FUTUROLOGY NETWORK.

Damn, smartphone technology really advanced while I was driving through Arkansas.

[She's not quite laughing at her own joke, but she's very clearly thinking about it. And who can blame her? Good comedy relies on kernels of truth, and Arkansas is, in many ways, similar to the Bermuda Triangle.]

What the hell did y'all do to New Jersey? I mean I know. I read the file. But really. It looks bad out there.

Little bit of business: I'm looking for an asshole. White guy, dark hair styled in the greasy millennial tradition, always squinting in a manner of general petulance. Probably smells like bourbon. Goes by the name of Jesse. I've gone through the directory and didn't see him, but he's enough of a fool to lose his own username, so I thought I'd ask.

There's another asshole who looks like he hasn't showered in about ten years and catches fire when he goes out in the sun, and I guess I'm looking for him, too, but I'm not as dedicated to it, honestly.

And the last thing: you, general you, the Audentes masses of seventy-nine entire other people, tell me where there's gaps and I'll start there. As long as it's not science. I get real bored when I'm not busy.