video | username: xXx_trueblue_xXx

[competing]

[ with the new mission on the horizon, and a rather desperate need to keep busy and distracted, lance has decided to put together this informational psa for all those who may benefit from it.

so. like. maybe two of you. ]

Yo! So with Woodhurst coming 'round the corner, many of you probably haven't had the chance to brush up on all six films of the Brawn of the Dead series but that's okay! Your resident Zombie Apocalypse Expert is here to help you out.

[ he's watched pretty much all the zombie films available on earth, ok, he's practically a PhD. ]

While it's pretty much impossible to gain my level of expertise in the single week we have left, I managed to break down the most important things to remember during a Zombie Apocalypse. [ complete with handy, dandy infographics! (blame whoever got them the drawing app ok.) ]

Lesson one! The buddy system.


ALASTAIR's got it right with their advice. Anyone who's ever seen a movie about characters being hunted by something can tell you right off the bat that the second you decide to go solo? YA DEAD. Total rookie mistake! Don't do it, don't even think about it, don't even think about thinking about it. Doesn't matter how slow the zombies are, or how many of them there are. Always have a buddy with you. And honestly? You're not gonna wanna go through any of this alone anyway.

If no one's coming to mind, just give me a call. My name's Lance, and I'm gonna be a college student there, and those guys never need reasons to be anyplace weird anyway.

Lesson two! Weapons.


Standard zombie movie weapons tend to be something light, hand-held, easy to hook onto your belt or carry around in a bag. Guns are okay, but unless you have unlimited ammo, it's a better idea to also have something that doesn't need replenishing. But remember we're also trying to blend in here, so busting our your swords and magic might not be what you wanna do... but also who cares when it's just you, an empty alleyway, and the not-so-dead. Tire irons are a classic, also kitchen knives, but it's important to remember: anything's a weapon if you can throw it hard enough.

And finally, lesson three — [ there isn't an infographic for this one. this time it's just lance, staring straight into the camera, the mood of the video suddenly quite serious and somber. ] — this is all real.

[ he shifts a little, uneasy. ]

I know the mission's primary objective is to contain this thing, keep it from spreading. And we should definitely do all we can to make sure it affects as few people as possible... but these are real people, you know? Real people, with real lives... real families. None of our objectives are for finding a cure, but man do we have some real smart people on this team. Real smart. And, like, magic, you know? Magic and science and all that stuff, from all over the universes. If you have that many people, from all these different backgrounds, with all these different skills then it has to be possible, right? That's just... that's math. So with magic and science and math on our sides, there's no way we can fail.

[ he got away from his point a little, so he backtracks into it. ]

What I'm saying is — be careful. Do what you gotta do, but if there's a way for you to save them so we can one day cure them, then... do that too. [ the please goes unspoken, but the sentiment is definitely there.

after a moment, he seems to bolster himself back up to the energy he'd had when he began. ]

And that's it! Questions? Thoughts? Apples for the teacher? [ ;D ]

Comments

[paintjobs]

[ no... not at.. all............ ]

Mm. Just that? It always starts somewhere a little more reasonable.

[competing]

Well it also started ten thousand years ago... After so long, does it still matter? [ it's definitely not reasonable now... ]

[paintjobs]

[ with a darkly wry smile: ] Not in the slightest. Wars have a way of depreciating like that, even over just a few thousand years.

[competing]

[ he quiets for a moment. ]

What's your war about?

[paintjobs]

Originally, or most recently?

[competing]

Both.

[paintjobs]

[ the wry smile fades out again, and he pauses to consider an actual non shitty, dismissive answer. ]

Originally, on Cybertron, your form determined your function, no exceptions. That, and a few other issues, didn't sit very well with the lower castes. A group of dissenters formed and rebelled against the ruling council, sparking the war. Ally betrayed ally, matters escalated over a few million years, and before you knew it, both faction leaders wanted the death of all of the other side, the planet was essentially destroyed, and the war slowed down when we had to take it into space. And onto other planets, occasionally. [ He shrugs. ] It's... over now, I suppose, but I doubt if either side feels much like they've won.

[competing]

Oh... [ not that lance was expecting anything cheery or anything, given the very nature of war, but... yikes.

what else can you even really say to that? ]

Sorry, man.

[paintjobs]

[ he clears his throat with an awkward sort of shrug. how does he change the subject off of this. help. ]

If nothing else, it certainly took care of the functionists.

[competing]

You were part of the rebellion.

[ it's more a confirmation than a question; he'd been curious, but hadn't really known how to ask. ]

[paintjobs]

Most of both sides were, technically. It stopped being about the rebellion a long time ago.

[competing]

Is it over?

[paintjobs]

Good question. With one of the leaders dead, I suppose it will have to be.

[competing]

That's... good, then, right? I mean — that it's over.

[ why doesn't he sound very pleased about it... ]

[paintjobs]

[ he doesn't look very pleased, either. after a pause for looking distinctly dissatisfied: ] Yes. That's a good thing.

[competing]

[ ... welp! now lance is feeling the awkwardness. ]

Sssssooooo... got any plans for your cover story?

[paintjobs]

[ oh thank god, this he can do. the unkind smile is already blossoming beautifully, there it is ]

I do, yes. I plan not to get to know anyone who might ask about me.

[competing]

[ heavy squinting ]

I mean that's... one way to do it.

[ BOOOOORING ]

[paintjobs]

It is. It's the most foolproof way, too.

[ a beat, and then, because he really has to... ]

And you?

[competing]

[ it takes lance considerably less time to answer than it ever did for knock out to get around to asking. ]

Weeeell I don't really have the specifics all worked out yet [ mostly because a lot of it would require... coordination... with other people... ] but I'm thinking I'll be a university student, maybe major something lowkey and boring like I dunno history but still kinda credible enough to get me places, yanno? Then I figure I'd get a part-time job, something in delivery cuz that gives me all sorts of excuses to be in random places and keep track of the rest of the team. [ this is the part that's a little less solid, but ] I'm thinking a large family unit, too, you know, I mean like huge. The more, the merrier! And, well, since no one really looks like me here obviously we'd go with the adopted route or something, but hey that's even better cuz then it won't matter what anyone looks like and we could have way more and be able to watch each others' backs much easier!

[ he beams. ]

What d'you think?

[paintjobs]

[ dear god what floodgates as he opened. he reluctantly listens to it all though, what a good audience... ]

There are plenty of people that look like you. [ a pause. ] Aren't there?

[competing]

[ the corner of lance's smile twitches a little. ]

Nah, man... not really.

But like I said — that's okay, because then it just makes forming that family even easier.

[paintjobs]

[ come on lance every single human here has 2 (or so) eyes, a nose, and a mouth, don't be so dramatic ]

If adopting is really that common a practice, I'm sure no one will question the enormous family unit that shows up in town.

[competing]

[ your face is literally dramatic, shut up >:'c ]

Eh, common enough? Which reminds me, you should probably think about expanding your story a little more... Buddy system, remember?

[paintjobs]

Au contraire. As soon as I figure out how to switch back to my usual body, I won't have to worry about any sort of contagion going around at all.