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[competing]

[ with the new mission on the horizon, and a rather desperate need to keep busy and distracted, lance has decided to put together this informational psa for all those who may benefit from it.

so. like. maybe two of you. ]

Yo! So with Woodhurst coming 'round the corner, many of you probably haven't had the chance to brush up on all six films of the Brawn of the Dead series but that's okay! Your resident Zombie Apocalypse Expert is here to help you out.

[ he's watched pretty much all the zombie films available on earth, ok, he's practically a PhD. ]

While it's pretty much impossible to gain my level of expertise in the single week we have left, I managed to break down the most important things to remember during a Zombie Apocalypse. [ complete with handy, dandy infographics! (blame whoever got them the drawing app ok.) ]

Lesson one! The buddy system.


ALASTAIR's got it right with their advice. Anyone who's ever seen a movie about characters being hunted by something can tell you right off the bat that the second you decide to go solo? YA DEAD. Total rookie mistake! Don't do it, don't even think about it, don't even think about thinking about it. Doesn't matter how slow the zombies are, or how many of them there are. Always have a buddy with you. And honestly? You're not gonna wanna go through any of this alone anyway.

If no one's coming to mind, just give me a call. My name's Lance, and I'm gonna be a college student there, and those guys never need reasons to be anyplace weird anyway.

Lesson two! Weapons.


Standard zombie movie weapons tend to be something light, hand-held, easy to hook onto your belt or carry around in a bag. Guns are okay, but unless you have unlimited ammo, it's a better idea to also have something that doesn't need replenishing. But remember we're also trying to blend in here, so busting our your swords and magic might not be what you wanna do... but also who cares when it's just you, an empty alleyway, and the not-so-dead. Tire irons are a classic, also kitchen knives, but it's important to remember: anything's a weapon if you can throw it hard enough.

And finally, lesson three — [ there isn't an infographic for this one. this time it's just lance, staring straight into the camera, the mood of the video suddenly quite serious and somber. ] — this is all real.

[ he shifts a little, uneasy. ]

I know the mission's primary objective is to contain this thing, keep it from spreading. And we should definitely do all we can to make sure it affects as few people as possible... but these are real people, you know? Real people, with real lives... real families. None of our objectives are for finding a cure, but man do we have some real smart people on this team. Real smart. And, like, magic, you know? Magic and science and all that stuff, from all over the universes. If you have that many people, from all these different backgrounds, with all these different skills then it has to be possible, right? That's just... that's math. So with magic and science and math on our sides, there's no way we can fail.

[ he got away from his point a little, so he backtracks into it. ]

What I'm saying is — be careful. Do what you gotta do, but if there's a way for you to save them so we can one day cure them, then... do that too. [ the please goes unspoken, but the sentiment is definitely there.

after a moment, he seems to bolster himself back up to the energy he'd had when he began. ]

And that's it! Questions? Thoughts? Apples for the teacher? [ ;D ]

Comments

[paintjobs]

Can you really count your experience, then? Some of us have faced actual zombies.

[competing]

Hey, no one else was stepping up to say anything, so what was I supposed to do?

[paintjobs]

Only the best you could manage, I suppose. [ sigh! ]

Here's a few more tips: the movies are a load of bunk, and headshots don't always do the trick.

[competing]

But what if we don't want to do "the trick." What else can we do?

[paintjobs]

Oh, well, I can't help you there. The only cure we found was taking them offline. You'll probably find it's not such a bad solution when it's bearing down on you and you have no other options.

[competing]

Offline?

—and, I mean, you have a point. I guess I'd just rather emphasize doing what you can if you can. But if you can't... then what do you suggest?

[paintjobs]

Killing them, I suppose you'd say.

A shot through the spark did the job for us. [ a beat. ] Through the heart.

[competing]

[ y i k e s ]

Well that's... definitely one way to do it.

[paintjobs]

Inelegant, but effective. And when it's a matter of a spreading contagion, that's the most important part.

[competing]

...I guess it would be a quick way to end any suffering, too...

[paintjobs]

That would be a good thought to keep in mind, yes. [ whatever it takes to make murder easier! ]

[competing]

[ he hesitates a little, not sure if he really wants the answer to this question or not... ]

Do you, uh. Do you take things offline a lot...?

[paintjobs]

[ he snorts ]

Well, I have been party to an excessively long civil war.

[ so: yes definitely ]

[competing]

Oh.

[ that sounds all kinds of sucky. ]

Sorry, man.

[paintjobs]

[ ?? sympathy is not a reaction he knows how to deal with
ever, really, but especially not regarding this

He blinks for a moment, suddenly regretting the video, then quickly waves it off. ]

Unless that was you on the council enforcing the regulations, I doubt if you have anything to apologize for.

[competing]

Well, no, but... it still sucks, right? War's always gonna suck.

[ even for a self-proclaimed hero of one. ]

[paintjobs]

[ aren't you too young and stupid and human to know something like that?? this conversation is sort of bewildering ]

It takes some a long time to come to a conclusion like that. The glories of battle, and all.

[competing]

[ hey he can be all three and still know a thing or two about it!

and, okay, sure, once upon a time... once upon a time he thought he knew what it meant to be a hero. he thought he knew what it was like to win, and win all the time because the good guys always won, right? that's just how it is.

but then perdition's rest happened, and suddenly winning didn't really feel like winning anymore. he may not know how bad war can be, not entirely... but he's starting to get the feeling he will. ]

Look, I'm not saying I know how it all feels or anything... It feels like the one I'm fighting back home has just started, honestly. [ even though, technically, they were walking into it ten thousand years in. ]

[paintjobs]

[ shit, now he's Reluctantly Interested. this is new and awful. ]

It's going to be a lot longer, you having realized what a bad idea it is. [ a beat. ] What is your war over?

[competing]

[ lance hesitates. once upon a time he had proudly divulged the information to anyone and everyone who would listen to it (and some even to those who wouldn't), calling he and his fellow paladins heroes. defenders of the universe.

lately he's started to question what that actually means. ]

Oh, you know.. the usual... evil alien emperor wants to rule the universe. Universe disagrees.

[ sound familiar, knock out? ]

[paintjobs]

[ no... not at.. all............ ]

Mm. Just that? It always starts somewhere a little more reasonable.

[competing]

Well it also started ten thousand years ago... After so long, does it still matter? [ it's definitely not reasonable now... ]

[paintjobs]

[ with a darkly wry smile: ] Not in the slightest. Wars have a way of depreciating like that, even over just a few thousand years.

[competing]

[ he quiets for a moment. ]

What's your war about?

[paintjobs]

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