there. i wish i could have done more, but, we did.

I suppose my reasons are slightly different. It forced me to realise some things. Made me see that something was possible, something I believed to be long dead. I felt largely indifferent towards my charge to begin with. There was at least one moment where I came close to killing it, if I'm honest with you. Ha ha.

I felt differently, towards the end.

[He'd even named it, eventually. And he keeps the picture Olivia had taken, of he and Lily before they'd left that planet behind, hidden amongst the flowers in his room. Has both pleased and surprised to learn that the creature he had 'raised' is doing well, and is largely well-adjusted]

Woodhurst was much the same. I learnt some things. Although I wonder whether I'd have been better off remaining the same.

close, but you didnt

( sqidges were frustrating, aggravating creatures. as were most children. Peter doesn't actually hold the confession totally against him, because he can understand, even if he'd never been close to wanting to hurt one. )

how do you mean? you think you haven't changed for the better?

No. It lived to see another day.

[He'd meant to throw it into the canyon when it had wailed and cried and refused to cross, right up until Olivia stopped him, taught him how to sooth it instead. And from there, things had changed. In the end, it had vaguely hurt him to have to leave Lily behind.]

And I don't know. In some ways, perhaps. But it's also made things more difficult.

i dont know you well but, idk. you made it. and you learned from it. a thought isnt an action, until you make it one

my uncle, he used to say the best changes are always the hardest ones. maybe it should be difficult, you know? when things are too easy, there's always someone paying the price.

I suppose not.

Perhaps. Although I wouldn't say anything's ever been easy. Only...expected. And better is a subjective way of looking at it. Thinking about it like this, I suppose I've changed in ways that better suit this environment. Just a little. If I were to go home, it would leave me at a disadvantage. Now that I consider it in this light, perhaps it's just as well that I won't be returning.

How about you. Do you think you've changed for the better?

it is subjective, yeah. what you've explained... it sounds better to me. i guess what really counts is what you think, though

you don't think you're going home?

maybe ... maybe in some ways. i'm not who i was when i got here. it took some real bumps in the road to learn, though, and while i might not have gotten those opportunities if i were home... it's hard not to wish i could have changed without them. a lot of people got hurt for me to learn, i wish it didn't have to be that way.

In truth, I don't know what to think. The longer I remain here, the more confusing things seem to become.

And no, I don't think I'm going home. ALASTAIR have made it clear that only those who's worlds would perish without the impact of their actions can be spared the energy required to send them home. I don't qualify.

[Somehow easier to admit over text, the fact that he simply doesn't matter enough to be sent home. It wasn't a revelation that came as a surprise to him, only one that adds to the bone-deep ache that's always, always been there. He never has been enough. Never has mattered, back there.

As for the rest of what Peter says-- well. It's more evidence that he stands quite apart from the rest of them, here. That his ideologies and morals have been shaped in a very different light. But that's something he's accustomed to, by now.

There are points of commonality here, however, despite that.]

Perhaps change is always painful. I always imagined it would be. Bumps in the road...it seems a mild way to put it. Ha ha.

have they? everyone has a different story as far as thats concerned. i dont even know what to think anymore, honestly

( maybe he has just pointedly not listened too closely. Peter probably wouldn't be able to function if he thought he'd never get to go home. this post is absolutely hinged on the belief he'll go back some day. he has to, right? )

change is always painful... i hope not, but that might be the most effective kind of change. sometimes you need that kick, as unwelcome as it is at the time

[Well, for himself at least, he's always received the same answer, something he doesn't mind mentioning now.]

Whenever I've asked, they tell me the same thing. That only those who's worlds would die without them warrant the energy to be sent back. It seems unlikely, under those circumstances, that I'll ever be sent back myself. I play for the wrong team, so to speak. Ha ha. I suppose it's something I've come to terms with.

[He just sees himself as that irrelevant, and besides which, he's under no illusions in regard to his creator's designs-- She's an agent of chaos, a veritable incarnation of it, would be more likely to bring the world down around Her than to save it. And if he were to return he'd belong to Her as thoroughly as he ever did, until he was able to find the death he'd been looking for.

He's not going back. But vaguely, almost subconsciously, there's some level of relief in knowing that. Barely felt, but present nonetheless.]

And I suppose so, yes. Although the only changes I've ever known have been painful. If there are any other kind, I've yet to experience them for myself.

oh.
...huh.

( Peter isn't sure how he feels about that. would he qualify as something vital to his timeline? the solitary hero of New York, maybe, but... what does it take to be vital? it's a question he's not sure he wants an answer to, so he's not going to press it much.

because he still wants to go back, and has to hold onto the faint thread of hope that he will be able to, one day. )

hmm
maybe its time you made a choice for yourself. then you can make it a good one, right?

I've never been good with choice. It's not something I have much experience with.

[He'd always belonged to someone else back there, done his creator's bidding like the loyal dog he's been conditioned to be. And here...well. He's been swept along in the wake of things he has no control over. Hasn't made decisions, as such.

Something he ought to learn how to do, perhaps. But has yet to really try. At least, on a conscious level.]

now is a great time to start, then. you should be comfortable making all the choices you want.

( it's pretty sad thinking that Giovanni has no experience with making choices for himself. that's kinda horrible... and definitely something that should change. )

Perhaps.

[Never mind that it's still something that unsettles him, leaves him feeling uncertain and 0 more often than not - afraid, far too accustomed to following someone else's command to feel any sense of certainty in his own decisions. But perhaps, little by little, things will start to change.

For the moment, it seems a good time to deflect attention away from himself.]

Would you say the choices you've made for yourself have been the correct ones?

no.
often times they are downright horrible.

( see: woodhurst. see: gwen. see: most of his choices. still, Peter knows from experience what it feels like to be absolutely removed from choice, to reflect on ones he made beyond himself.

it's not someone he'd wish on anyone. )

but they were mine. nobody to blame but me, and
not all of my choices result in disaster

i chose to have fruit with my cereal this morning, for example. nobody died, so it was a good morning

[And yet, for Giovanni, there had always been a cold kind of comfort in ceding his will to that of his creators. A certain kind of freedom in slavery. Not a pleasant thing, never that, but it gave him the sense of being able to understand the world and his place in it.

The alternative is a frightening thing.

Still--]

Ha ha. Well. If we're going to count things as small as that, perhaps I've made a few of them, lately.

hey, thats something, right? start small and everything

i wont tell you that hard choices get instantaneous and easy. but once you figure out where you stand... then youll find choices make themselves. if that makes sense.

I suppose I'll have to take your word for it.

21 years of experience, soon, thats gotta count for something

good talking to you, man. if you need help with the choices thing, im around.

I'll bear that in mind.

Congratulations on your upcoming birthday.

[Is that the right way to put it? He really wouldn't know. Still doesn't understand why anyone would celebrate the day of their birth...but he knows that they do now, at least. Makes an effort.]

er, well, thanks.

( he's not big on his birthday, but Peter can still take a well wish. even if it might just be curtesy talking. )

You're quite welcome.

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