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video | username: xXx_trueblue_xXx

[ with the new mission on the horizon, and a rather desperate need to keep busy and distracted, lance has decided to put together this informational psa for all those who may benefit from it.

so. like. maybe two of you. ]

Yo! So with Woodhurst coming 'round the corner, many of you probably haven't had the chance to brush up on all six films of the Brawn of the Dead series but that's okay! Your resident Zombie Apocalypse Expert is here to help you out.

[ he's watched pretty much all the zombie films available on earth, ok, he's practically a PhD. ]

While it's pretty much impossible to gain my level of expertise in the single week we have left, I managed to break down the most important things to remember during a Zombie Apocalypse. [ complete with handy, dandy infographics! (blame whoever got them the drawing app ok.) ]

Lesson one! The buddy system.

ALASTAIR's got it right with their advice. Anyone who's ever seen a movie about characters being hunted by something can tell you right off the bat that the second you decide to go solo? YA DEAD. Total rookie mistake! Don't do it, don't even think about it, don't even think about thinking about it. Doesn't matter how slow the zombies are, or how many of them there are. Always have a buddy with you. And honestly? You're not gonna wanna go through any of this alone anyway.

If no one's coming to mind, just give me a call. My name's Lance, and I'm gonna be a college student there, and those guys never need reasons to be anyplace weird anyway.

Lesson two! Weapons.

Standard zombie movie weapons tend to be something light, hand-held, easy to hook onto your belt or carry around in a bag. Guns are okay, but unless you have unlimited ammo, it's a better idea to also have something that doesn't need replenishing. But remember we're also trying to blend in here, so busting our your swords and magic might not be what you wanna do... but also who cares when it's just you, an empty alleyway, and the not-so-dead. Tire irons are a classic, also kitchen knives, but it's important to remember: anything's a weapon if you can throw it hard enough.

And finally, lesson three — [ there isn't an infographic for this one. this time it's just lance, staring straight into the camera, the mood of the video suddenly quite serious and somber. ] — this is all real.

[ he shifts a little, uneasy. ]

I know the mission's primary objective is to contain this thing, keep it from spreading. And we should definitely do all we can to make sure it affects as few people as possible... but these are real people, you know? Real people, with real lives... real families. None of our objectives are for finding a cure, but man do we have some real smart people on this team. Real smart. And, like, magic, you know? Magic and science and all that stuff, from all over the universes. If you have that many people, from all these different backgrounds, with all these different skills then it has to be possible, right? That's just... that's math. So with magic and science and math on our sides, there's no way we can fail.

[ he got away from his point a little, so he backtracks into it. ]

What I'm saying is — be careful. Do what you gotta do, but if there's a way for you to save them so we can one day cure them, then... do that too. [ the please goes unspoken, but the sentiment is definitely there.

after a moment, he seems to bolster himself back up to the energy he'd had when he began. ]

And that's it! Questions? Thoughts? Apples for the teacher? [ ;D ]

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This is far less Dawn of the Dead and more 28 Days Later. You'll need to add something about safe distances and where and when it's appropriate to loot supermarkets.

[ because he's 100% here for the looting. ]

Not sure I know what either of those are... Do you mean 24 Days Later? Which is a lot similar to the Woodhurst situation, fair point, but it's not as popular. [ he flaps his hands in the air. ] I'll amend the PSA for the zombie-misdirection but not for the looting! That's not important!

It absolutely is important.

[ it's probably simple to tell what the look on his face is through the tone of his voice. ]

Just where, tell me—where—will we get supplies if civilization shuts down? I'm starting to think that you've never really been in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.

[ like, technically, he hasn't. he's just watched a lot of movies, okay, but he pretty much admitted to that in his intro. ]

Fine, you can be in charge of making sure we get supplies then.

[ it's still worth rubbing in. love you, Lance. ]

Me? In charge of something?

[ he says it with mock incredulity. ]

[ gently rubs it in back ]

We're counting on you, Loki. Don't let us down.

...

I'll be running off with the spoils, stage left.

Aw, c'mon! It'll be fun! I'll get some part-time job that'll let me transport stuff around or something, we'll make a team effort out of it.

[ why are you like this. ]

You really want to do some large-scale looting? I didn't know you had it in you.

[ someone has to be. ]

Hey, you said it yourself, right? It's a necessary evil. At the end of the day, I'm sure the people will be more relieved we helped save their world than a few stolen twinkies.

Those are big words. You're not going to leave me high and dry when it comes to getting down and dirty, are you?

[ says the person who stole a few million Euros from the Monte Carlo. ]

[ lance squints at — nothing. gd loki why must you always be on audio.

and why must you use that specific phrase too... ever since The Kiss, lance is now always Unsure what loki means. ]

Hey, if it's for the team, I'm not gonna back down, okay? Just... [ he gestures vaguely. ] If we don't have to get too down and too dirty, let's not, huh?

[ bECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE HIS FACE, HAHAHA.

Loki doesn't seem to be generous enough today to give him any openings. ]

We'll be dealing with zombies. Which parts aren't going to be neither down nor dirty, again?

I mean outside of that!

[ he makes a briefly frustrated sound. ]

You know what I mean, okay? Even you can't spin your way out of admitting that our team here has a tendency to be a little more extra than we need to be.

[ there's a little puff of a chuckle from Loki as he's admonished for the wordplay. ]

We are a touch dramatic. The extra makes things more interesting. We can't have it all doom and gloom in the timeline all the time, after all.

Are you sure it's not the extra that's making it all worse?

No. If we aren't passionate, than it ceases to matter.

Hey, I'm all about passion, okay. [ he's a lover, not a fighter, etc. ] But even you have to admit there's such a thing as too much.

Passion means you believe in something. I suppose you could believe in something too much, but I'll take that over the alternative.

[ one drives change, the other stagnates, and he's all about change. ]

Yeah, we seem to have a lot of those, too.

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